"So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up."

- Never Grow Up x Taylor Swift

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Anisha slowly opened her eyes, her eyes focusing on the clock. 5:46 pm. She still felt tired though. The four hour nap hadn't done a thing.

She still didn't have enough energy. She wanted to go back to sleep, again. The pain in her stomach was killing her, literally.

She needed to take another pill. 

She slowly moved but was confused as she felt someone lying next to her. Someone lying next to her, with their arms wrapped around her frail body, hugging and holding her with care.

"Mira?"

Anisha slowly sat up. She smiled softly and ran a hand through Mira's hair, brushing the hair away from her face.

Her smile quickly disappeared as Mira's sobs got louder.

"Oh Mira." Anisha looked down at her daughter, trying to understand why her precious heart was crying.

Mira got up, looking at her mother, teary brown eyes and wrapped her arms around her mother neck, burying her face in the crook of her mother's neck.

"Mira, honey." The way Anisha felt right now, it was painful. Heartbreakingly painful. Her heart felt heavy. She didn't want Mira to cry. She couldn't stand it when Mira cried.

"Oh Mira, what's wrong?"

Anisha picked-up the strawberry colored lipstick that Mira had been playing with. Was Mira afraid that Anisha was going to yell at her for breaking the lipstick? Or maybe for playing with her makeup without permission?

Mira slowly sat down on her mother's lap, rubbing her eyes. Then crossing her arms and looked up at her mother, waiting for her mother to scold her.

She had bright red lipstick smeared all over her lips and chin.

Anisha raised an eyebrow, smiling at her daughter's dress-up game. 

"I'm sowrry, Mommy. I bwoke the lipstick." Mira slowly mumbled, her voice cracking as fresh new tears slid down her face again.

"Oh Mira." Anisha held Mira's face in her hands, brushing away the tears. "It's just lipstick Mira. Nothing else. I break them all the time. That's nothing to cry about."

Mira nodded and then looked back up at her mom, her sobs getting louder again. 

"Aaron doesn't think I'm pwretty."

Anisha slightly parted her lips. Mira was crying because of a boy. Because of Aaron.

Mira sat on her mother's lap, crying and hugging her mother. Her nimble finger wrapped around her mother's neck and her face pressed against her mother's shoulder. 

Anisha let out a wavering sigh. She continued playing with Mira's hair, begging fate to spare her daughter from heartbreak, from anything close to what she had suffered. 

Who knew that at the age of eight, little Mira would get her heartbroken. But this was just a little elementary school crush. What about later on in life? When Mira would get her heart so broken, so torn apart that she would struggle to pull herself together apart but then Anisha wouldn't be there to hold her daughter like she was right now and whisper sweet words into her ear, promising that it would all be okay.

Anisha couldn't help but resent her own fate. Resent the way everything had turned out. 

"Last week, he kiss me when we playing tag and today he said Kwista Cheng was pwettier than me. He said that I look stu-uwpid and that Cinderella can't have black hair. And...and he said Kwista was pwetty because she wear sparkly lipstick. So I want to wear spwarkly lipstick."

"He kissed you?" Anisha looked down at Mira as her eyes widened, clearly she wasn't supposed to tell her mother that. "Does your Dad know that Aaron kissed you?"

"Ugh...Daddy said we're going to meet Cinderella tomorrow. I can't wait to meet Cinderella. Mommy, can you wash the blue sparkly dress. I want to wear it when I meet Cinderella." Mira smiled, her innocent brown eyes staring back at her mother as she tried to change the subject.

Anisha shook her head. "You're too young to be kissing boys Mira. Your father is going to be mad, you know how protective he is." She watched as her daughter looked up with her, slanting her eyebrows to make a mad face.

"I'm serious Mira." Anisha tried wiping away the lipstick Mira had smeared all over her chin and lips. "You don't need to grow up so fast. Being this age, Mira, take it slow. There's nothing fun in growing up too fast."

Mira shrugged, looking down at the floral sheets. "I want to feel pwetty. I just wanted Aaron to tell me I was pretty."

"You are pretty, Mira. You're beautiful. You're kind, you're funny, and you're the best daughter in the whole world." Anisha nodded at Mira. "You, Mira, you are beautiful. Nothing can change that. Ever."

