Nicole Dabria:

Pros:
-I can already see the relationship between Nic and Cassie. It just feels natural as it is.
-Your skill of using metaphors as descriptions is amazing.
-Very intrigued by this Auntie character and I already like her
-Not overly long or detailed. Just right.

Cons:
-Each line of dialogue when a new person speaks makes a new paragraph. I can better explain in a  DM if you want.
-The part where Cassie gets attacked was a tiny bit unclear
-While metaphors are awesome, having tons of them back to back can be overwhelming. Break it up with some short natural descriptions.

Joules Tesla:

Pros:
-Great descriptions that aren't overly saturated but with interesting comparisons.
-Entry was short so there's not a lot to pick at but I liked the flow of it.

Cons:
-Commas can be our friends. Don't forget to use them and break sentences up. They act as pauses so it can help to read things aloud and see what sounds natural.
-Would've been nice to see a tiny bit more of Joules' personality but given the situation I can understand why that wasn't easy to do.

Corbin Magpie:

Pros:
- Very funny and interesting way of making light of a dark situation without underselling the danger.
- Can't wait to see the brother dynamic play out
- Interesting use of the 'I am indifferent but being punished' sort of position.

Cons:
- It's okay to have Corbin ramble but don't sacrifice too much detail for it.
- Don't be afraid to also get dark and gritty too. Give that contrast of Corbin and the situation.

Alice Humphrey:

Pros:
-Interesting narrative at play. I like it.
-I'm liking your figurative language a lot.
-I can get a pretty good sense of He'd character already which is nice
-Her powers are gonna be cool to see
-Nice little line of Latin there.
-Funny ending line

Cons:
-Commas are our friends. Don't be afraid to use them.
-Tenses get a little mixed up. I suggest just reading what you write out loud. It helps catch a lot of mistakes.
-Use dome different starters. Rather than the progressive Then, or Alice. It can get generic. And despite what teachers say you can use And or But to start a sentence. 
-Each line of dialogue when a new person speaks makes a new paragraph. I can better explain in a  DM if you want.
-It was unclear that she had found two girls in danger

Feyre Azure:

Pros:
-Like the dynamic between Feyre and Ezra
-Ezra and Fry's dialogue/actions flow really well and seem natural together
-Interesting Cross over with Alice Humprhey's entry

Cons:
-Don't use 'so' all the time to accentuate how extreme something is
-Each line of dialogue when a new person speaks makes a new paragraph. I can better explain in a  DM if you want.
-Little unclear on what spooked them off from behind the wall

@TheLolz34
I've decided that you'll continue on since the circumstances preventing your first entry suck. However, you'll need to submit your first entry with your second in order to get notes and scored.