**opens the letter**

Dear February,

It takes immense courage for me to write this letter to you. I know you're just any other month in a calendar for any other person, but perhaps your identity constantly changed for me over the years since that promise.

Hey Feb, A year went by since I welcomed you again, yeah... literally a year went by.

Well being the way I am firstly the welcomes, Welcome back...

I'd say it's a pleasure to have you back but quite frankly, I don't think I can say that whole heartedly. I think you know the reason why.

Don't worry, this is not a letter out of spite nor it's a my screams into the void, nor the complaints I have regarding you. 

This letter is just a reminder for me that how important and how painful you're to me, cause apparently You just never stop....

It feels like the amount of pain you inflict on me grows every year, sometimes linearly and sometimes exponentially. 

Past few years you weren't so bad, but alas you showed your true colors and in such a way that it's hard to even forget. 

I wish there was a way to remove you from the calendar. 

Oops! sorry, I'm complaining. This isn't supposed to be that. But I don't know how to vent out what's inside of me. I don't have no one. These pages are my only escape and lately even  filling my pain in these pages aren't enough to soothe me. 

Things are getting ruined for me and apparently like always, I'm the main reason for everything. 

But the ritual of pain started after a promise in desperation, right?

Do you remember how did you make me shiver and quiver  the first time?

Do you remember that god awful panic which made not waking me next morning a boon?

Do you remember the disrespect that got thrown onto me just because I cared too much?

Do you remember that chocolate cake and midnight call?

Do you remember the whisper before .....

Do you remember the text you recieved next that which you hoped would be better but ...... yeah... good endings are always in fairy tales, not real life.

Do you remember the restless nights that followed after and those constant headaches?

The search history for a cure of shaking hands and things to keep you distracted?

Do you remember the building anticipation and constant... hope?

Hope...

It's what keeps everyone alive, right? 

But I have a question for you, what if that hope is the posion that you drink everyday just awaiting the D-day when everything just collapses?

What if the expectation you thought you left behind resurfaces disregarding your mental screams to go and hide and not to expect but still tries..... forces.....to believe the other person, their soul... but all you get is just......a fuck off wrapped in gentle words.... and sometimes plain and simple. 

I'm sorry I couldn't help myself .... I went through my Emma.... my diary.....and the chapter I wrote oh! so long ago thinking that it'd help me get past all the haunting memories thinking I could start afresh, thinking I  have healed.

I did.

Until you came back again... and brought the same gifts that you brought all those years ago... every year.

The misunderstandings, the hopes, the expectations, again the same feeling of being a non important piece of collection in the veil of ....I don't even know what to name it.

You see, it wasn't easy to survive you. It wasn't easy to go through you... February. You never fall short of being a constant reminder nor do you fall short of humbling me and grounding me that I shouldn't try to extend my expectations and get my hopes up especially when it's from the other person cause.... it always turns into disappointment. 

You proved yourself right again.

But... I did learn a lot from you.

The same lesson I learn every year and try to perfect it. Not expecting from anyone else but only from oneself. I think you bring me the reminder that I need to love me more than I do others.

That I am more important to me than someone else, no matter how important or close and...

To be self dependent rather than leaning on to someone else even if they're offering... cause... well I think no one can carry me or even provide a safe space except myself.

And I have a lot of work to do in that department. Loads of it cause,

Even I can't provide myself with a safe space. 

But Hey!!!

See I told you this isn't a letter of complaint.

While you did bring suffering to me again, I think..... I am hoping.....that I'll learn to be self-dependent more now. To keep my expectations low no matter how much I am looking forward to something.

It's often said that patience bears sweet fruits, but I guess sometimes they're sour too.

Sometimes patience is not all you need, sometimes being busy is much better. 

Time has passed by... a lot of time.

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'll move forward learning to be self independent cause I think I need peace and chaos only cause of me.

Also, call it a fool's move but I did what I always do whenever you come. 

This year it wasn't that bad except for the fact that it felt hollow and devoid of any emotions. Like a ritual done just for the sake of it. 

I think things do drift apart eventually, but what was that sadness I felt? 

Why that sadness? 

Maybe I'm making shit up but I guess there's nothing to be done cause I've moved ahead. Far ahead to care anymore.

and...

Whatever leftover care I have anymore, are just emptying cause of new experiences.

I'm not giving up though. 

I'll bear you for as long as I can just to keep my promise. I never go back on my promises.

But You're awful, February.

I want happiness again in my life. I have important things coming up in my life and I need a happy self.

I know happiness is  a choice but not everyone is built happy, and choices are easy... living with them is hard. It requires effort and I have no idea how much it is left in me.

I hope I'll be happy again. 

But I'll keep the lesson you taught me, I'll keep my expectations low.

So Thank you February for teaching me important lessons and values I was forgetting. I have nothing but genuine gratitude for you. 

Yours truly, 

Ash

                                  **closes the letter**

                                ENVELOPE

                                with regards

                               To, February

                                                                              Address: Memories and present.