//TW: suicide, manipulation and emotional abuse, swearing, sex, PTSD\\

Do you know what's coming in a few chapters? Because I do. And it terrifies me.

~•~

Thomas

I tried to call back the last remnants of the dream, but it was swirling away into the mist. No matter how far I tried to reach, it was just out of touch. What was it about? A park, a garden? There was someone there with me, but I couldn't remember who it was.

Whatever had happened in the unknown realm, it left me with a warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach which was a huge contrast to the normal fear and biting anxiety accompanying the first glimpse of dawn that breaks through my vision. Now, I took in the world, the sunlight drifting in through the windows, and it all seemed so...beautiful. So brand new, in the old familiar ways. I blinked as I took it all in, as the last remaining pieces of the dream faded into utter obscurity so completely that they made no sense anymore, but that hardly mattered. The day broke over the fields awaiting outside the window, and the memories of the night before no longer needed to persist.

Warmth poured through me as I gazed at the rising sun and the gorgeous rays of light, colored a dazzling array of hues, that danced along the floor. I breathed in deep, the second thing I noticed being the gentle heartbeat of the person pressed against my back, his hands wrapped around my body. I could tell he was awake, simply by the fluttering way he traced his fingers along my skin. I relaxed against him, searching for the comfort and love his mere touch never failed to provide. I could exist here, for the rest of time itself, and never yearn for anything else. I could exist simply for Alexander the way I was, never needing to bend or change, because he loved me regardless.

It is the moments like this, that I never forget. And for as much as I adore Alexander's grand gestures of passion and romance, from his deep confessions and elaborate displays of affection to the undying drive to rescue me time and time again, it is the moments like these that attach themselves to my soul. The gentle moments spent basking in the morning light, the moments living solely in his arms, listening to his heartbeat and abiding by his love. These are the moments I wish I could stretch into eternity. How amazing it would be, to have a lifetime of such comfort, such warmth. I would live and die in his arms, happily, never yearning for a single thing. He was my safety.

"Thomas?" he whispered softly, perhaps noting the change in my posture as I curled up closer in on myself, trying to retain as much warmth as I could before having to leave it all behind for the less gentle day. "You awake?"

I didn't say anything, softening myself against him so he could hold me closer. I adored the way he held me close, an unspoken promise to always protect me. How could I ever want to exist anywhere else, when he was right here?

"Thomas," Alexander said flatly, pressing his lips against the back of my neck. "I know you're awake, love. There's no point trying to pretend otherwise..." His voice took on a soft lilt to it as he tugged me closer to him, one hand wrapped firmly around my waist, the other trailing down to my thigh.

I remained silent, smiling softly to myself.

"Thomas?" whispered a voice gently. There was the soft feeling of lips being placed against my neck for a few seconds. "Thomas." I continued to ignore the voice. "Well... if Thomas isn't awake, I guess I can give Berlioz back to John then."

"No!"

From behind me, Alexander chuckled. He squeezed his arms, and I couldn't help the soft sigh that escaped my lips, loving every moment of being his. The way he touched me, so gentle yet so passionate. There was no question about his love, and that was perhaps the most wonderful thing in the world.

"Good morning, love," he murmured in my ear, slightly groggy due to the morning fog still pressing in on us. "How are you feeling? Any better than...well, than yesterday?"

I shrugged. "I...I think so," I whispered. "How are you feeling?"

"Well, I woke up with the prettiest person in the world in my arms, so, it can't really get better than that, can it?"

I laughed softly, too taken off guard to disagree with him as I normally would. Alexander hummed softly as he kissed the space between my shoulder blades again, burying his face in the crook of my neck. And despite being awake, despite being beholden to the world and responsible for all of the chores of the day, for a moment, Alexander and I continued to lay there in the embrace of the steadily warming sunlight. We laid there for an immeasurable amount of time, delighting in the situation we had found ourselves in.

But it's strange, how long it took me to notice it. The gentle movement of his fingers against the flesh at my thigh. But once I realized what he was doing, I could not tear my eyes away, my heart skipping every other beat in my chest, throwing the song out of rhythm. I watched carefully, noting every single movement and lazy dance. He hummed as his finger drifted, forcing me to wonder if he even knew what he was doing. But his touch left a fluttering chill, one that silenced me at the same time it freed me, until I could bear it no longer.

I turned to face him, abruptly.

