Thaiter worried. Lucan hadn't said much since he'd come back from talking to Lillian about Covey. He knew Lucan hadn't been near her for three weeks. Thaiter assumed the relationship was over. He was glad. He figured Lucan's silence was his way of coping with the break up.

"You should take a trip down ta Cairns. Get away from the place for a bit," Thaiter told him that night at the dinner table.

Lucan shook his head.

"Well, it'd be good for ya mood." Thaiter laughed and tried to lighten the tension. "I feel like I'm livin' with a dead man and the lads aren't happy with it either."

Lucan looked at Thaiter through his hair but said nothing.

"It's a good thing you broke it off with her." Thaiter nodded. "She was no good for you."

Stirring the food on his plate, Lucan said, "You've said that before. The thing is I never said I was breaking it off with her. I just said I needed time to think."

"So, all this is you thinkin'? All this quiet moping around is you thinkin'? Fuck what's the place gonna be like if it's finished."

"Could be worse." Lucan shrugged. "Could be better. We're engaged."

Thaiter dropped his fork and threw his arms in the air. "Ah fuck! You didn't go and get engaged to her. Why the fuck did ya do that?"

Putting his fork on his plate, Lucan leaned back against his chair. "Who knows and now I don't know what I'm gonna do about it. She has a right to know which way I'm thinkin' except I have no idea which way I want to think."

Thaiter studied his face and said, "So is it that you've had sex with her? Is it ya dick controlling your brain because if that's the case get yaself ta Cairns and rut with one of them girls to get it out of your fucking system?"

"It's not sex, Thaiter. We haven't gone that far. I know we've got problems but for some reason I keep getting pulled towards her." He sighed. "Jesus, we don't have the same ideas about anything. I saw her walking with that Mister Lewis. He's more suited to her than I am."

"Do ya have grand ideas?" Thaiter scratched his head. "Like are you thinking if ya marry above yourself dat it'll somehow make ya a better person."

Lucan shook his head. "The engagement was a flow on from that first time I asked her. It was ta do with me wanting sex. She satisfied me another way, and then asked me if I still wanted to marry her. I said yes because... damn... to show her respect for what she'd done."

"Fuck, Lucan. Listen to yourself. You said yes because of ya dick. You don't tell a woman ya want ta marry her because you've just cum all over em. Fuck, lad, ya don't want this. Take some time away then see how ya feel when ya come back. The lads will be all right with me. Margaret will help me out."

"She has a right to know." Lucan ran his hand through his hand. "I need to tell her but I don't know what to tell her."

"You could forget about it completely and just go."

"No. She needs to be told."

*****

Lucan talked to Bluey about taking a couple of weeks off, so the following week he finished work early and organized what he'd need for the journey. Jacko said he could take the mare as far as Mareeba and stable her there until he came back.

Lucan washed himself, ironed his shirt and waited at the school gate. He sat on the low rock wall of the garden with his elbows on his knees. Children ran past him laughing and chattering.

He didn't notice Covey standing in front of him until he spoke.

"Da... what ya doing?"

Smiling, Lucan ran his hand over his son's head. "I need to speak to Miss Rowles. You go along and I'll be home shortly." Covey nodded, and turned his head toward the class room. Lucan followed his gaze. Lillian was leaning against the door frame with her arms wrapped around her body. She looked at the ground, straightened up, and then looked over at Lucan. She hesitated before walking back into the classroom.

"She's been real nice to me, Da. She even said sorry to me about me hand."

"I'm glad to hear it, Cov." He nudged his head. "Now run along." Lucan sat for a bit longer. He hung his head and took some deep breaths. He wasn't sure how to approach her let alone what to say. While he had his head hung a shadow cast over him.

Lillian stood with her books clutched against her chest looking down at him. She didn't say anything but sat down silently beside him.

He hadn't seen her for nearly four weeks. She looked harsher somehow but sad also. "Hello, Lillian."

She smiled a little. "I wondered if I was ever going to see you again."

"I've had a lot to think about."

"Have you come to tell me what you've decided?" She bit down on her lip.

"Yes and no." He sighed.

Lillian frowned at his hesitation.

