It didn't rain.

I was expecting rain, and it never came.

It was wrong for the world to be so bright, for the sun to show its unwanted face. It was wrong for the world to completely disregard Thomas, the one person who mattered more than anything else. Has it already forgotten, or did it not even notice he was gone in the first place?

The only noticeable change was the birds. Their song was elegiac. Mournful. But soon, they returned to the way it was before, and everything had moved on.

Apart from me.

I stared in the mirror. I hadn't cried in a few days. After a while I guess you just start to run out of tears. But I was still devastated.

Every morning I woke up, praying it was all just some horrible dream, daring to hope that he'd be right next to me, and I'd cry, and he'd comfort me, but it would all just be a dream. But every morning, when I summoned enough courage to open my eyes, he was gone, and I got to relive the most painful moment of my life—when Thomas left it.

Today was going to be worse than all the others, though.

Today was the day I'd finally have to let go.

"You okay?" Eliza asked, knocking lightly on the door to warn me of her presence.

I shook my head as she entered and fell to my bed. After the first day, Eliza and Philip have been the only two things stopping me from unspeakable acts. They've grounded me, somehow managed to keep me together.

I joined her on the bed and raised my hands to my face. "I dreamt about him again."

Her hand on my back. No words, just her touch. I forgot how much I craved touch, even if it wasn't his. I leaned in to her, and her arms found their way around me. "I know what you're going through. It's okay Alexander," she murmured. "Everything's going to work out in the end."

I nodded, and she pulled me closer, and I stared in the mirror at the pitiful reflection looking back at me.

She let go of me. "Ready to go?"

I shrugged. Of course I wasn't, but I wouldn't ever be. How could I?

"It's going to be okay, Alexander." She paused, lifting my face to where I was looking straight into her sincere eyes.

I did the unthinkable. I kissed her. I don't know why. I don't know what I was thinking, if I was thinking at all. But I was hurting. She was right there. Maybe I wondered if she was anything at all like Thomas, and oh Divinity, she wasn't. Where Thomas smelled like rain, she was flowers. Where he tasted like honeydew, she tasted like sugar. And she's gentle, slow. She didn't pull me back on top of her like Thomas would, wrapping her arms around my neck.

It's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing at all.

She should have pushed me away. I should have stumbled backwards, awkwardly apologizing. But neither of us moved until I couldn't breathe and slipped away from her.

"Fuck," I murmured. "I'm sorry. I...I don't know what I was thinking."

"It's fine," she said, breathless. She smoothed her hair. "Let's just...let's not tell anybody? I don't think they'd be against it, but it seems a little tasteless so soon."

"Yeah."

She stood up and paused, looking down at me. "It's okay to move on, Alexander. It's okay to want to be happy." She kissed me again, this time lightly on the cheek, and left without another word.

I fell back against the bed, hands on my temples.

"I'm so sorry Thomas. That was a mistake. That shouldn't have happened."

I said it as though he could hear me. As though he was right beside me, watching everything play out. It took me a moment to remember that he wasn't. That he was gone.

~•~

I hugged my body.

Cold. That's all there is anymore. And there's nobody I can turn to to make it go away. Or maybe there is. I don't know. I'm lost in a sea of emptiness with nobody and nothing to guide me. My senses of reality are all fucked up.

The procession was quiet, as a funeral march should be. Philip was at my left, head lowered to watch the ground. Eliza was just up ahead, walking next to Angelica. They were talking in a hushed murmur, barely audible from where I was standing. Angelica handed her younger sister what looked like a chain. Eliza accepted and pocketed it.

Truth was, I wanted to turn and run away into the forest. I wanted to leave this whole thing behind. How in Divinity's name could I face this? This last goodbye, this final time I'd ever be able to utter his name? They wanted me to speak. They wanted me to say something. They didn't have to tell me, but I knew they would be looking for it. It was customary. A tradition not to be broke. And I had a speech prepared alright, and I had rewritten it several times. And each time it seemed worse than the last.

I didn't want any stupid funeral. I just wanted Thomas. I just wanted my Thomas.

And I was crying again. Great. I wiped the tears away as we reached the clearing. Washington, who was leading us, stopped in the middle, his head bowed. I fell into place by his side, and he looked down at me and offered a smile I didn't believe for one second. But I knew what he was trying to do, and it was extremely admirable. Be the strong one even when you feel like falling apart.

I wish I had that strength.

The silence wasn't new, but this time, it was so much more confining. Nobody wanted to be the first to break it. The first to acknowledge that he was actually, truly gone. Finally, Washington cleared his throat. "Lafayette?"

"Oh," the Aspis said. "Sorry." He flicked his hand, and the ground split apart. A statue rose from the ground. I gasped as my eyes fell upon it, and I wanted to flinch away from the unnatural monstrosity. It bore such a similar likeness to him.