"Can I talk to you about something?"

He blinked, as if surprised. It didn't take him long for him to catch himself, however. "Of course! You can always talk to me!"

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Because, umm, well, it's about James. And it's not...it's not good and this right now is very nice and I don't want to, like, ruin it, you know?" I managed, my voice catching in my throat as I tried to push myself through.

"Hey, yes! Talk to me, Thomas," Alexander said, squeezing my hands. "Please? I want to listen to what you have to say."

I nodded, pressing myself closer against him so I didn't have to match the look in his eyes. "Alright, I—uh," I sighed, taking a deep breath, gathering my thoughts. "When James and I—well, okay, whenever—we never really cuddled, you know? I don't think he liked t-touching me, all that much. I mean, the only times we ever really laid together were, umm, well..." I gripped at my hands until Alexander pulled them away from me. And when I tried to open my mouth to speak, nothing came out but a soft gasp.

"Thomas?"

"The only times we ever really cuddled were after he...well, fucked me. And you know I don't like saying that word! But I mean, it's the only thing I can think of, you know? It's the only term that fits. There wasn't love. There wasn't any feeling besides malice, really. The need for control. It wasn't—I don't—I—"

"Hey, Thomas, it's okay," he whispered, bringing my hands to his mouth and softly pressing his lips against my knuckles. "If this is too much, you don't have to talk about it. I understand, baby."

But I had to. I had to get it out because it would eat me up inside if I didn't.

"I think he used to like, play this game, right?" Oh, how I could feel the strings within me unraveling. But I pushed myself through. "I think he tried to...to see just how far he could go, how much he could hurt me, before I had to beg him to stop." Darkness encroached upon the corners of my vision as I struggled to breathe. "He wanted to hurt me. He enjoyed hurting me. Isn't that—I just—" I pulled my hands away from him, only to hide my face. To hide my shame.

"Thomas," Alexander whispered softly, drifting closer. "It's okay. He's gone, and I'm here. You have nothing to worry about, okay?" He took my hands again, setting them against his chest. "I'm here."

I nodded, pressing myself closer to him in an attempt to soak up even more of his warmth. "Right, sorry, um..." I laughed, even though there was nothing really to laugh about. "Okay, well, that was never really the part that hurt most. It was terrible! It really was! And I'm not saying it wasn't—I can't really describe—" I cut myself off, took a deep breath, and started again, all too aware of his eyes bearing down on me. "The only times he ever showed that there may have been any love for me at all was after he was done, and maybe that's what hurt the most. Because, for the most part, I could close my eyes, and I could pretend that he wasn't there, and that I was somewhere safe with somebody who genuinely l-loved me."

I took a deep breath, just as the sobs climbed higher and higher. I blinked the tears from my eyes and offered Alexander a soft smile that didn't quite feel as genuine as I meant it to be. And before he could say or do anything, I dropped my gaze to my hands, fingers still intertwined with his, and forced myself to keep breathing, to keep staying alive and to stay in the present where the sunlight danced unfiltered, rather than return to the past where there was nothing but that unending darkness creeping in upon every corner.

But the memory of it all was so poignant, so real. I could practically smell James's cologne, sticking to my skin as we laid there. I could still feel the phantom chill of his touch, of his fingers as he kept me in place. And the moonlight, though so close, was forever out of reach.

"Thomas?"

"I tried, so hard," I whispered, for any louder and I knew I would have broken into those tiny pieces before him. "I tried so, so hard to let my mind drift away whenever I found myself there. But um...he would," I paused, laughing slightly in a pointless attempt to justify the pain. "He would p—he would pinch me."

Against me, Alexander stiffened. His touch grew cold.

"I—that's what...that's what hurt the most. Thinking that maybe in another life, I could be loved by somebody. Thinking, for just the briefest moment, that I deserved it. And then, to feel him hurt me again and again even after he had already taken so much, just because he could and because he could hear me crying, it just—He pinched me until he heard me gasp, and he pinched me until he heard me cry, and I had nowhere to go. It's stupid, right? After he kept...touching me and beating me, to be focused on the pinching. But I can't—it just—"

Trembling, I gasped, though the air that came in had been spoiled and poisoned by the words that filled it. The tears rolled down my face, unbidden, unwanted. Alexander slid forwards, reaching for my face.

