Nate and I have been sitting together in Theater 100 for the last few classes and it's nice to have someone in the class I trust. There are 200 students in the class, but I definitely felt lonely before I was sitting with Nate. He makes me feel like I'm not alone. We decide to go talk to Dr. Daniels after class about a play he mentioned that we both really like, "The Glass Menagerie." I was the lead in the show in high school before I became homeschooled. Theater used to be such a big part of my life. But, everything changed my sophomore year and there are no school plays when you're homeschooled. 

Nate and I go to the podium where Dr. D speaks and we start talking to him about the show and about the main character Laura and her illness. It's interesting talking about it because although our diseases are different, we both had a negatively affected high school experience. She had two physical disabilities. One of her legs was shorter than the other leading her to limp and she suffered from a lung issue known as pleurosis. I didn't have any physical disabilities, but my mental health condition was debilitating and painful to live with. 

I must have been zoned out when Nate was talking about Laura's problems because he and Dr. D ask "Are you okay?" I realize I have tears in my eyes. "Yes, I am. This show just makes me emotional. Not only does the main character live with such difficult health conditions, but she also has a dysfunctional family. Laura deserved so much better." Dr. Daniels says, "Wow. You are right. Your emotional connection to her is amazing." I respond, "I played her when I was in high school. It was an amazing experience." Dr. D says, "So you're an actor! No wonder you could show so much emotion in your eyes by simply listening to a story. Have you thought about auditioning for a Geneseo production?" I shake my head and he says, "Well if you change your mind, there are auditions for the show 'The Polaroid' next week. I think you could both do a great job."

Nate says, "Thank you, Dr. D. We'll think about." We leave and Nate says to me, "Hey, this show could be so much fun. Imagine us on stage together. Wouldn't that be awesome?" I look at him with a confused face and say, "Since when do you want to act, Nate? And why would you want to act with me in front of hundreds of people?" He says, "I enjoy entertaining people. And hey, didn't you tell me your favorite Disney movie is High School Musical? This could be our Troy and Gabriella moment! This could be the start of something new... blah blah blah blah blah ohhh!" I laugh so hard I snort. "Oh my God. You just did that. But, Nate, this isn't a musical. And maybe you could be Zac Efron, but how on earth am I supposed to be Vanessa Hudgens?"

It's funny comparing him to Zac Efron out loud. I mean that's how I described him the first time I saw him. He smiles at me and says, "You're right. You're not Vanessa Hudgens. You're Genny. Genny Torres. You are more beautiful and more kind than she could ever be. You're you. And you're perfect." Wow. That was so nice to hear. I grab him and hug him really tight. He says, "Squeezing a little tight there, Genny." "Oops, sorry. What you said just means a lot to me. Thank you," I say and give him a quick peck on the cheek. I say, "I changed my mind." He says, "About what?" "About the audition. I think we should go." He smiles at me and is about to say something when I see Harper only a few feet away and she's walking towards us. She's with a bunch of people, including Josh. I see him and Nate's words disappear from my mind. 

I don't feel perfect. I feel like a nobody. Josh's words from the other day are just playing over and over in my head until Harper interrupts my thoughts with the words, "Audition, huh? Is Miss damaged goods an actress? Aw, you know what you'd be great playing the role of the ugly, fat, friend with no personality." God, it's like she knows the exact words that she used to say to me growing up. It's like she's the younger version of her. I look down at my shoes and say nothing. But, then a male voice says, "Will you quit it?" I look up thinking Nate's standing up for me, but it's Josh. What the hell? He's defending me? "Why are you defending her, Josh?" Harper asks in a very angry tone. She continues to say  "She's a..." "Nobody," I say and finish her sentence. I look at  Josh, shake my head, and quickly walk away from everyone. Nate runs up to me and says, "Hey. Are you okay?" I am about to start crying, but I tell him with a smile on my face, "Yeah. I'm fine. I've got to go, Nate. I'll talk to you later!" I say before he can stop me and I jog back to the dorm.

I unlock my door and sit on the floor and cry and I begin to shake and feel like I'm not breathing. Oh, God. I'm having a  panic attack. I haven't had one of these in so long. I forgot how terrible they feel. I forgot how much they make me feel like I have no control over my mind or body. I forgot what it was like to truly be in pain... until now. All the words people have said about me keep playing over and over in my head. 

Disgusting. Fat. Useless. Waste of space. Garbage. Ugly. A nobody.

The words all playing over and over and I'm shaking so much. I try to grab my phone to call my therapist, but I can't move my body the way I want to.  The pain has paralyzed me. I just give up and cry on the ground, hugging my favorite stuffed animal. I'm crying, but I'm trying not to be too loud so Molly and Abigail can't hear me if they're home. Panic attacks have always made me have trouble breathing, but trying to be quiet while having one makes it even worse.

I'm trying to practice my breathing like my therapist taught me. I'm trying to think of something that calms me down. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I'm trying so much, but it's not working. I feel broken and alone and I hate this feeling so much. No one should ever feel this way. Ever. 

I finally begin to feel like I'm breathing again when I hear a knock on my door.