Tw: Eating disorders, bullying, cursing, angst.

—

Evan Hansen had told no one about how much he obsessed over his weight.

Everyone thought that he was quiet. Everyone thought that Evan was okay, and they never batted an eye at him after he told them not to worry. Every time he would look at food, he would feel happy, and then empty, and then terrified. It was an odd feeling, really. His eyes would graze against the meals that everyone else would have in the chili cafeteria, and he would get nowhere but hearing the exaggerated voices of the kids across the room, telling him that he's too fat to eat, and that he doesn't deserve it.

They were right, right? Evan was never a part of a sport. He never worked out. He never thought about being in any sort of athletic activity, at the school. It wasn't his fault that none of it interested him. Nothing seemed to, anymore. Nothing helped Evan cope, besides obsessing over the number in the scale. Right then, the five-foot-ten boy was 91 pounds (41.27Kgs). It was still to much for him. Evan's target weight was somewhere where no one could make fun of him because the only thing left of him was skin and bone. And, fuck, he knew it wasn't healthy, but he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop eating a tiny Taco Bell taco, only to throw it up in the next hour. He couldn't stop running away from his problems, pushing them away like they were lightly dressed in gravy and served to him on a silver platter. ((OML PLATT er))

Evan had stopped eating about a month ago, only having about half a bottle of water every day. He found he didn't need them much anymore. It became a point of homeostasis. He could keep down, at best, a chicken nugget, unable to even fathom the thought of eating so revolting and fattening. He felt his stomach heave.

Excuse us for a moment.

Evan was brought back to reality. He sat at a table with Connor, Jared, and Zoe. They all talked about how happy they were about the one act play finally being upon them. They all gushed over different characters, marveling over their auditions, the comments they had gotten.

Evan didn't try out.

No matter how much arm pulling, twisting, smacking against a wall Connor did, he could not convince his boyfriend to do one act play with him.

Evan was a phenomenal actor, at least in his eyes. He had barely any tells, and he was the best reader out there, really. He was fantastic at delivering lines. Connor would know. Evan had helped him memorize so many times, while just reading over the paper. Connor knew he was a phenomenal actor.

Evan did, too.

After all, how could he hide his secret so well?

"Evan," Connor started. He looked at the boy with concerned eyes. "Do you want to hang out after school today? I've been meaning to talk to you about something." Connor's grip around Evans fingers tightened, slightly, his shoulders haunches in an almost protective stance as his eyes scanned the crowd of people around them. His eyes finally landed in Evan, whose sunken eyes were wide with nervousness.

Evan stared at Connor, his free hand rubbing against his pants as an anxious tendency he had picked up. He looked down, and then back up at Connor. "Uh, Yeah, of course," Evan threw on a smile, looking lovingly at Connor. He tilted his head on his shoulder, sniffing as Connor tore off a bit of his sandwich and handed it to Evan. He politely declined, saying that his lunch was big enough, and that he had eaten it in class.

In reality, Evan was struggling to hold down an entire goldfish cracker.

Connor frowned, taking it back. He took a bite, sighing as his eyes grazed over his boyfriend's lanky frame. "Meet me in the theatre room at 4:20, alright, Evan?"

"Okay," Evan smiled, taking his hand out of Connor's. He planted a small kiss on Connor's cheek. "I have to go to class." He sighed. "Love you."

"Love you, too." Connor looked at him, biting his lip.

—

The rest of the day dragged on with minimal insults. Evan left his seventh period classroom with a lower self esteem than when he entered it, but that was just traditional. The kid he sat next to would constantly torment him, from calling him out on stupid (and more often then not, nonexistent) mistakes that would still send Evan into a spiral of anxiety that would make him second guess every single word he said, or thing he did. Evan began to focus more on every possible mistake that could be made instead of all of the great things his teacher told him. She would tell him to stop worrying about it, that he was doing incredible in her class, but Evan would still stress over every illegible seven he had ever written.

It's okay, though, because he was going to see Connor. Connor loved him. Evan was going to be loved.

Or his heart would be crushed like a damn soda can, because Connor can't live with an idiot like him, not eating? Come on! Who is stupid enough to do that?

Evan sure as hell was.