"Oh, Thomas—"

"But, I...I look at you, not—not even a f-few months later...and you're drawing hearts into my thigh." I laughed between the sobs that gripped my body, that threw the planet entirely out of orbit. They tore themselves from my mouth and made themselves known. "It's just...I just...I'm so lucky, Alexander, to—to have you. And truthfully, I know that we probably won't last forever, and that someday this might no longer exist, and all I'll have is the memory of you, but I swear to God, I will never be able to forget you, and all that you've done, and all that you mean to me."

It was one of those breaks that racks your entire body. That has you laughing and sobbing at the same time. That washes away all logic and sense and instills that violent, urgent need to spill your emotions out into the open sky.

"I love you, Alexander, and I don't know if I say it enough or not, but you are the future that I want. You are the dream I've had for four years plagued by one long nightmare. You are the person I want to spend the rest of time with, and I know that such a small, stupid action probably doesn't mean as much to you as it does to me but I never—I—you've changed my world, o-okay? You make me so...so free. And I hope you never forget how mu—how much that m-means to me."

I slid my hands to cover my face and I sobbed, and I sobbed until there was nothing left within me. And Alexander pulled me closer almost immediately, his arms holding me tight, clutching me like I was all that would ever matter. He never let go, not once, as I shook against him. His soul reached forwards, wrapping around mine, and they bled into one.

"Thomas," he whispered softly, voice choked by the same tears that had unleashed themselves upon me. "I don't...I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything," I returned. "Just kiss me." And, as an afterthought, I added, "Please."

He kissed me softly, tugging me as close as he could. He cupped my face in his hands, allowing himself better access, and he kissed me. Long and soft and sweet and slow. There was nothing missing, no yearning absence in his delightful kiss. There was simply a universe full of Alexander, and a heart that would forever beat in time with it. I lost myself to the gentle pleading of his kiss as his lips matched mine, tasting and prying and pouring his love into the softest expression he knew how.

"I love you," he whispered when he broke away. His voice was filled with so much desperation, as though he needed me to understand the truth behind every last syllable arching through his carefully constructed prose. "I will always love you. And it is horrible, what happened to you, Thomas. And I would be happy to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, showing you the world and the life you've always deserved." 

He kissed my cheek. And with each sentence he spoke, he kissed my face, my neck, wherever he could get, really. "I love your face. I laugh your laugh. I love your voice and I love your song. I love the way your eyes light up with utter delight upon talking about some book or math thing that you care about. I love that adorable little expression you get upon seeing an animal you have to have, so childlike and carefree. I love your violin music, so freeing and elegiac and beautiful. I love your kindness and your intelligence and your ability to embrace the world with wide, open arms, even after all the shit you've been put through. I love you, Thomas, and no matter what happens, I will never stop loving you. You have made my life worth living. You have given me reason to smile. You are the starlight that lights up my world. And for that, I will forever be grateful."

He tucked his chin atop my head, pulling me against his chest so I could listen to the wonderful staccato of his heart. His hands wrapped around my waist, clutching me close, his legs intertwining with mine. I could lose myself, right here and right now, to his all-encompassing light. He completed me, an extension of my soul bleeding into an uncertain future. And I surrendered myself to him, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable in ways I had never been for another person before. I trusted him with my fragile heart and my flighty soul, trusted him enough not to break me as I had been before.

"I don't deserve you, Alexander," I whispered, clutching onto him, dependent on him for the warmth that spilled into my bones. "I never have. You are so...you are so perfect, and I'm terrified I'n going to destroy you."

"You know that isn't true."

"I know, I know. But still... I'm so sorry, I—"

"Thomas."

"Why do you love me?" I asked, my gaze drifting upwards to meet his. "I mean, you could have literally anybody in the world if you wanted, so why would you choose me?"

It was such a stupid question. Borne out of insecurity and over-reliance and an inability to find confidence in myself. I regretted the words the second they spilled out of my mouth, poisoning the air with their thick fog that muffled all of my senses. I shook my head in silent apology and pressed my body against his chest once more.

But instead of allowing me to find comfort in his grip, Alexander moved away from me slightly and took my hand in his. He allowed the silence to linger for a bit longer than I would have liked, watching me carefully. And when he finally spoke, his words were barely above a whisper. "Why are we here?"

That caught me off-guard. "Wha-what do you mean?"

His voice rose to its normal volume. "Like, why are human beings here? On Earth?"

