//DEBBY\\

I stare at myself in the mirror. My heart has shattered to a point where I can't pick up the pieces. My head is screaming at me, but its all gibberish, now. Everything is one big Blur in my eyes. Everything is dead and gone. Everything is completely destroyed. My heart, my mind... My love. Everything is gone and I can't seem to find it anymore.

"You look beautiful, Debby." Jenna's voice snaps me out if my trance, and I realize I am standing in the bathroom, a skin tight black dress hugging my figure down to my knees. My hair is done in a large bun with a few strands left curled out. I have a shade of dark crimson on my lips, and all my eye makeup is waterproof. "Truly stunning, sweetie."

"Thank you." I look forwardup at her. Her hair is braided to the side. QQ black dress with lace sleeves squeezes her frame. Her makeup is perfection. It is so subtle, yet do perfect. The softest shade of red coats her lips and her eyes are like portals into another dimension. "If only he could see."

"Yeah..." Jenna trails off and I feel a pang in my stomach. It hurts to think about, but if I don't, I won't be human. Its genetically wired into our brains that when we lose someone, we grieve. And it hurts. Grief isn't just an emotion. Its a weapon that we use against ourselves, and I've never felt it so strong in my entire life... Because I was there to see it. I watched as that car slammed into us. I felt the glass pierce my skin. I felt the pain of dying, without actually dying... But Josh just did. He left me alone to fend for myself in this cruel, terrifying world. I absolutely hate it. "I don't know if I can do it, Jenna. I'm not good at goodbyes." I choke.

She takes my hand, wiping the tears from my eyes. "C'mon, Deb. You'll be okay. Tyler's gotta give you something before we go." Her voice and fingers are shaky. She glances down at the black stilettos she has on, versus my dark gray flats with little bows on the toes. "Let's get going. If anything, he wouldn't want you to be late." The sentence makes me nod, but Jenna practically has to drag me out of the bathroom and downstairs. I don't want this.

I don't want to do this. I don't want anything to do with this. Let me go back.

"Debby, its okay." Jenna whispers. "You can do it." She grips my arm in her bony hand, pulling her hair out of her face. "C'mon." She pries, trying to get me to move."

"I... I... I can't, Jenna." I break down. I break down with the realization that he's actually gone, and never coming back. I break down with the realization that Josh freaking Dun, DJ Spooky Jim, Jish the fish, Jishwa, Joshua William Dun is dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

Dead (adj) no longer living; deprived of life.

Dead. Alone, its a word with a terrifying meaning. No one can imagine what it's like until it's what they are. No one fix it. Its the one thing that we can't avoid. Dead. Death. D-E-A-D. Dead. And once it strikes close, it hurts you. It begins taking part of you in its grasp, and half way through, you want it to swallow you whole. 1.5 million people attempt suicide every year because of grief, and I don't want to be one of those people. I can't be one of those people, so I gather my composure, nd head downstairs.

"Debby," Tyler begins, a nervous look on his extremely flushed face. "Debby, the day you guys were coming over... The day Josh... You know," he choked. "Well, I think Josh would have wanted it like this, so in just gonna say it." Tyler pauses, holding his breath to keep from crumbling into a pile of flesh, bone, and tears. "H-he had this note... And uhm, yeah, read it before I give you this." Tyler hands me a piece if paper, folded neatly in his pocket, and I take it, confused... Until I read the note.

Deb,
Uhm, cheesy of me to plan this out, its just that I want it to be perfect. You, me, Ty and Jen just hanging around. You wouldn't expect a thing. It's just too good to be true.
This last year and a half with you has made me realize how much I really love you. To think, cucumbers brought us together. Nonetheless, its made me realize how much I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So, I ask you this on terms of nothing but my love. You have stolen my heart, and I do not have insurance. All I ask is that you keep it safe, and close at all times. So, what do you say?

I'm in tears, now, my fingers are shaking, and the lettering on this paper is running as my tears drip onto it and fall off. He was gonna propose, and he couldn't. "Josh..." I whimper. I look back up at Tyler, and he pulls a blue, velvet box out of his pocket and hands it to me. That's where I lose it. I engulf Tyler in a hug and sob into his shoulder.

He is barely holding enough composure to hold himself up, and he just keeps trying to cheer me up. "Debby, he loved you so much. He would never stop talking about how much he did. I'm... I..." Tyler finally returns the favor and cries into my shoulder. He cries do hard, and it breaks my heart even more. "I'm so sorry." He whimpers, gripping the hair on the back of my head. "I'm so, so sorry."

"C'mon, guys." Jenna whimpers, pulling us apart. "We're gonna be late." She takes Tyler's hand and kisses his cheek, whispering something inaudible to me in his ear. I take the time to open that box and slide the ring on my finger. God, its Beautiful. Its simple. Its silver, with four really small diamonds surrounding a big one.

I miss him.

The ride is silent. No words come from any of us. No sounds, no endless clicking of a keyboard, and seeing that Tyler is in here, and not driving, this silence never felt so terrifying.

