https://youtu.be/XSPRlmPgKtU

Elias

There's always that moment, right before you snap, when you can choose whether or not you let yourself lose control.

Whether you're going to be a man, swallow your pride, and act like the person you're supposed to be, or just give into the person you already are.

Right now, I'm split, stuck somewhere in between being the bigger man or letting all hell break loose.

I tell myself to breathe. To let the bitterness burning through my lungs out into the open before it destroys me. But my mouth doesn't move. My jaw's locked up with the kind of anger that leaves your muscles raw, rigid, and capable of doing unpredictable, terrible things.

My fists follow the pattern. They ball up like a boxer's--just itching to let out the tension building up in my arms and shoulders in the only way I know how.

I wanna calm down.

I wanna back off from the rage kicking up a hurricane in my chest, but I can't. Not after seeing one of the only guys I trusted throw it right back in my face. Not after finding out my mom's been seeing him behind my back. Not after spending the last three years praying to God that my mom would stay single just to keep her from getting her heart broken all over again.

I can't watch him try to love her and leave her. I can't watch him make promises to her and my family that he ultimately won't keep. 'Cause the only thing I learned from the last man who tried to be the head of this household is that nobody can promise anybody anything.

It's easy to cheat, to lie, to let your feelings die. To say you'll give someone the world and then pull it out from under their feet the second they trust you.

The second they give their life to you.

The second their children decide to depend on you only to find out that you're off screwing someone else.

I love Dan.

Loved Dan.

But this is too far.

He is not my father.

He's not a replacement for my father.

He's not my family.

And he's not supposed to be in this house.

Not like this.

Not ever again.

Before I even think to stop myself, I'm flying across the room--bolting towards Dan with pure adrenaline pulsing through my veins.

My mom's screaming at me, begging me to slow down, to think, to stop, but it's too late. I breeze past her even though she's digging her hands into my shirt to keep me from doing the inevitable.

Dan's backing away from me with both hands raised like he's being held at gun point. He might as well be, because the second he decided to put his hands anywhere near my mom, he became a stranger in this house. Just a trespasser playing therapist.

It takes me less than ten seconds to finally reach him, less than five to crush his collar in my fist. I shove him up against the cabinets so hard it knocks the wind out of him for a couple seconds. I've got muscle, height, and speed on him but he's still fighting me. Gripping my wrists with everything he has, calmly asking me to stop over and over again.

I hate that he's asking when he should be begging.

When he should be saying I'm sorry.

When he shouldn't have done this in the first place.

I cock my arm back and aim right for the bridge of his nose, but then I stop.

I stop because she stops me.

Jersey catches my fist mid-air and holds me still. Like she always does.

And as soon as she touches me, I fall apart.

"Jersey, let go. Please. You gotta let me go."

She steps in between me and Dan but I keep my eyes focused on him.

"No. Look at me, Elias. Not him. Only me."

Her hands are shaking. Her whole body's shaking to the point where I can't keep my attention on Dan anymore. I look down at her and all of my frustration dissolves into disgust. At this evening. At this entire situation. At myself.

And everything I put myself into. Everything I trust. Everything good just turns to dust.

"Tell me what to do then, J. If you were me right now, what would you do?"

My voice comes out jagged and broken while the tears in my eyes blur her face out of focus.

She puts her hand in the middle of my chest and waits until my breathing slows down before she answers me.

"Not this."

"But he lied to me, Jersey. Both of them did."

"And you're lying to yourself if you think that starting a fist fight will fix the way you feel right now. Talk to them. Please."

I take a second to let everything she's saying sink in. My heart knows she's right even though there's enough disappointment and frustration flowing through it to drown the rest of my body. I suck in a breath and try to figure out where to begin--what to say about a situation that shouldn't even exist.

"Then I want to talk to him alone. Outside. Now."

Jersey doesn't have to answer 'cause Dan's already halfway out of the house by the time I finish talking. Before I even make a move to go after him, I stop to take a long hard look at my mom.

She's crying.

Tears are running down her face, ruining her make-up, ruining me. Ever since I was a kid, I've always been the first person there to comfort her, to try to make her smile through her sadness, and tell her that everything's gonna be okay. But right now, I can't. I can't even take a step in her direction because there's a million secrets standing in the way. So I leave without saying anything--the same way I did back when she dropped me off at rehab.