"Well, Earth has all the proper requirements that living organisms need. Good atmosphere, breathable air, drinkable water, the right distance from the sun."

"Yeah, but why?"

"I just explained why."

"No, you explained how. But not why. Why are we here? Our lives are minuscule, unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Nothing human beings do as a species will ever amount to anything. The only things we change are the things we've built. So why are we here?"

"I— I don't know, Alexander. I guess we just are."

"That answer is very similar to mine when someone asks me why I love you. I don't know. I just do. It could be a combination of millions of reasons, or there could be no reason at all. I just love you. And you could be right— could, let's be realistic here— when you said I could have anyone I wanted. But I don't want anyone else. I want you. And I have you. And I'm happy with you, okay?"

I blinked. And then, as if slowly understanding the punchline of a joke, I laughed softly. "I will never deserve you."

"You deserve a whole lot more."

"That's not true."

"It actually is. And it infuriates me that you cannot see what I see. Because you don't see yourself smile, Thomas. You don't see yourself laugh. You don't see that thoughtful peace that passes over you when you're humming." He pulled me closer. "And I guarantee that if you did, you would know exactly how much you deserved."

"I love you."

"Kiss?" he asked, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. What a sweet, delicate mouth. I nodded, and his lips met mine gently. I pulled him close to me, melted into the warmth of his embrace. I would have died a thousand deaths, happy, in his arms, living for nobody else.

He was mine.

At least, until my phone went off.

"I should take that," I murmured, looking at the bedside table where my phone was sitting, the soft acoustic guitar ringtone filling the room.

"Can't it wait?" he asked, sliding his arms over my shoulders.

"Alexander!"

"I'm clingy! I need your constant attention! I'm sure whoever it is can wait until later."

"I—it's James."

He stiffened immediately. "No."

"What?"

"No, you're not answering it."

I froze under the weight of his cold tone, my heart skipping a beat as I watched him. "I—what?"

"After what you just talked about? After you told me just how fucking horrible he is?" Alexander slid forwards, taking my hands in his. "You can't answer it, baby. I don't want to see you get hurt again."

"He wouldn't call me unless it was important—"

"I thought you wanted to leave him behind?" Alexander pressed, pulling me closer, pulling my attention away from the ringing phone. His eyes softened, lulling me in to the promised safety of his arms. "I thought you were ready to move on?"

"I am! But still—I—"

"Don't answer it, Thomas. It's only gonna end up with you getting hurt. Can I kiss you?"

"Whether that's true or not, Alexander...look, I trust you, and I love you more than anything. And I know you're only looking out for me, but..." I took a deep breath, my body tensing as I gazed at the blanket between us. "It's not your decision to make. It's mine. And if something happened..." I shrugged, gazing at my hands. "I couldn't live with myself."

"It's not your responsibility, Thomas. You know he's trying to manipulate you, right? He's only trying to make you feel sympathy for him and he's—"

"Of course, I know, Alexander. But I need you to trust me, okay? Please, just trust that I know what I'm doing?"

He softened, a small laugh falling from his lips. "Of course I trust you. Just...just be careful?"

I smiled, cupping his face. "Just stay with me for a moment, see what he needs?"

Alexander softened, wrapping his arms around me. "Of course. I'm not going anywhere."

I sighed, and retrieved the phone as it began to ring for the second time. How desperate, the guitar sounded. How utterly despairing. I had set it as something too recognizable, loud enough to never be ignored. Just so I would never get yelled at for yet another thing. But now, instead of the fear and the adrenaline that spiked through me, all I felt was an all too familiar numbness.

"Hey, wh-what's up?" I asked after I answered the call.

Really?

That's how you answer the phone?

There was a stretch of silence for a second. "I really have to talk to you," James finally said, his voice slightly hoarse. I stiffened immediately.

I don't know how I knew, but I knew.

"Hold on a second, okay?" I set down the phone and turned to Alexander. "Can you let me handle this? Alone?"

Oh, Alexander. My perfect, radiant Alexander. After all I do to him, after all the promises I make, and I simply cannot seem to stop hurting him. To stop pushing him away when all I want to do is to fall into his arms and let him protect me from the world outside. He is far too good for me. And he always will be.

"Why? What's happ—"

"Please?!"

Alexander's eyes widened and he stood up. "Yeah... yeah. I'll be right outside if you need me, okay?"