Anisha motioned for Mira to sit on the bed. She slowly stood up, her hand against the wall.

Anisha felt a rush of blood as she stood up, she felt dizzy.

She took small steps towards the dresser and opened the third drawer, pulling out a raspberry pink lip color. It was her favorite lipstick. A shade of love and hope. It was the only color that made her feel pretty. 

Anisha made her way back to the bed and sat down next to Mira.

"Mira." She waited for her daughter to look at her. Smiling she continued. "Makeup doesn't make you pretty. Being a good person makes you pretty."

Anisha brushed the hair away from Mira's face. "A lot of boys, they'll tell you that you look pretty when you're wearing a certain dress or a certain color of lipstick. That's only on the outside though. Mira, the boy that really loves you will tell that you look pretty because he loves all of you, even without the makeup. He'll love you because of the kind of girl you are."

Anisha's voice was soft, a little unsure of what she should tell her daughter. She wanted Mira to be good. But not too good. Just the right amount good.

As long as Mira wasn't too much like her mother, that was all that mattered for Anisha.

"Like Daddy loves you?"

Anisha gave Mira a small nod, sighing. The question had clearly caught her off guard. She didn't want to tell Mira the real answer to that question. Even Anisha didn't know the answer to that question. 

Maybe love was based on look, on youth and beauty. Maybe it wasn't. She wasn't even sure. 

"Yea, just like he loves me."

There was the biggest problem for Anisha. A part of her was hopeful and then, another part of her was resentful. 

She was telling Mira two different things, two very different things that she'd endured. 

Mira was young. She was at the age where all that mattered was sparkly dresses and glass slippers.

Anisha still wanted Mira to fall in love. But she wanted Mira to know when she should stop loving too.

On one hand, she wanted Mira to be cold. To not give a care about other people and their feelings. But on the other hand, she wanted Mira to have some compassion. To be able to offer kindness to others.

Because kindness was often overlooked but it was necessary. And Mira's kindness and love was the only thing that saved Anisha.

But that was what Anisha had been. Anisha had been caring, she had been kind. And in the end, she had ended up broken.

Anisha uncapped the lipstick, running it over Mira's lips, shading her lips a berry red color.

"You don't need makeup to feel pretty. And you most certainly don't need a boy to tell you that he thinks you're pretty."

Anisha smiled as Mira stared at her mother, her eyes still held a hint of wonder and innocence. Anisha placed her hand below Mira's chin, wiping away any remaining lipstick smears. 

"You are pretty Mira. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially some boy."

Anisha was a hypocrite. Everything she said was hypocritical, especially coming from her.

Here she was, telling her daughter to guard her heard and never let a boy influence whether or not she felt beautiful.

But that was exactly what Anisha had done.

She had measured her own self-worth based off of what others thought of her.

First it had been her parents. She had spent years trying to be the perfect daughter. And then it was Andrew. Every time, she'd always looked for Andrew's approval. It had always been about what Andrew thought about her.

She didn't want Mira to be like her. That's all there was to it.

"Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't pretty. And Mira, don't ever let anyone treat you wrong. You...You have to stand up for yourself. No one else is going to stand up for you, you, you're the only one who can stand up for yourself."

Anisha bit her lip, quickly looking away as her eyes welled with tears. "At the end of the day, no one cares. No one cares at all. You have to look out for yourself. No one else will."

"And you have to know when enough is enough. Sometimes, it seems hard but letting go is okay. Sometimes you need to let go. Sometimes, it's better to let go." Anisha fiddled with the ring on her finger. 

Her wedding ring.

Proof that she clearly didn't know when to give up. Even though she should have. A long time ago. 

"There's absolutely nothing worthwhile in holding onto something that was meant to fail. There's nothing wrong with moving to, letting go to find something better. It may not seem like it, but something is always better. There's always something much better out there."  

"You should love Mira. But not too much, never too much."

Too much of anything wasn't good. Anisha wished she had understood that years ago. She had tried to hold onto that too much instead of letting go

Anisha cupped Mira's smiling face in her hands. Her bony fingers brushed away the dried tears.