I slam the door on my way out.

And I know it hurts her.

But I'm too torn up right now to say I'm sorry.

Even though I know she needs to hear it.

For the first time, I can't bring myself to say it.

Not to her.

Not to anyone.

Even though I owe it to everyone.

***

I follow Dan outside and into the porch without any idea of what I'm gonna do once we're alone. The last time I was standing here, Tanner laid me out without thinking twice about it. I still remember the pain, the way my whole mouth melted into a mess of blood, spit, and shame.

No matter how far away you run from the past, your body still remembers your old scars like they're brand new.

As pissed as I am at Dan, standing here, watching all the color drain from his face as he stares at me, I can't bring myself to hit him. My blood's burning to the point where it feels like there's nothing that'll put out the fire except knocking his jaw backwards. But that's backwards thinking, because the only thing knocking him out will do is destroy a night that's already in pieces.

"I don't even know what to say to you, Dan. I don't even know how to have this conversation because it shouldn't even be happening at all."

Speaking feels like lighting a fuse. Like setting off a spark that'll slow burn its way into an explosion. But I'm doing my best to hold back.

Cause if there's one thing Dan taught me that I still can't deny--it's that everybody deserves a chance to tell their story. God knows, he gave me mine. I gotta give him his. Even though I don't wanna hear it.

Dan pulls out his handkerchief from his suit pocket and dabs away the sweat pouring down his face. It's barely even 60 degrees outside and he's sweating like it's a summer day.

"Eli, I--"

"Don't call me that. You don't get to call me that anymore," I say.

He swallows the sting of my statement but pushes himself to keep talking regardless.

"Okay. I understand. But I want you to know that neither your mother and I wanted you to find out this way and I'm sorry."

I let out a ghost of a laugh.

"No, you're not. You had your tongue down her throat a second ago, Dan. You're not sorry at all."

He leans back against the metal stair railing and takes a couple seconds to let the embarrassment fall off his face before he answers me.

"I'm apologizing for not better controlling myself, Elias. Not for how I feel about your mother."

How he feels? He isn't supposed to feel anything about her at all. He wasn't supposed to look at her, or talk to her, or touch her, or go anywhere near her. She's my mom. My mom. Not his girlfriend. Not his piece. Nothing.

"And how do you feel about her, Dan? 'Cause if you think you can therapy your way into her pants, you've got another thing coming."

For the first time since I've known him, Dan looks genuinely pissed at me. I don't know if it's because he hates the fact that I'm right about him or because I'm--wrong.

But that's the thing. I know I'm not wrong because every guy my mom's dated since my dad only stuck around long enough to leave her in pieces after they left. My mom's got a big heart with a lot of love in it for somebody--but she keeps giving it away to nobody's. Losers.

Guys who wined and dined her until they figured out that she wanted something serious--and then they split. They all do.

It's the same story every single time. Nobody wants to deal with her kids, her problems, her brokenness. They're there for the guy perks. They line up hoping to get laid for as long as they can without having to take responsibility for everything that she is.

I didn't used to be any different from those guys--but after seeing what I did to Jersey, I forced myself to be different.

But my mom's dates didn't change for her--they changed her.

Maybe she thought I didn't notice--the way she'd go from happy to hopeless within the span of a couple weeks--sometimes months. She never really talked to me about who she was dating--probably 'cause she knew I'd choke out anybody who treated her the wrong way. But every time she'd call, I'd know.

I'd ask how she was doing, and she'd fake smile into the phone and say she was "feeling a little down but cooking her heart out to pick herself back up." And I hated it. I hated it as much as I hate this situation right now 'cause it's happening all over again. But at least this time, I'm here to stop it.

"Look, I understand that you're upset--and you have every right to be. But what I'm not okay with, is you putting words and intentions in my mouth when it comes to your mom. That isn't your place, Elias."

I step toward him with every single intention of laying him out if he pushes me any further.

"And this--"

I point back towards the house.

"--isn't yours."

***

(Thank you guys so much for reading & listening! Tension is in the air! Check back on Wednesday AUGUST 22ND for the next update to find out what happens between Elias and Dan!)

#REALTALK QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

Have any of you guys ever had a friend/family member start dating someone you didn't approve of?

If so, what happened? Did they grow on you over time or did things stay awkward/tense?