"Thank you." As soon as he left, I returned to the call. "What's wrong? What happened? Hold on. I'm switching it over to Facetime."

"Thom—" he began, but his words were cut off as I ended the phone call and did exactly what I had told him I was going to do.

"There," I said as he and his surroundings filled the phone screen. "What happened?"

"I called to— Is that your room?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah."

"Sorry. It's just the... the stars are gone?" His voice sounded upset.

I couldn't suppress my slight chuckle as I glanced at the plain cream colored walls. They used to be a dark navy blue with white spots symbolizing the night sky. We had tried to get them as accurate as possible.

I was (am) a total nerd, okay?

"Well, anyway," James said, his gaze dropping to his hands. "I called to say goodbye."

I felt my blood turn to ice. "G-goodbye? What do you mean, goodbye?"

"I don't think I can take this much longer."

Something within me crashed, shattered amongst the ground.

So Alexander had been right then.

"James—"

He looked so tired. Tired in a way I had never seen him before. This was neither of the two James I had known, and I feared this one much, much more.

"I'm so sorry. I'm such a fucking coward, alright? I can't deal with the repercussions from my own fucking actions so I want to just give everything up. Meanwhile, you're still staying strong, even after everything I put you through. I'm going to go ahead and make the assumption that you told your family about what I've done?"

"Well, yes—"

"Figures. I got a call from my mother last night telling me how disgusted she was in me and how she would refuse to call me her son ever again. I don't blame her at all, but it still hurts. Now I guess I know how you feel. Having someone who matters more than anything to you suddenly tell you that you're worthless and don't deserve to live." He was holding his head in his left hand now, staring ahead of him as if I wasn't there. "I really should just give up. What's stopping me at this point?"

"No!" I exclaimed, before I could stop myself. Before I could withhold the barricade and allow myself to make an actual judgement before plunging into the unknown blind and hopeless.

"What?" he asked.

"I—please—you can't!"

"Why not? You said it yourself. You said you hated me."

"I never said I hated you—"

"You said you think I'm a monster. You said you wanted me to suffer. You said that I meant nothing to you. So, which is it Thomas? Stop lying to me. Stop telling me the things you know I want to hear. Do you care about me or not?"

"I don't hate you. I hate the things you've done and the things you've become, but I don't hate you."

James uttered a low, sad laugh. "Guilt tripping, now, aren't we? You've always been particularly good at that. I'm almost convinced that this is all some elaborate revenge scheme. You aren't forgiving me because you're a good person. You're forgiving me because you know that's what's going to hurt me the most, right? You're forgiving me because you know the guilt will eat me alive. And right when I think everything's better, you snap and let me know how little I mean to you. Well, congratulations to you, Thomas Jefferson. It worked."

I flinched, sliding backwards, even though he couldn't touch me. Even though it was just his voice and just his face, it all consumed me. And just when I thought I was finally free, in the walls of my childhood that had formed protection around my heart, and he could still touch me even here. It wasn't fair, not after I had worked so hard to move on, to strengthen myself, to become somebody worth being loved. It had taken him mere seconds to come blazing back in and destroying all the newly planted flowers before they could ever bloom.

"James—" I tried, but I couldn't continue. All the words in the world would never have been able to help me now. It was as though all my strength had completely dissipated, cleared by a blazing sun. "James, please—"

"What, Thomas? What the fuck are you trying to get out of all of this, huh? You wanna keep me around just so you can torture me with all that—"

"What do you want from me?" I exclaimed. Everything came loose all at once, the pain that had been building up inside of me brick by brick. The palace came crumbling down, the walls shattering amongst the overgrown forest floor in which we had been tucked away, so completely removed from all those who could hear and all those who could help. He had locked me away in that tower deep within those darkened woods, and even after I had escaped him, I had never truly escaped that tower. Perhaps he still had a hold on me. But all I know is that it all came crumbling down.

"You can't keep walking back into my life." Each word tore my throat open like pieces of shattered glass, burning as they escaped and poisoned the air that had been so sweet only a few minutes ago. "You can't keep coming back and destroying me after I've spent so long trying to build myself back up. You did this. You are responsible."

I drew in a shuttering breath as he stiffened, his jaw locking in that way that always used to terrify me. But he was worlds away, trapped between the concrete and the walls of a city that holds no love for anyone, and I was freed underneath the stars and amongst the fields of a world that was and forever will be entirely my own. There was nothing he could do to hurt me.

