how does a person with anxiety and depression handle a relationship? or a situationship? even a crush?

how does a person with depression handle heartbreak?

is this heartbreak anyways?

it definitely feels like it. the whole image just came crashing down. crumbled. like an earthquake. hidden till the last moment and then destroying everything you've built.

i feel like... like the five stages of grief. but all at once. or one by one. or one at a time, and a different a second later.  anger about the lying. grief about the created image and hopes I've had for us. denial, maybe this is just a bad dream. bargaining... that is the thing I don't feel. I can't change anything about that fact I learned. and I'm definitely not near to acceptance. what the actual hell is that.

it's crazy how a simple text can destroy an image you've built in your head about him.

when you speak to someone for over a year, practically every day, you can't be not attached to him. how could you not?

it's easy to say that "oh, you are better off without him! oh, you deserve better! oh, you'll find better". sure. sure.

I'm grateful I haven't given him any of my real firsts. My physical firsts, at least. But he made me feel like no one else before. Made my heart beat differently. And he fooled me. Fooled me and apparently, others too.

he said I'm beautiful. he said I'm cute. I'm hot. I'm sexy. Gave me all the male validation I had never gotten before. Gave me all the right attention. Listen to my ramblings. Made me think I was accepted.

He's a great liar.

And I asked for it. I went for it. I had the chance to drop him, but I didn't because I became overly obsessive and thought that maybe this could lead to something. I'm such a fool because of all the TikTok predictions, claimings, zodiac sign compatibility and manifestations, I actually believed this could be it. This could be the one I was waiting for for the last 22 years. A hot as hell, foreign guy, who has a job, kind, sexy and... A liar.

this is just like another blow into my trust issues. how can I believe that I won't be fucked over the next time I meet someone? and damn, it's hard to meet with anyone.

see, I don't have a big friend group with guys from whom I can choose. I don't meet guys randomly every day. Dating apps are awful. And it's not easier to get together with girls either. feels like there is literally no person who will ever love me romantically. right now, I feel like this is some punishment, but I have no idea what I've done to deserve this much pain.

maybe it's just bad luck. a lesson I had to learn.

but I already knew about this lesson. Cheaters will always be cheaters. Don't cheat in the first place, that is supposed to be a given. Don't ever forgive a cheater.

And... Don't ever be the one he cheats with.

I already knew about these. What else is there?

I'm already on the ground, but this was like another kick in the gut. Stay on the ground.
Just stay down, don't crawl up again, you belong down. Good moments are temporary, sadness is where the home is.

I know this hole will take a while to disappear. But I was just done stitching up the previous hole. It's like I'm stitching up holes in myself my entire life. All while the actual life is running out next to me, losing me, leaving me behind, don't care if I live or die.

When will I ever know happiness? Love? The not painful one.

I'm so tired. I can't even hold myself. I can't bear the thought that I have to go to work tomorrow and go on with my sad-ass life like I was not just teared up yesterday. I cannot even look at my phone, even if I deleted any and every reminder that he was even a part of my life.

One day he's there. And the next, he's gone and you want him gone and it's so easy to delete all the physical reminders. But not the mental ones. Not the sentences he said, not the feelings he made me feel.

One minute you are just so happy because you'll finally see harry styles live in a few hours, you are having the time of your life with your best friend.

and then came a simple text message. like...

"this is lydia, shane's wife."

and done. system failure.

July 2022