//TW: small mention of abuse and rape\\

Thomas

"You alright?"

The voice jolted me from my thoughts, and reality around me sharpened, emerging from the undefined blur it had been moments before. I blinked as my mind came back to my body, returned from its harrowing journey millions of miles lost wandering the space between galaxies. The book in my hands became solid once more, no longer a hazy concept of a story.

"Of course!" I said with a smile as I glanced over my shoulder at Aaron, his body silhouetted by the light pouring in through the massive arched windows set into the marble walls. I gave one last look to the book between my hands before returning it to its spot on the shelf as Aaron stepped to my side, as if looking for the gateway to whatever separate world I had just been immersed in. "Why do you ask?"

Aaron shrugged. A small, teasing smile flicked upon his face as he added, "I didn't hear you running around the shelves or mumbling inanely to yourself about whatever book you were going to borrow next, so I just assumed—"

"Alright, alright," I shot back, returning my attention back to the thousands of books housed upon the library's shelves. Thousands of books, thousands of stories. Each one telling the tale of a survivor, like me. Somebody who had faced living nightmares, and against all odds, made it through again and again and triumphed over all evil. Their names were eternally memorialized in ink and paper, to be stored in catalogues and upon the shelves of one of the greatest libraries in the world.

I glanced around the quiet library, at the rain-streaked glass panes allowing gray light to dance upon the wooden floor. At the fellow book-lovers milling through the shelves, searching for the next adventure to be swept up in. At the sweeping staircases and elegant furnishings, each element adding to the belief that this library is not as real as it is a memoir torn straight from my dreams and juxtaposed into reality, into a city that will never fully appreciate its historic beauty. At the face of one of my closest friends watching me with worry, a friend that I thought I had lost before, a friend whom I'd never thought would ever do this with me again.

It is moments like these that make me believe that it was all worth it.

Because before, I could never appreciate the small things. I could never appreciate a library for what it was, each individual story for the lives they unraveled within them. Sure, I had loved to read, and I had loved coming here, but it had never been the way it is now. It had never been an escape. Before James, I had lived moment to moment, always excited for the future and ready to leave behind the present.

But now?

Now, I am happy to enjoy each moment as I get them. I am happy to smile and to breathe and to live, things that I had always taken for granted before. But now, I will cherish every last second I get alive. Because you never know when everything will change.

"Well, what books do you have?" Aaron whispered, glancing at the books I clutched close to my chest as I left the alcove between the shelves and stepped into onto the main floor of the level we were on. I laid the four books flat out on a nearby table for him to look over. He snorted in amusement, glancing up at me with love and bewilderment. "A Darker Shade of Magic? The Night Circus? An Unkindness of Ghosts?" He shook his head. "You know you have two weeks to read all four of these right?"

"Honestly, I'd be surprised if it took me that long," I returned in a voice at an equal whisper.

Aaron picked up the fourth and biggest of the books, The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe. "This is a tome, Thomas."

"Yeah. That one might take the longest," I conceded.

"You're unbelievable," Aaron said, shaking his head. "How are you going to read all of these in two weeks? Doesn't Alexander drag you to like a million outings every day?"

I shrugged, picking up the four books and pressing the stack against my chest once more. They felt right, beating against my heart. Like I could absorb all their words and let them bleed into my soul. God knows I needed their strength, especially as the thought of Alexander tipped over the delicate scales in my heart. "He's been so busy, lately. Washington's got him in his office pretty much all day." I forced that easy nonchalance, doing my best to ignore the painful stab of unease that pierced through my traitorous heart. I should be happy for Alexander. I told myself I would be happy for Alexander. He deserves nothing but my encouragement.

I am not being fair.

Aaron softened. "Oh. I didn't know, I'm sorry—"

"It's okay!" I recovered quickly, plastering on one of the easy smiles I prided myself for. God forbid anybody think I am clingy, or dependent, or needy. Alexander has every right in the world to do what he wants, and I should be supportive and sweet and acquiescing through it all.

I am the good boyfriend. I am the easy-going boyfriend. I am the boyfriend who will give you all the time in the world and never ask for anything in return because that's what has kept me alive, so far.

"It gives me time to get my chores done, and my reading!"

"Chores?"

"Well, somebody's gotta make sure the house doesn't get overrun with bugs."

"And that falls on you?"

"Alexander helps," I said, rising to defend him. "But he's busy and when I'm not doing my violin lessons, I have nothing else going on, so I might as well."