"How many times do I have to ask you to leave me alone before you listen?"

He did not respond, his eyes unreadable, his face as cold as stone left behind in the caves of the past. My fingers shook, but I did not allow myself to stop. I couldn't, not now, not ever.

"You don't understand, James. But we're done. I never want to look at you again. You made me hate myself. You tore me away from everything I have ever loved. And in the process, you destroyed not only me, but yourself too. I hope you're happy. Truly, I really do. But that's it. There's nothing more."

"Wow," he whispered.

"Look, I want you to move on. I want you to be happy. But I cannot exist with you in my life anymore. You have ruined me, in all the worst ways. And if you ever try to talk to me again, if you ever try to worm your way back into my heart, I will tell the police about what you did to me."

An empty threat, and he knew it. He'd be stupid not too. But it wasn't a promise for him, it was a promise for me. A promise that I would no longer sit and take whatever he had to throw at me. And so, when he gazed at me one final time, with that look of incomprehensible detestation in his eyes, I swallowed, and I steeled myself, and I told the arguing voices in my head that this was it, and that I would no longer be looking back.

"You're not going to hold yourself to that, you know," he said. "You'll change your mind by tomorrow, I guarantee it."

"You're probably right, but today, I won't let you use me again."

James blinked. "Fine. Goodbye, Thomas."

"James, I—"

The call ended.

Silence filled the room.

My heart plummeted through my chest, cracking along the pavement that greeted it at the bottom of such a long descent. I glared at my fingers through tear-soaked eyes, talking myself down from the panic that threatened to overwhelm me, along with the desire to call him back.

His words still resounded through me, so rooted in the distant past yet words I had replayed in my head every single night since the moment he had uttered them.

I will kill myself if you ever leave me, he had once begged, clutching onto my arms and letting his fingernails dig into the vulnerable flesh of my wrists.

Oh God oh God oh God what have I done what did I do what the hell is wrong with me?!

Because whether I liked it or not, I'd never stop caring about him.

And so, quickly, I texted Aaron. The only person who would understand, the only person rational enough who loved me enough to fulfill the request that burned through my mind. I needed him to satisfy the fear that clawed at my heart, tearing into the delicate fabric over and over again.

Finally, after much convincing and explanation that hardly seemed good enough, Aaron begrudgingly conceded, offered his newly traditional "I-love-you", and promised me he would make sure that in the end, James was okay.

And perhaps all I could do was to stop worrying about it.

So, shaking, I set down my phone and checked my face in the mirror of my bathroom, ensuring that all the tears had been dried away and that the fear had subsided. Satisfied with the way I looked, as well as the stark lack of makeup, considering the bruises and cuts had long since faded, I took a deep breath, splashed water in my face, and gave my reflection a halting smile.

I did not look like who I had originally been, when this all started. But the person in front of me, smiling back, had been by my side through it all.

I ran my fingers through my hair and retreated for the door.

"Alexan— aaand you're not here," I said when I opened the door and saw the hallway empty. I frowned and followed the sound of laughter downstairs to the living room. I walked in on my mother, my siblings, and my boyfriend circled around a bunch of pictures that were scattered around on the floor.

I watched him, collapsed into a pile at the foot of the couch, laughing so hard. I watched him, wondering if it would be a better idea to fade into the shadows and to simply observe him from afar, so that his face would never change, and I could not ruin him again.

But he gazed up at me, and his smile only widened, the light in his eyes sparking with desire and love. "Hey, Thomas!"

Jane, at his side, glanced up from the book she had been puzzling over. And, I let my eyes sweep over the room, to see what each of my other siblings, and of course my mother, were looking over. Books. The same kind of book.

My heart sank in my chest.

"Oh! Thomas! Congratulations for winning your science fair, love!" Alexander crowed, lifting up one of the scrapbooks.

"Oh, God," I said, pulling at my hair. "That was fifth grade. Tell me you aren't looking at fifth grade me."

"I am looking at fifth grade you. Look at how cute you were!" Alexander laughed. "Don't worry, I've already taken, like, a thousand pictures."

"What else have you seen?"

Alexander looked up at me and smirked. "You were such a cute baby."

"Oh, God." I shook my head. "I'll leave you guys to it. No interest in being apart of this."