But the silence is even worse when we get there. It's literally people biting their tongues to hold their composure until they break down, and as soon as one crumbles, they all fall. Brendon Urie is here, and for once, he doesn't say a word, but he sees me and gives me a 30-second hug. Its like when you have that one obnoxious friend, and he is always the person dragging you onto the dance floor when all you want to do is take shots until you're unconscious. No matter how drunk he is, he'll be running around making sure everyone is having a good time. But something happens... And that guy suddenly ends up being the one drinking himself to sleep in the corner, and you don't really know why. I do know why, in this case, and it hurts so bad. "It wasn't fair." Brendon whispers. "He didn't deserve this."

I break away and hush him. Everyone knows that Brendon likes wearing suits. They make him happy. That's why he isn't wearing a suit. Its kind of funny, really. He never wears suits to funerals. He always just wears a button up and fancy pants, because suits make him happy. "I know, Bren." I whimper. I pull my hair out of my face. "I know."

"Deb!" I hear a voice from behind me. I turn to see a very tired looking Benjamin Kowalewicz standing there. I sigh, and pull him into a hug, as well. He just stares at me and I want to snap, again. I hate this so much. "I... I'm really sorry." He whispers.

"That's about the thousandth time I have heard that, today." I squeak. I glance down at my feet, once more, and he puts a hand on my shoulder, shaking his head. "I'm okay, Benji." I whimper.

"Keep telling yourself that." He tilts my head up. "Because right now, it isn't very convincing." He pats my shoulder. "We gotta get inside."

I nod,following him. I don't want to. Josh is in there. I can't see him. It'll tear me down. It will rip me apart from the inside, and I don't know if I can come back from that. Nonetheless, I follow Benjamin, and find a seat, keeping my head down to avoid any glimpse of the mahogany casket in the center of the room. I can't. I can't look. I can't see. I can't watch. I can't look at him.

"Deb," Josh whines. "What is wrong with burritos?" He looks at me with those eyes that could make you melt if you weren't used to them.

"Josh, you have had burritos for lunch every day this week. Expand your horizons." I laugh, poking his forehead.

"You haven't had burritos like I have them! They're so good!!" He presses, taking a sip of the Red Bull in his hand. He groans as I shake my head.

"I'm ordering Chinese, Josh. Take it, or leave it." I giggle, looking him dead in those puppy dog eyes if his.

"No!" He launches himself on top of me, snatching the phone from my hands. I groan in annoyance and he grins in accomplishment. "I promise to give this back as soon as you promise to order burritos."

"I hate you, sometimes, Dun." I grumble, pulling it from his fingers. I kiss his cheek, smiling.

"Love you, too, Ryan."

Why did I look up right there?

Blur. That's all I see. Its one big blurry blob, until I blink the tears away. Its so clear, I want the tears to come back and make it blurry again. Pale. Tired. Sick. These words don't even begin to describe how he looks to me. Dead. That's what he is. Josh is dead, and I haven't seen him since that day. It comes as a shock. It comes as a lie. Its a lie. I am going to wake up tomorrow morning, and he's gonna be right there next to me. He's gonna argue with Tyler about Taco Bell. He's going to laugh about cat videos on YouTube. He's going to be Josh. My living, breathing, Josh Dun.

Stop lying to yourself, Debby.

I sit, avoiding looking at that casket, still. Its slowly bending me. Its testing me, and I am determined not to break until I am alone. I cannot show weakness, or vulnerability. Its been that way since I was a teenager. I just can't do it.

20 minutes later I hear my name.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

No you can't.

I slowly stand, shutting my eyes and clenching my fists. Just get it over with. Just do it. I purse my lips as I step behind the podium. It gives me a perfect view of him. Don't look. "Josh is..." I trail off, and I shut my eyes. "Josh was everything to me. He was my lifeline. He was my life. He was my Sunshine. He was my everything. To have your life ripped away from you in an act of idiocy is something that hits hard, and will last a lifetime. Joshua William Dun was a kind, sweet, passionate guy who didn't deserve what he got. No one in this room deserves what he got. I... I loved him. I loved him so much, and that'll never change. Josh did so much more than just drum. He changed lives. He inspired, and he'll leave a legacy wherever he goes. I'm not gonna say he isn't truly gone, because if he wasn't truly gone, we wouldn't be sitting here. He'd be at home, with me, on the couch, texting 90% of you. I'm just gonna leave it with this: This isn't goodbye. It never will be. It's see you later." I practically rush off the podium, and back to my seat, staring at the ring on my finger.

The service ends, shortly after, and I just stay where I am until it's just me, Tyler and Jenna left. I stand, holding my breath. I trudge to the open casket. God, I just want him to be like Achmed, the Dead Terrorist and pop up like, "ELLO! I AM LINDSAY LOHAN!" It isn't fair. "I love you so, so much, Josh." I whisper, kissing his cold cheek, before I run outside and break down. I break down knowing that that is the last time our skin will ever touch on this world. The last time I'll ever see him.

I love you.

---

Kiss me on the mouth and set me free
Sing me like a choir
I can be the subject of your dreams
A sickening desire
Don't you wanna see your man up close?
A Phoenix in the fire
So kiss me on the mouth and set me free
But please don't bite.

--a/n--

If you don't know who Benjamin is, he us the lead singer of Billy Talent (a great band tbh)

I'm back. And I'm looking for co writers on a few stories so if you are interested pls contact me

Other than that eh

I love you my Carcrashovercastyoungbloods

-Emily aka foblvr