"Don't ever let anyone else decide your self-worth. Wearing makeup, dressing nicely, acting differently it won't change anything. People should like you for you. Aaron should like you for you. He should like being around you, he should want to be around you. Mira, if he really loves you, he won't change ask you change. He'll love the real you."

But Anisha wasn't sure if Andrew had loved the real her.

"Eww, that's gross Mommy. I don't like like Aaron. He's just fun to play with. I wanted him to be my prince charming in the game we were playing but he choose stwupid Kwista." Mira's laugh was music to Anisha's ears.

It was saving her.

Maybe she would get a few more days like this. If she was even that lucky. She hoped she was. 

She knew she wasn't. 

"Mira and Aaron sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I...." Anisha tickled Mira, teasing her daughter about her obvious crush on Aaron.

"Mommy, stop!" Mira glared at her mother, her cheeks reddening, her stomach tightening from laughing so much.

"What? I thought Aaron was the biggest jerk in the whole wide world." Anisha let out a harsh breath as a sharp pain shot through her stomach.

"He is! I hate him." Mira narrowed her eyes, waiting for her mother to tease her again. "Okay, I kinda like him. But only a little. Sometimes he can be nice. Only sometimes. And his eyes are pwetty."

Mira reached over, scooting closer to her mother. "Mommy, are you okay?"

Anisha shook her head, looking down at her hands. Every little bit of happiness escaped her. How was she supposed to explain to her daughter that she was far from okay? "It's just a small fever."

Anisha wished it was only a small fever. She wouldn't have minded that. But it wasn't just a small fever. It was a small fever that was spelling the end for her.

Mira placed her small hand on her mother's forehead. Mira grinned at her mother, showing off her toothy smile. "See Mommy, this is why you have to eat your veggies. Even zucchini's."

Mira knitted her brows as though she was thinking. "You have a fever of 103 degrees. Any other symptoms? I think you need a spoon of Advil. The purple one, not the red one. The red one is yuck." She stuck her tongue out. 

"Okay Doctor Mira." There was a certain lightness surrounded Anisha. A certain aurora of carefreeness and acceptance.

She truly felt happy. Genuinely. She really did. But she knew where this talk was heading towards. She needed Mira to understand that she was sick. She was very sick. 

"No! I'm Doctor Hayes." Mira pressed her hand against her mother's forehead again, wanting to confirm her diagnosis.

"But I'm supposed to be Doctor Hayes." Anisha pouted, sticking out her lower lip as she continued to tease her daughter. 

"Okay, fine." Mira smiled, widely.

Her smile was something special. For both– Andrew and Anisha.

Maybe it was because whenever Mira smiled, she radiated rays of innocence and of hope.

Because her smile was what both– Andrew and Anisha needed. It was what held them together.

Anisha stood up and made her way back to the dresser. The dresser was her hiding spot, the second drawer to be exact was her hiding spot. It was where once she had hid the razors she used to cut with. Now, she hid her pills in that drawer.

But also in the drawer was a small, rectangular box. It was a teal box filled with letters and other things she held dear.

It was filled with things that had once meant something, everything to her. 

Anisha pulled the box out, placing the box on the table and opened it. She pulled out a gold heart locket.

She hadn't worn the locket in years. Hell, she tried not to think about the stupid necklace.

It was the first thing Andrew had bought her. It wasn't anything special.

It was a cheap, twenty dollar necklace Andrew had bought her from the Pier. But still, it was special. It had been the very first thing he had bought her.

The night he had taken her to the ice cream shop. And then confessed that he was in love with her.

Anisha Hayes had fallen in love. The small little necklace had been a promise. Of care and affection. That someone, that he would always would love her. 

She pulled out the necklace, leaving everything else behind in the box.

At first, she had planned to put the necklace in the envelope that held Mira's letter. It was just a small, short letter Anisha had written to her daughter. For Mira to read on her wedding day. Because Anisha wouldn't be there to watch her daughter get married.

She had wrote Ryan a similar letter.

But Mira needed the necklace now. Anisha wanted to give her the necklace now.

She let the necklace dangle from her hands as she sat back down next to Mira.

Anisha could remember the way he'd held the necklace in his hands. And brushed her hair to the side and put the necklace on her, claiming that she looked beautiful. She could remember. The way his hands had fumbled with the clasp. The way he had turned her around, to kiss her, brushing his lips against hers.

