Chapter 13 - "Long distance never works."

As I was walking home with Matt, having a heated but good-natured debate about something football-related, my phone dinged with a text message from Kat.

- Just saw Tommy chatting up Kara Ryder. Felt incredibly jealous. Please tell me that it's just cos she's a bitch? 

I let out a surprised laugh at the content of her message.  

"What is it?" Matt asked, his arm darting out to stop me stepping into the road.

A car zoomed past and I lifted my eyes from the screen, concentrating on crossing without causing an accident.

"Kat," I replied. "I'm just going to give her a quick call."

Once we were safely across the road, I dialled her. It had barely rung before she picked up.  

"Are you with Matt?" she asked hurriedly. "Because I don't want to interrupt any sexy time." 

"We're just walking home." 

"Okay, good. What's wrong with me, Izzy?" 

"Nothing. You're just over-thinking everything. You thought Tommy liked you. And then you see him flirting with Kara. It's bound to be a kick in the teeth whether you like him back or not." 

"It's a kick in the teeth alright," she said. "I mean, why her?"

 I scrambled to find a response that was suitably balanced between honesty and sensitivity.

"You're hooking up with other people," I said. "And you said earlier that you only wanted casual. Maybe he's just doing the same."

"Yeah, yeah, I don't care about that so much. But I hate Kara. Everyone hates Kara. Why would he go for Kara?" 

"Well, how do you know they were even flirting? Maybe your mind is making things up and playing tricks on you." 

"She was all over him," Kat stated before letting out a dramatic sigh.  

"She's all over everyone. Have you considered he might have planned it?" 

"Planned what? Planned to get in her pants?" 

"No...planned for you to see him with Kara, to work out where your head's at." 

Kat was silent for a few seconds. "Do you think that's what he's doing?" 

"I don't know. Maybe." 

"Hmm..." she said in thought.  

Matt and I rounded the corner of his street, and he began to fish through his bag for his house keys.

"Does it put your mind at ease?" 

"Well, how do we even know he's doing that?" Kat replied.  

"We don't. But you're probably not going to know either way unless you talk to him." 

"Yeah. You're probably right. Thank you, Izzy. And if you ever want advice on anything then you know where I am!" 

"Thanks, Kat." 

"I mean it. No matter how sexual, I'm not a prude." 

I rolled my eyes. "I'll bear that in mind. I have to go now. We're almost at Matt's." 

"I love you!" 

"Love you too," I said. 

After hitting the End Call button, I put the phone on silent, shoving it into the depths of my bag.  

"Slightly dangerous..." Matt said slowly.  

"Which part?" 

"The part about making her jealous." 

"I think it's a communication issue rather than a jealousy one." 

"Whatever it is, I'm looking forward to the next instalment in the drama that's Kat's love-life." 

I rolled my eyes. "It would make me feel better if the two of you got along, you know." 

"I'm sorry, Iz, but the girl hates me. How am I supposed to like someone who hates me?" 

"I just want the two of you to be civil, and I mean properly civil. Not this whole sarcastic fake thing that you've got going on at the moment." 

He sighed and slid his key into the lock, turning it and pushing open the door. Gesturing for me to go first, he put the key into his back pocket and then let the door swing shut after us.  

"I'll try, okay? But you need to give her this lecture, too." 

"Matt, I give her this lecture every day. But she'll soon get bored if you start to behave." 

"My parents should be back in an hour," Matt said as we headed upstairs. Apparently our conversation about Kat was over. He stuck his head around Emily's door. "All right, Em?" 

"Yeah. Is Izzy here?" 

I smiled upon hearing her asking after me, and slid in behind Matt to say hello. "Hey! How's it going?" 

She grinned upon seeing me. "Good! And you?" 

"Good thanks. How was school?" 

"Oh, the usual. But I got nine out of ten in a Spanish test!" 

I beamed, feeling oddly proud for some reason. "That's amazing, Em! Well done." 

"Em, we're going upstairs for an hour before the parents get home," Matt told her. "Shout if you need anything, okay?" 

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not gonna interrupt. Don't worry." 

Matt picked out a film that he'd had for his birthday, while I got comfy on the bed. "Don't fall asleep," he warned, settling down beside me.  

I twisted on my side to face him. "Why? Got a lot planned?" 

Usually it took at least an hour for us to get into a comfortable rhythm of flirting and making out, but we'd started early this morning. The incident in my bed had ensured we'd been thinking about it all day. Matt had been unusually affectionate throughout the day, too, which added to the anticipation. It had been building up to this. Tops were removed within ten minutes, probably an all-time record.  

"How long before your parents get back?" I asked him breathlessly as he kissed my neck.  

"Mmm...forty minutes? Thirty?" 

"Do you want to?" 

He stopped kissing me for a second. "I do... Just not with Emily in the house. It's weird." 

"She was in the house last time," I reminded him.  

"She was asleep last time. What if she hears? She's only twelve." 