"No!" Alexander exclaimed as Mary and Elizabeth laughed simultaneously. He stuck out his arm, calling me over, pleading for me to sit next to him, and how could I ignore that spot? I fell into his arms once more and promised myself that this time, I would never leave. He kissed my neck softly and flipped back through the scrapbook a few pages. "This one's my favorite, so far?"

"Yeah?" I said, glancing down at the picture he was pointing at. "My first violin concert?"

"Speaking of which, would you mind playing for me again some time today?" Though serious before, he grinned, shrugging his shoulders. "Maybe the Star Spangled Banner, or something. You know it's the birthday of our wonderful country, after all..."

I only managed to suppress my laugh just long enough to say, "Is it the fourth?"

He nodded, wrapping an arm around me, and returning to the scrapbook. And although I hated looking at all the pictures, there was no better place than his arms.

~•~

The sun had finally set, relinquishing its fiery grip on the world, and a calming coolness filled the otherwise still night air. I glanced over at Alexander, laughing as he tried to keep up with me.

"How much further?"

"Just a little bit, promise!"

"This better be worth it," he exclaimed, though his tone indicated he was far from upset. Perhaps this was heaven for him, just as much as it was for me.

"Oh, trust me," I hummed happily, squeezing his hand. "It will be!"

Alexander raised an eyebrow, and I clutched his hand closer, squeezing it tight. He squeezed back, our own secret language lost to any outside observers, and I relished it. I relished his touch just as I relished his presence, and being lucky enough to exist alongside it.

"Okay," I said, as we crested the top of the hill. "Are you ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be, I think."

"Okay," I said, unable to contain my excitement. I pulled him closer, tossing my head back as I gazed up at the sky. "Look up."

He complied.

"Oh. Woah."

"Gorgeous, right?"

"Thomas," he breathed, gazing up at the dark blue sky dotted by the thousands of tiny, glowing islands. He spun, his eyes widening as he took them all in, as he basked in their light. "It's...just...wow." He laughed lightly, grinning up at me.

"You can hardly see them in New York. I think they're what I've missed most of all."

"I can see why."

Each star, a different world with a million different lives and a million different stories, beat over head, singing their sweet star song. They were breathtaking, eternal, gleaming without cause and without care. They burned in the vast blue sea, never to bend or to be conquered by the simple whims of men. And forever there they would stay, their meaning etched into the sky until they burned in brilliant supernovas and consumed the darkness.

Alexander grinned. "I haven't seen stars like this in years."

"Look! You can see Pegasus, and Andromeda! And that's Cygnus, right there! And you see that band? That's the Milky Way."

"No way," he returned, as I laid out the white and red checkered picnic blanket and set the basket on top, digging out the food and arranging it the exact same pattern I had seen in all of my dreams. He grinned as he watched me, falling to the ground just as I did. "Um, you look...uh, you look beautiful, by the way."

I smiled sheepishly, folding the ruffles of the dark blue dress emboldened with the tiny white patterns, much like the sky above us. "Thank you. It's, um, it's not too much?"

"No! Not at all! You should wear dresses more often."

I smiled, tucking my head against him. "Oh, hey. I have something to tell you."

"What?" he returned, playing with the folds of the blue dress.

"My boyfriend's better than your boyfriend."

He blinked. Then, he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, shut up," he said, reaching for a plate of the fettuccine alfredo I had prepared, because nothing is more American than Italian food. "That's a lie, and you know it."

"Hmm."

"When are the fireworks going off?" he demanded after a minute. "This is really good, by the way."

"Any minute, honey. Be patient."

He smiled. "I like that. Honey."

"Yeah?"

"It's sweet."

"Well, you're sweet. And amazing. And you deserve nothing but love, so love you shall have." I leaned over and kissed him softly. Alexander grinned into the kiss, setting down his plate and wrapping his hands around my body, just to tug me closer.

And when I broke away, I saw the stars, gleaming in his eyes.

"Tomorrow, we should stop by Monticello," I decided. "And we can go to other historic places if you wanted."

"Sounds amazing," he returned, his eyes on me.

"Yeah! And maybe I'll take you by my old school, and maybe I'll introduce you to some of my old friends."

"I don't know, Thomas," he returned, suddenly grumpy. "If they're anything like Adams—"

"Oh, you love John."