"Connor?" He called out, looking around desperately for his boyfriend. He sniffed, seeing him slouched in the corner of the room, a book placed in his lap, his knees against his chest.

He looked up, frowning at Evan, lightly. "Hey, babe," he called, closing the book and putting it in his bag.

"What are you reading?" Evan asked, walking towards Connor. He tilted his head in curiosity, biting his lip as he crouched next to his boyfriend.

Connor zipped his bag shut, looking at Evan. "It's Eragon," He deadpanned, turning his attention to his boyfriend. "Evan, we need to talk."

Evan's heart dropped. He looked at Connor, tensing as he felt the unbearably familiar sting of tears in his eyes. The sensation wasn't anything new. It was a feeling of helplessness that he so easily dismissed as normal. He bit his lip in frustration towards himself. He got upset. "What... what about?" His voice cracked, his eyes unable to meet Connor's. He feared the worst; that Connor had wanted to break up. He began to feel woozy. His mind clouded, and his heart raced, and his hands began to shake.

"Why have you been lying to me?" Connor took his hand, his other hand reaching into his book bag. He pulled out a large, dirty, torn tan bag with a sandwich, two small oranges, a bottle of water, and a bag of goldfish in it. Evan tilted his head in confusion, until Connor turned it around, exposing Evan's name in messy black letters. "I found this in the dumpster when I was working with construction today." He looked at it. "You said you ate lunch today," Connor looked at him.

"What? I did—"

"How long?" Connor glared at him. His eyes were icy, brimming with tears, his hair falling against his shoulders. His heart beat quickly, almost out of his chest as Evan looked down, terrified. "How long, Evan, because trust me, when we first started dating, you didn't look like this."

"Why does it matter what I look like?" Evan snapped, yanking his hands away. "You said you love me for me, right?" He stood up, his legs shaky, a wave of dizziness crashing down on him like a wave. He leaned against the wall. "I didn't peg you to be that type of person," he snarled.

"Don't try to turn this on me, Evan. I don't care if you look like a fucking burn blister on my uncle Morris's foot!" Connor stood up with him, his eyes glinting in confusion. "I'm worried about you."

"You should stop worrying, Connor!"

"You should stop starving yourself, Evan!" His voice cracking at the statement. They let it sink in for a moment, Connors eyes letting out a steady stream of tears. He sniffled, looking at him.

"I'm not starving myself."

Connor looked at him, his eyes glinting in pain and horror as he approached Evan. "Then What are you doing?

"I'm doing the world a favor." Evan looked down, the dizziness unable to subside. He looked at Connor. "Look, Connor, I may not be able to stay happy, or talk to people, or control my anxiety, but this is the one thing I can control." He paused. "I can control how I look, simply by..." He let out a soft breath of exhaustion. "By why u out I my mouth."

"It's hurting you. You have to eat." Connor looked at Evan, tilting his head in a mix of fear and confusion. He grabbed Evan's hand, but the other jerked it away.

"Don't you get it? I don't care!" Evan paused, pushing himself off the wall. "I don't care if I am hurting. I don't care if it's hurting me. I don't care if it is ruining my life. At least..." the dizziness crashed over Evan once again, but this time his eyes glazed over in tears, and his knees buckled.

Connor rushed forward, catching his boyfriend mid tumble. He laid him down, Panic surging through his veins. He let out a soft screech. "Oh my god, Evan!" Connor whimpered, pressing his fingers to Evan's neck. "Evan, what happened?" He whispered. "Someone, Help!" Connor screamed, brushing Evan's hair back as he placed his head on his lap. "Anyone, please, please help me." He whimpered, hoping a student or a teacher would walk by and be magically able to bring Evan back, happier, healthier, twenty pounds heavier.

Connor dragged his phone out, with shaky fingers. He let out a soft cry.

"What is your emergency?"

Connor gulped, tears streaming down his face as his fingers played in Evan's hair.

"Help! My boyfriend just fainted."

—a/n—

Okay there will most likely be a part two but I need something generally quality for my amino so yeah

Psa my mom got me front row Fall Out Boy tickets  for my sixteenth birthday Agh

I need sleep good night.

I love you my Carcrashovercastyoungbloods

-Emily aka Foblvr