His eyes were dead set in his task. His body was turned but his head was forwards and raised defiantly, ready to meet whatever creature thought itself strong enough to attack him. Two great, bat-like wings sprawled from his back like a protective shield around his body. He didn't hold a sword, but a scythe in his right hand, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why Lafayette would choose that instead of his signature weapon. Horns framed the top of his head, curling backwards in some monstrous dance. Two birds sat on his shoulder, resembling Amica and Belletra. A few others were frozen in midair besides him.

It was unmistakably Thomas, and I hated it. I hated it because it was a statue sitting in front of me where it should have been Thomas himself.

It's horrible, I thought, hoping she'd hear me. I just needed her comfort.

"Isn't it?" she returned, answering my call. "I'd hate to see Angelica or Peggy memorialized in stone."

Why does he do it?

"It's an Aspis tradition. I think it helps Lafayette grieve."

I nodded, clutching my arms as a sharp breeze blew through the clearing. I took a minute, glancing around at the other gravestones that lined the ground. There were two relatively close together to the left of where Thomas was going to be for the rest of time.

Is that one mine?

"Yes. The one next to it is John."

You weren't kidding when you said that you'd experience this before.

"People die, Alexander. It's a part of life. We don't have to understand it. We don't have to like it. But it is the way things are."

I turned away as Washington continued speaking, tuning him out. It wasn't that I didn't believe what he was saying, or I thought he was wrong. I just couldn't really handle this right now. It was too soon. Too soon to accept that he was gone and move forwards with our lives.

What was I going to do now?

My eyes wandered across the clearing, noting how many gravestones there were before eventually falling on the forest surrounding us like an enemy prepared to attack. I frowned, shoulders rising, as I saw an outline. A lighter gray against the shadows that the trees cast. I stumbled backwards as a gleam disrupted the darkness.

Did you see that?

"See what?"

There. In the forest. I think it's an animal or something.

"Everything alright, Alexander?" Hercules asked under his breath, steadying me so I didn't fall.

I nodded and whispered a thanks, turning to try and find Eliza.

"I don't see anything. Are you sure? You might be going through stress. Angelica can—"

Forget it.

I stepped forward, falling back into line, as Washington finished up his speech. This couldn't have been easy for him. How many times did he have to do this? Had he done this for me?

Maybe we were all waiting. Maybe Thomas would come back, just like I did. Maybe he wasn't gone.

Wishful thinking, I know. Wishes that I held onto because if I didn't have some semblance of hope, I know I'd hate myself because I'd be forgetting him.

This is all my fault.

I wiped at my eyes, shaking where I stood. The seconds ticked by like hours as I stared at the empty casket. There was nothing left of him, nothing we could find at least.

I let out a breath and stepped forward, opening my mouth to speak.

"Oh, you all look so sad."

I spun, a dagger in my hand. I recognized that voice immediately. "You!" the word ripped itself from my mouth, a harsh syllable with an amount of fury I've never felt before. "I'll have your head on a stake!"

He didn't so much as flinch. "I came to pay my respects."

I stepped forward, brandishing the dagger, but suddenly, I found that I couldn't move. Panic raced through my veins, but every attempt I made to escape the deadly lock I assumed he had me in did little good.

"Don't be an idiot, Alexander. You stand mo chance against him," Eliza cautioned in the back of my mind, and I relaxed slightly as I realized she had been the one to stop me.

He can't get away with what he's done.

"And he won't."

Washington stepped forward, the sword suddenly in his hands gleaming in the sunlight. "What are you doing here?" he spat, crossing the clearing and pressing the sword against the King's throat in a matter of seconds.

"Like I said, I'm here to pay my respects. I assume that's why the rest of you are all gathered, or did you forget about Thomas that quickly?"

"Shut up!" I yelled, but the only thing it accomplished was Eliza's hold on me growing stronger. The King didn't even bother to look in my direction, to acknowledge the fact that he tore the most important part of my life away from me like it was nothing. My fingers tightened around the dagger, and the moment Eliza let go of me, I wouldn't find solace until it was lodged cleanly in his neck.

"Get out of here," Washington hissed.

King George smiled pleasantly, hardly bothered. "I don't take orders from you." He sighed, withdrawing. "But fortunately, I'm about to leave anyway. I just came here for one more thing." In the span of a single second, he had a hand wrapped tightly around Angelica's arm, who had appeared next to him. She barely had time to realize what was happening before he said, "I'm going to need your services," and disappeared.

It took Eliza all of three seconds to release her hold on me. "Fuck!" she yelled so suddenly it made me jump. She ran her hands through her hair, gripping it tightly, and forced a sigh. "Okay, okay, it's alright. We've got to go now."

"What the fuck just happened?" Lafayette demanded, almost at the same time. "Why in the name of Divinity's children did he take Angelica?"

"Doesn't matter. We have to get her back before he does something horrible. Alexander? Alexander, where are you going?"

"Does it matter?" I snapped, storming away from them. "I've fucked up enough."

"Alex—"

"I just need some time alone, okay?" I said, not bothering to look back until I had put quite a distance between me and them. The sudden thoughtfulness of the forest consumed me with each step I took, and when I knew I was truly alone, I dropped to the ground and I cried.