The unease in Aaron's eyes didn't let up. But he smiled regardlessly, and I couldn't express my gratitude at that small allowance, that simple realization that I needed space to figure this out on my own. Reasons like that are exactly why he's my best friend in the world.

"What book do you have?" I asked, nodding to the story housed between two cream colored covers in his hands. He showed me with a wide smile; I read over the title, feeling all the joy evaporate from my body at once. When he lowered it, I shot him a quizzical glance.

"What?"

"John Marshall's Defense of McCullough vs Maryland?" I asked.

"Yes!" he exclaimed. "It's one of the most important court cases in our history! It established the power that the federal government has over the states and basically allowed the elastic clause—"

"Lawyers," I said, shaking my head. "Do you and Alexander read court cases and then talk about them with each other? Is it like your nerd book club or something?"

"No!" He paused. "Sometimes! And hey, I don't need this from the guy who plans to read all 1,000 pages of Edgar Allan Poe's works in a couple days!"

I grinned. "I love you."

Aaron paused, blinking at me. "Uh...I love you too?"

"Now come on, before you get us kicked out for good." I led him to the checkout desk, smiling all the way.

Smiling, for the life I had gotten back despite it all.

~•~

Alexander did not look up as I entered our apartment, Aaron dragging me along by the arm. I stopped in the middle of the doorway, watching him and all his friends as they laughed, my composure fracturing for a second.

They don't hate you, whispered the voice in my head, the lighter, more gentle voice that always reminded me to love myself. Even when I didn't think I deserved it. Even when I only saw the bad. The voice reminded me to love myself, because everybody, no matter how evil or violent or cruel, deserves to be loved. You are not ruining anything just by being here. They don't hate you. You just need sleep.

Coincidentally, the voice also loved John Mulaney. But who didn't?

"Hey, Thomas!" Angelica exclaimed. "Did you get anything I recommended?"

"No, Angelica. I didn't." I spoke quietly, my words hardly carrying any weight. Certainly not enough to be heard over the din and the conversation of the others, and certainly not enough to pull Alexander from his studies as he hunched over the coffee table. And yet, for whatever, selfish reason, I couldn't help the pang in my heart as his work consumed his attention.

Stop being clingy. Stop being clingy. Stop being clingy.

She frowned. "Why not?"

"Because your taste in books is trash, and I'm not reading faerie smut again. Thanks for that by the way. If only I could actually bleach my eyes," I said. It came out rougher than I intended. I relented, took a step back, a wordless apology. "That's not fair. I looked for Tempest and Slaughter but I couldn't find it."

Angelica laughed, shaking her head as she gestured for me to sit. "Don't worry about it. I also think your taste in books is trash."

"I'm not taking this from somebody who barely read Jane Eyre. You know, for a feminist—"

"Yeah, see the funny thing about that is that Jane Eyre actually sucked. Jane was a spineless idiot who let others take advantage of her. She was stupid enough to go back to her abusive lover even after he threatened to rape her." A pause, and Angelica blanched, as if remembering an unspoken rule agreed upon by everyone except me. "Okay, wait. I'm so sorry. That came out a bit meaner than I intended, I—"

"It's okay," I said, wincing as the room had gone silent. I burned under the weight of all those eyes, resting on me, waiting for me to make a movement, ready for me to say something. I allowed a smile, an easy-going shrug. "No, really. I get it. It's cool."

And though the words ate me up inside, I refused to acknowledge them, I refused to feed them any more light. I stepped through the room until I found the couch, where Alexander was working diligently, thoroughly invested in the heaps of paper sitting in his lap. He did not look at me, did not yield from his work. The scratch of his pen against the paper filled the air, and I felt for a moment as though I was...well, I suppose it would be unfair to say second best.

I watched for a moment, my heart skipping a beat at the determined press of his lips, before prying my eyes away and forcing myself to return my attention on the others. I could not help myself. Even while thoroughly invested in his work, he is the prettiest person in the world.

"Hey, Thomas!" John exclaimed as he saw me, his smile widening. I relaxed, unable to express my relief that somebody was truly happy to see me. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good!" I smiled, watching him and his new situation, and utterly unable to keep the amusement from my voice as I added, "I assume you're doing well too?"

He laughed, a rich laugh, a full laugh, and he tossed his head back as the sound poured out, and it felt good just to see him happy and know that I somewhat had a hand in creating that happiness.

Needless to say, John seemed to be a lot happier than the last time I saw him. Maybe the fact he was sprawled across Lafayette's lap and Hercules was playing with his hair had something to do with it.