They were just memories now. That's all.

It was a forgotten story. Of the days they had first fallen in love with each other.

"Do you like it?" Anisha held the necklace out for Mira to look at.

Mira instantly reached for the necklace, outlining the small heart with her hands.

"Your dad gave it to me when we first started dating. It's for you Mira. I want you to have it." Anisha let the necklace slip through her hands.

Mira grabbed the small locket. Smiling, she played with it. "It's so pwetty. I'm going to wear it tomorrow when I get to meet Cinderella." 

Mira's eyes lit up with excitement as she continued to play with the small locket her mother had given her. 

She turned her back to her mother, asking her mother to put the necklace on her.

Anisha gave Mira a sad smile as Mira turned back to her mother, fiddling with the necklace Anisha had put on her.

"Mira, you know, I'm sick. I'm very sick. It's not just a fever. I've been sick for a few months now." Anisha wasn't even sure if Mira was even listening. She was too busy playing with her new necklace. Anisha didn't really want Mira to understand what was wrong with her, she just wanted to tell Mira that something was in fact wrong with her. "Sometimes when people are sick, they don't get better."

"And I'm very sick. Do you remember when you told me I had a boo-boo on my hip?"

Mira nodded, looking back up at her mother. Her eyes were filled with awe. They sparkled with happiness, fascination. 

And Anisha hoped the sparkle wouldn't ever dull.

"I've been sick since that day. I..." The next few words were jumbled for her. She didn't know how to tell her daughter that she was going away. That she was going away, forever and ever after. "I'm very sick and I'm not going to get better. Mira, I have to go away."

"Away? Where? I want to come too." Mira flashed her mother a grin. She thought that maybe they were going on another vacation. "Ryan and Daddy can come too! It'll be a winter vacation! We can go to the stupwid red bridge again and we can visit grandma."

Anisha shook her head. Heaviness surrounded her again. Bitterness was on the tip of her tongue. It wasn't fair.

It just wasn't.

How was she supposed to explain this to her daughter? Her eight year old daughter, who was far too young and innocent to understand the way the world worked. To understand and note the cruelty that the world offered.

"Mira, I'm not going on vacation. I...I'm going to go away and I'm not coming back." Her goodbyes were set, they were final.

Anisha Hayes had exhausted every bit of hope that life had offered.

She had every blood transfusion she needed. She took every pill she possibly could. She met every doctor she needed to.

Nothing had worked. 

"Why? We always go to vacation together. And then when we come back, we can go to Disneyland again! I'll get to meet Cinderella two times. That's like three vacations." Mira bounced up and down on the bed, the excitement highlighted her face. Disneyland was her favorite place in the entire world and Cinderella was her second favorite person in the world. Her mommy was her first favorite.

Anisha simply nodded. Her heart torn into pieces. She couldn't say anything else.

How could she possibly to her daughter that she was going away, not on vacation but forever. There would be no Disneyland trip because she wasn't coming back. That in less a month, Anisha would just be a faded memory for Mira.

Mira was too young. And Anisha only got to see her grow for eight years. The rest of her life, Anisha wouldn't get to see that.

Mira would grow, she would grow-up into a beautiful, young girl. And her mother, she would be a faded, a jagged and dull memory.

All Mira would remember would be times her mother had played around with, running around the house chasing after her or moments like this, when her mother had smiled alongside her.

Slowly, those memories would dwindle and they would fade.

Anisha would be a lost memory.

For everyone. For Andrew. For Ryan. And even for Mira.

Anisha chocked down a sob, clearing her throat as heavy tears gathered in her eyes, again. Every word she spoke held the despair she felt.

She did the only that felt right.

Anisha apologized.

For not being good enough. 

For not being the mother Ryan and Mira deserved. 

"I'm sorry Mira." Anisha was whispering, barely. The soft words spilled out as she whispered her goodbyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to fight. It's too painful. It's too hard." Anisha looked at her daughter, the hope in Anisha's eyes had faded. "I really tried to fight, Mira. For you and your brother, I tried to get better. I really wanted to get better. I'm still praying for a miracle. For something to save me. I want something to save me." 

