Charlie's Harley Davidson Indian^^^

Song: Still they ride by Journey

February 17 , 2017

I don't know why I find myself writing like this again. Maybe it is the need for someone to just listen to me. I often fine myself alone and lonely in this house. There are no more little ones running about to take up my time. I just hope writing like this will help me sort through all that been going on inside my head. I guess I need to start over again.

From the beginning.

Somewhere between the age of 18 and 22 I was happily unaware of the fact I could lose something. It was the one thing I value above everything else ..... it was, myself.. The real person that I am. I thought I had my life in order. I considered myself to be in control.

I worked hard to prove that I could do anything that a man could do.. I became owner and head mechanic of my dad's shop. I was my own person. Lived by myself, took care of my own bills, and I did not need nor want a man. I didn't want one in my life full-time. I didn't want a man to define my life.

I was just beginning to learn that I was a dominant. I had a new friend (Sandy) who told me about the BDSM lifestyle. She had just begun to teach me what I needed to know. For a few months I ate up the information she dished up to me like a kid in a candy store. She was more than happy to provide me with the information along with her submissive Bull.

Then like in everyone's life all that changed, my father died, and nearly kill me. I lost a important contact for the shop, which caused me to lose the family business. And most importantly I lost my dominant self. I felt like I was a failure.

At the age of 23 I did something that I now question. I got married. As I look back now I see that I did not do this for love. I married my friend. A man who pulled me through the hardest time in my life. After that hard time was over. We had fun, we spent time with each other on the weekends. We laughed, rode bikes(motorcycles), we hang out with friends.

Now after 24 years of life with this man. I don't see the woman I use to be. I only see the shell of the person I am. Looking in the mirror, I don't see my face at all. I can't find the dominant I once was. I can't even remember when I lost myself. I have been like a mama bear waking up from a long hibernation.

There is a point when you lose your name... you stop being you. You become 'his wife' and (more importantly) 'their mama'. Now, after all these years, I see it. I not sure what woke me up, but I did.

It's all becoming more clear to me. I no longer want this life with a man I don't love and doesn't love me. I can feel it, like the change in the atmosphere of a coming storm. There is something out there. I just have to wait for the first lighting strick.

At this point in my life I am his 'ol' lady'. It a title you get when you ride behind the man who owns you. There was a time I did my own driving. No one owned me I was my own person, and, now, I want that back.

I am alot older now, and I can see how old I am, most in my children. My daughter is now 22 and married with her own child. My baby boy is a senior in high school, and moving on to the next stage in his life. They are my greatest accomplishments.

When they were younger I threw myself into giving them the best life l could. With my son's looming graduation I now find myself with nothing to do. They both need me less and less. This makes me aware of how isolated I am.

This time of year I find myself needed a escape. The weather makes riding a motorcycle uncomfortable at best. If I still road my own bike. So you start to get cabin fever. This may have been what caused the way I feel now. That and the many hours I spend alone. Something inside me tells me the storm is getting closer.

It becomes clear as he looking at me with a unreal hate-filled look. I don't know when he started hating me. I just started seeing it more and more lately.

"How the hell does this happen every pay day? There is never any money to do what I want!" He look at me with his definite mossy green eyes like I was the cause of all the bills.

He mad at me for the fact that he can't buy the new saddle bags for his bike. If this had happened earlier in our marriage I would have been upset. Maybe even begged for forgiveness. I may have shed a few tears. Pathetically begging him for forgiveness.

Now I feel.........nothing.

"Do you even give a shit?!" he says with as much hate as he can. I can only hold my eye contact. This is how I stand up to him now. I can feel the Domme inside me begin to wake.

I bite my tongue to keep the words from spilling out. I know it will only get turned back on me. He gotten good at turning the tables. I cant stop my mind filling up with the things I want to tell him.

I use to not have a problem with standing up to a man. I loved telling a man off. Just to watch the shocked look on their face. Knowing I had out smarted them or come back with with something better. That was back when I was still the women my dad raised me to be. He loved the fact that his little girl was so smart when it came to cars.

Now I find it hard to submit to the man in front of me. It's getting harder to say the words he is looking for. My stomach twisted with regret. My hands itched to feel the ropes that will bind him. My mouth waters with the taste of his fear of me. My nose twiches with the smell of his anxiety of my reaction of his definite way's. My ears burn to hear him voice beg me for his release. I know none of this will happen so I once again take the low road.

"I'm sorry?" I bite my tongue, as I ask that. Fighting my smile.

I know he see it. The fact that I don't care.. l can't even bring myself to try to convince him otherwise. He stands suddenly. Grabs his keys from the hook by the door and pushes out into the yard.

I sit holding my breath, waiting for the sound.....the 1938 knucklehead El has a very original sound. It's his baby. He spent a year getting just the way he wanted it. Putting in countless hours working it. He spends more time on that bike than with me. I can't even fake jealously over this fact.

I wait.

I wait.

I wait. This is it he going to leave me...this may be the end. For a moment I feel the bubble of hope rise in side of me. He has drifted further away from me for the last year. We no longer are the friends we use to be.

Suddenly he comes back in drops his keys onto the table. My heart drops, as he flops back to the couch. He keeps his face to the tv as he issues his next order.

"Well, you going to cook supper or what." He grabs the remote. Sits back in his like he is king of the world.

Me.

I move to the kitchen to do his bidding. Starting dinner, I have a son to feed. This is why I keep quiet, Donny still depends on me. I stay for him. Somewhere in the back of my mind I mentally count the days left of school. Only a little over three months left.

I am not sure who will break first but I pray I have the strength to out last Griffin. I know I will need my dominant self to get me through what's to come. I just need to hold on for a little longer.

The only thought that bothers me is this will be yet another failure in my life. At least I will not have to shoulder all the blame alone. Griffin had a big part in all of this.

I only wish is when this is all over I could find someone who will love the Domina in me. A man who is my type. Even though he is physically strong and built. Inside is a submissive male in need of a dominatrix to handle all his needs.

A storm always bring some kind destruction, but a violent storm sometimes clears a path. My hope is that this storm I feel coming clears a path for my new life.