"I do not. I would sell him to Satan for a slice of cake."

"Okay, but what kind of cake are we talking? Like a cheesecake? Because if so, I completely understand and honestly, I would too—"

"I was thinking more like carrot cake."

I gasped.

"That's stale."

"Wow. No love lost over here, huh?"

Alexander laughed, pulling me close and kissing me again. His gaze fell to the dress, burning away the last of my doubt, the very last of whatever worries filled my head. How could they not melt under the beaming light of his love? "God, sorry. But you do look quite gorgeous."

I went to respond, but he cut me off before I could.

"Oh, look!" Alexander exclaimed, pointing up at the sky. There was the sound of a sharp crack followed by a loud explosion, and suddenly, the sky was illuminated in a dark pink glow.

I beamed in joy and watched as the next few fireworks were set off. Then, I looked up at Alexander, his face illuminated in the glow of a blue one for a quick second.

I sat up and wrapped my hands up in the collar of his shirt, pulling his mouth to mine.

Alexander moaned softly, sliding his arms around my waist and pulling me closer. He kissed me like there was nothing else in the world, his lips parting mine with a soft hesitation that made me want him all the more. I shifted, facing towards him, legs slightly spread so he could get closer. He kept one hand wrapped around my waist, but the other he slowly slid up my leg, dipping under the fabric of the dress until reaching my thigh. Warmth pooled through my stomach as he gripped me tight, as his kiss turned desperate, needy.

And perhaps, there had been another reason why I brought him so far out here, so distant from the outside world. From intruders, from all those who would attempt to take this away from us.

Alexander pressed me back, laying me against the blanket. His lips wandered down, finding my neck. I could not stifle the moan that escaped my lips, just at the sweetness of his touch, at the way he untangled the delicate spots begging for his touch. Fireworks exploded overhead, in time with us and our beating hearts.

I pushed him away.

"Oh, sorry, love. Did I go too—"

"I, uh, I brought a..." I trailed off, embarrassment burning in my face. "I brought a condom. If you wanted...if you don't mind...I—"

"Oh," Alexander said, dumbly. Then, his eyes widened as understanding overtook him. "Oh. I—Thomas—I...are you sure?! I don't want to pressure you! We don't have to go that far, baby, if you don't want to—"

"I do!" I exclaimed, gripping onto his shirt before he could leave, before his touch could escape and leave me cold. "Please, I do. Really! I want to try. For you and for me and for us. Unless you don't want to! Which is totally okay, too—"

"No," he said, firmly. "I do." A small smile overtook his face as he kissed me again, pressing me back down into the blanket. "Believe me, love, I do. More than anything else in the world." He kissed my neck softly, his fingers running up my thighs with a delicate adoration. "Stay right here for me, will you? I'll be right back."

He was soft.

He was slow.

He was gentle.

And he loved me, and I loved him, and throughout the entire time, he didn't stop reminding me how much he loved me, how proud of me he was, how far he would go just to see me happy and loved. The entire time, Alexander listened. He paused when I asked him too, gave me room to breathe and strength to draw upon. He gave me time and patience, and when I was ready again, he continued giving love. That was the thing about my sweet, perfect Alexander, for he gave, just as much as he took, his touch warm and conceding and perfect, like much needed relief after years of something quite unbearable. He promised me the earth and the moon and the stars, whispering in my ear like the breeze and biting softly against my skin, in all the ways he knew I adored. He had me gasping in delight and burning for his touch. He was everything, and with the way he worshipped me underneath the starlight and the fireworks bellowing out our destiny, he made me feel like I was everything too.

It was perfect. And for once, there was nowhere else I needed to be, nobody else I needed to be with. And when I finally finished, his name came dribbling down my lips like honeyed wine, intoxicating but deliciously so. It didn't take him much longer afterwards as I begged, as I told him how much I wanted him, how I needed to spend the rest of my future with him. How I loved him, how I'd always loved him, and how I'll never stop loving him.

And long afterwards, we lay there together, him pulling me close and laughing and telling me how much he loved me.

And I felt safe.

This entire time, I had thought it had been Virginia that had freed me. I had thought it had been the starlight and the open fields and the absence of the city wearing me down. I had thought I had been set loose by the aimless clouds and the refuge I had known all my life.

But I had been wrong.

Because with Alexander, I was home.

He had been the one to give this broken bird back its wings.