I didn't push the matter. I hated being rejected but had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't me...it was Matt's inability to take risks.  

"Well then," I smiled, sitting up and pulling him off the bed. "How about that other birthday present that I owe you?" I ran my fingers around the waistband of his boxers so that he had no chance of misunderstanding what I meant.  

He sighed, smiling slightly. "It's not fair when you offer me things that I can't turn down..."

*

Reality hit me like a punch to the gut after dinner. 

Everything started off fine and conversation was flowing, and then it all began to slowly deteriorate.   

"So have you decided where you're applying to university, Isobel?" his mum asked me.  

"Almost. It depends where they offer me a place, really." 

"I'm sure everywhere will offer you a place," Matt said with confidence.  

"Are they local universities?" his dad asked.  

"To a certain extent, but I wanted to move away from home," I answered. "Most are in the south actually. My first choice is in London." 

"In London?" Emily gasped. "Wow! That would be so cool!" 

I smiled at her enthusiasm. "Well, I'd be living just outside the city most of the time. Costs are so high." 

"Matt is applying to mainly northern ones, aren't you, Matt?" his mum asked.  

"Yeah," he said. "So, how was work, Mum?" 

It was a sudden change of subject that I didn't miss in the slightest. Matt didn't like talking about university. Whenever I ever brought up, he'd answer my questions but then try to change the topic of conversation as quickly as possible. I knew why; I just didn't like to think about why.  

As we had cake for dessert, I momentarily forgot about it, but when we returned back upstairs a couple of hours later to resume watching the film—most of which we'd missed through other activities—I began thinking about it again. I knew Matt wouldn't outright talk about it and I knew that I didn't want to think about it, either. But I had to bring it up. I had to know for sure. So I used a different tactic.  

"It's Jess and Alex's thirteenth month anniversary next week," I told him.  

"Thirteenth month? Who celebrates that?" 

Typical romantic. This was more the Matt I was used to. "Well, she was away for their one year. So they're celebrating it a month later instead; that way they can still celebrate it on their actual date." 

"What are they doing?" 

"Dinner. Same place as their first date."  

Matt didn't bring up our own one-year anniversary. I don't think it was big deal for him; he wasn't much of a milestone person.  

"They seem like one of those couples who'll last forever," he said instead.  

"Yeah. They've already planned out long distance," I replied, building up to the answer I needed to know.  

"Long distance?" 

"Yeah. For university." 

"Aren't they applying to the same ones?" 

"No. They want to do different courses and don't want to compromise for the other person. They'd end up regretting it if things didn't work out." 

"It's less likely to work out long distance though," Matt said. "Long distance never works." 

And there it was. He said it with such conviction. Even though I'd suspected it, it still didn't stop the jolt in my stomach upon hearing him admit it out loud. A feeling of sickness began to surface at the thought of us breaking up.

"Never?" I pressed.  

"No. Not in my opinion, anyway." 

I paused. "So not for us, then?" 

I'd done it. I'd brought it up. I wasn't sure where I'd got the nerve from, but I'd done it. Matt was quiet for a long time. 

"I didn't really wanna talk about it, Iz. It's a year away yet." 

"Well, I don't want to go a year with the thought that you're just gonna end things, Matt," I said quietly.  

He sighed and put his arm around me. "I don't want it to affect what we have now." 

"Well it's going to. How can I continue with this knowing that we're going to break up? Don't you want to at least try? Don't you care enough?" 

"It's not to do with caring. You know how much I care. But we'll never see each other. It's going to end up hurting more when things don't work out." 

How much was breaking up going to hurt next year? Another year of feelings strengthening, another year of memories together...it was too much to bear. Every time I'd imagined myself at university, I'd seen myself showing Matt around, being able to have sex whenever we wanted, train trips to visit each other, exploring new places together... If we broke up, all of that would change. University would be completely different to anything I'd previously imagined.  

"I mean, it's not like you're going to have trouble finding another boyfriend," he said, as if that made it better.  

"Well I don't want someone else, Matt," I muttered. "I want you. I don't wanna give up on this." 

"And I don't want to argue about it when it's a year away."  

I didn't say anything for a while. I didn't want to argue about it, either, but felt it was an important issue that needed discussing.  

"How can you carry on seeing me when you know we've got a time limit?" 

"Because I want to make the time count. What's the point in breaking up now when we can have another year together?" 

"Because in that year, Matt, my feelings are only gonna get stronger. And then when you decide to break up with me, it's gonna hurt ten times more."  

"So what are you suggesting?" he challenged.  

I didn't know what I was suggesting so I said nothing. He didn't remove his arm from around my shoulder but we didn't say another word to each other that night. And anything physical was certainly out of the question. For sure. For the first time, I actually considered how it would feel to break up with him. Kat talked about it enough, but I always dismissed it. But this was it. At some point in the future, within the next year, Matt and I would break up. It was no longer an irritating topic of conversation; it was a reality. 

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