"But I'm sorry, Mira. For giving up too soon. For missing out on the rest of your life. For not being there when you're going to need me. For leaving. I'm so sorry Mira. But please, please don't hate me for not being strong enough. Please, Mira, please don't ever hate me." Her voice cracked, her hands were wrapped around Mira's small body. 

She was begging for her daughter to remember her. To always remember that her mother loved her. 

"Mira, don't ever forget this– I tried to fight, I gave it everything I had. It...it was too late when they diagnosed me. But still, I tried to get better. Mira, I'm sorry. Mommy is sorry, mommy is so sorry, Mira. Don't hate me, please." Anisha broke down sobbing. Her cries were muffled and her heart, it was being pinched, over and over as pangs of sorrow shadowed her. 

Her past slowly caught up to her. Her future was cut short.

The present? She was only living day by day, each minute had the promise of it being her last.

Mira wrapped her arms around her mother, hugging her mother, begging her not to cry. Her small hands wrapped around her mother and she kissed her mother's cheek, offering her a token of the innocence and hope she carried around.

"Plwese don't cry Mommy. I never hate you. I love you so much. You're the best mommy in the whole wide world. I love you more than anyone." She gave her mother a wink and a small laugh. "I love you more than I love Cinderella. But don't tell her that tomorrow."

Mira reached up, brushing away the tears from her mother's face. "Plwese don't cry Mommy. I don't like when you cry. I'm going to cwry too."

It was the same. Exactly the same as she once reached out to her mother, saving her.

But this time, nothing could save Anisha. Nothing at all.

Not even little Mira.

Anisha grabbed Mira's hand, holding her tiny hands in her frail ones. "Mira, I love you. I love you so much. Don't ever forget that, okay?"

"I know. I love you too. Lots." Mira gave her mother a wide smile, pleased that her mother had stopped crying.

Anisha wanted to carry Mira. But instead, she motioned for Mira to follow her to the window. Anisha couldn't even carry her own weight, forget about carrying her daughter.

She pushed the printed curtains aside.

Anisha looked up to the dark, dark sky. Looking for a shining star.

A bright sparkle of hope in the night sky.

And they were there.

The sky was dark, though. The California sky was dull and dark. But it was shining, the dark sky sparkled in gold.

Mira held her mother's hand, looking out the window and then back at her mother.

"Look Mira, do you see the stars outside? Look how bright they are and how much they sparkle. They don't let anything stop them from sparkling in the dark sky. Do you know without stars the sky is all dark? But just a few stars can light up the entire world." Anisha pointed up the sky, promising her daughter that she would always be there.

A little bit of hope could go a long way. A little bit of kindness could change anything.

It was all Anisha could offer Mira. Whenever Mira would need it, her mother would be there. That's all Anisha could tell Mira, that she'd never be alone.

Anisha would always be proud of her.

She bent down, placing her hands on Mira's shoulder. Her dull brown eyes stared back into Mira's bright brown eyes.

"You need to be strong Mira. For your father and for your brother, you're going to have to be strong. The two of them are a lot weaker than they'll admit. But baby, you'll have to be strong."

Anisha waited for Mira to nod. She needed a confirmation– an okay that life would be fine without her, that they all would be fine without her, that her daughter would be fine without her.

"Mira, whatever you do, be happy. If something or someone doesn't make you happy, then leave. Leave. Do whatever you want Mira, I'll be proud of you, always. I'll be proud of whatever you do."

"And when you miss me Mira, I'll always be here." Anisha pointed back up to the stars, her eyes following the twinkling sparkles in the night sky. "Do you see the stars Mira?"

"You know the stars don't shine every night. But they're always there Mira. Sometimes they come out later at night and sometimes they hide behind the clouds. But there always there Mira. Even if you can't see them."

"And I'll always be there Mira. I'll always be smiling down at you. Always. Whenever you're upset or sad, just look to the stars Mira. They're always there. And I'll always be there.

"I'll always be here Mira. Always. Don't ever forget that."

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Hint hint– that someone who's going to fuck Mira over is going to be.............

I also didn't reread this chapter so it's probably all over the place but ehh I'm lazy. 

This is like a day late but Happy New Year to all of you! I hope you all have a great year! Thank you so much for reading :)

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