Focusing on his hands, Lucan said, "I'm going away for a couple of weeks. I honestly don't think we're suited to each other. I can't give you what you need to make you happy but for some reason I keep getting drawn to you. I need to know if it's love that makes me do that but while I'm here, near you, I can't think with a clear head. Me body keeps interfering. So I'm going away to sort it." He looked at her and gave her a smile to see if she understood. Lucan realised her harsh looks were more to do with how sad she seemed. He sucked in a breath of air and without thinking wrapped his arm around her. Lillian melted against him so Lucan pulled her closer. They sat there for a while and didn't say anything.

"Do you understand?" he whispered.

She nodded and tried to smile. "Do you hate me, Lucan?"

"No... Why would you ask that?"

"Because I hit Covey and you."

Lucan kissed the side of her face. "We all make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from them. At least that's what me ma used ta say." He stood up, took her by the hand, and then walked with her towards Missus Blake's house.

"Are we still engaged, Lucan?"

"Yes and no, Lillian. Ya need to be honest. Do you think I'm the right man for you? We never did talk about it seriously. I need a wife who'll love me bairns and have a meal ready for me, a clean house." He chuckled. "And ironed clothes."

Lillian smiled and touched his shirt. "I see you made an effort. Thank you for that."

"Burnt me bloody finger doin' it." Lucan grinned and held up his pointer. "Sorry I didn't mean ta swear." He sighed again. "You see that, Lillian. I don't want ta have to apologise to me wife for saying something like that occasionally. So ya need to think about whether I'm the right man for you."

"Will you kiss me, Lucan?"

He stopped walking, turned to face her, held his palm gently against her face, and then touched her lips with his. While he kissed her he tried to focus on what he felt. Lucan tried to remember kissing Kat but he couldn't compare because his body reacted and clouded his brain so he focused on his emotions while kissing her. He put it in his memory so he could sort it later.

She sighed when he released her. "I love it when you kiss me, Lucan. I've missed you."

He squeezed her hand and continued to walk. They got to the gate. Lucan touched her face. "I'll be back in a couple of weeks. The boys are staying with Thaiter and Margaret Scott. You need to ask yourself if you could be a miner's wife." He grinned. "There's lots of dirt involved."

Lillian nodded and smiled. "Lucan, I don't know if this is the right moment to tell you but I can't cook."

He burst out laughing. "Oh dear, Lillian. Maybe it's time to learn." Lucan kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye, glad to be leaving on a happy note.

*****

Lucan had plenty of time to think about Lillian and compare her to Kat while he rode towards Mareeba where he would stable the horse, get on the train and travel to Cairns. He made lists in his head. Meeting Kat and courting her was easy, except for her father. She was happy and easy to get along with, accepted him for who he was and was always happy to share his bed. When he went to work, he just wanted to be home with her. When he kissed her, he felt a mix of things, like he wanted to eat her, make love to her and stay joined to her.

With Lillian their meeting had been awkward and had always worried him. Her moods were up and down. She didn't accept everything about him and as far as sharing his bed, well, she hadn't complied. Did he think she ever would be eager? No, he didn't. He had heard other men talk of their wives. Some sounded like Kat but others had excuses from having headaches to the children might hear. Some men were restricted to one day a week or a month. Lucan put Lillian in that category. What did he feel when he kissed her. An erection was what he felt. So, was it as Thaiter put it, him, thinking with his dick?

By the time he got to Cairns he was sick of thinking about it. He still didn't have any answers so he thought he should take Thaiter's advice and get a yearly supply of female company in one hit to see if that would make anything clearer for him. He paid for a room at the Railway Hotel because he was told it was quieter. If he wanted any action, it was Sachs Street he had to go to.

Lucan made his way to the Crown Hotel, bought himself a drink and walked around the crowded room. He stood and watched a group of men huddled over a game of Fan-tan which was drawing a great deal of attention. The Tan Kun used a small bamboo stick to remove the buttons four at a time to find the winning number was three. He listened to the hum of voices as the Chinese spoke quickly and watched as the buttons were gathered up once more. Lucan searched the room with his eyes as he took another mouthful of his drink.

As he swallowed the tepid liquid he noticed two women, one dark the other fair, laughing hysterically in the corner. Lucan studied them with interest. The darker one stopped suddenly and pointed in his direction. Lucan took another mouthful, curious. He watched as she turned the other to face him and as this fair woman's eyes met his, Lucan felt the rough liquid burn the back of his throat.

I wonder who these two women are?

Photo - Gettyimages.