"So, Thomas," Angelica began as a lull in the conversation increased the awkwardness by about one hundred percent. "Are you planning on doing anything over the summer?"

"Oh! Well, umm," I smiled, ran my fingers through my hair. "Uh, I was planning on going back to Virginia for a week or two—"

"Hey!" Alexander exclaimed, and the suddenness of it made me flinch. The frown that had previously consumed his face morphed into a wide, startling grin, and his eyes filled with a magnificent light. It took me a moment too long to realize that such a sight was because of me. "You're here! I was starting to get worried, love!" He frowned, giving me a once over. "You haven't been here long, have you?"

I shook my head, pressing my hands together in my lap. It was easier to look at them than to look at Alexander. "No, not at all. Just a few minutes."

"Oh, okay! Thank God. You should have said something, though." He leaned forward, kissed my cheek. Then, to my surprise and relief and delight, he packed up his work and set it aside, took me by the arm, and pulled me against him.

Oh.

Aaron caught my eye. Then, he flashed me a cheeky, knowing smile, and it was as though the ice clamping down on my heart melted, and the sunshine pooled through. I let out a breath, and allowed myself to curl up against Alexander's side. Without even missing a beat, as though the action was as involuntary as they come, he planted a kiss to my temple and pulled me closer.

"Virginia?" Maria pressed, looking up. "Is that where you're from?"

I nodded, smiling at the thought of home. Well, was it fair to call it home? I had been gone for so long.

There was silence for a second, but it was a nice, warm, fuzzy silence that wasn't awkward or oppressing.

And in the silence that drifted between the cracks, the silence that settled down upon us, I caught myself humming. I didn't even realize I was doing it, nor that the music had belonged to me, not at first. But the second I recognized my own voice, I stopped, and smiled to myself, as the others began to debate yet another point of contention: who had seen the weirdest or most exotic animal outside of a zoo. I listened with interest, once more relegating myself to the sidelines as each of them called out area and named things that were mostly meaningless to me, but seeing each of them light up and smile was more than enough to affirm that these were the people they found comfort in, this was a group you could trust.

There was no judgement here. There was no need to feel as though you did not belong.

"Well, I've seen a dead shark before," Alexander said. "In the streets."

"A dead shark?" Hercules asked, crossing his arms. "No way."

Alexander shrugged. "You'd be surprised what kind of weird things wash up after a hurricane." A small smirk crossed his face as he clutched me tighter, surveying the room. "So, dead shark, beat that."

"That's not that exotic."

"How often do you see sharks swimming around, huh, Aaron?"

"I had neighbors who raised ostriches before," I said, gazing out at the empty space.

Alexander frowned. "That sounds illegal."

"Oh, it definitely was, but I mean, it's rural Virginia. Who's going to come and take them away? The FBI?" I shrugged.

"It seems like ostriches would need a lot of space," said Eliza thoughtfully. She gave me a pointed look. "Unless they didn't have a lot of space? Because if they were kept in small quarters, that constitutes as animal abuse, and if anybody—" she began, a fire burning in her eyes.

"Well, they definitely had a lot of space!" I exclaimed with a laugh. "I mean, they lived on over eleven hundred."

"Eleven hundred isn't that much," Alexander said.

"In what world is that not that much?" Lafayette asked, tilting his head.

"That's not that much bigger than this," he returned.

"Acres, Alexander. Eleven hundred acres. Not square feet."

"Eleven hundred acres?" Alexander turned to me. "How the fuck did you used to live next to somebody who owns eleven hundred fucking acres? Was that like in the middle of your neighborhood or something?"

I laughed. "Eleven hundred actually isn't that much. I mean, my family owns about two thousand. And we don't really have neighborhoods where I'm from."

Alexander stared at me, quite blankly.

I shrugged. "You know I grew up on a ranch, right?"

"A ranch?" Angelica asked, as Hercules laughed and pointed at Alexander.

"A ranch," Alexander repeated, eyes widening.

"Yeah, you have fun with that, Alex," said Hercules. "That's exactly what you're used to."

"Hey, umm, as interested as I am in your conversation over there, I may have to interrupt," Maria cut in. "Thomas, your cat is trying to eat my shirt sleeve."

"Berlioz!" I exclaimed, aghast. I shook out of Alexander's arms, stood up from the couch, and went to retrieve the kitten. "What did we say about eating clothing, Berlioz? It's considered rude. I'm so sorry, Maria. Some people just don't know how to act." I held her up into the air, inches from my face. "What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?"

She licked my face in response.

"Trying to get yourself out of trouble with kisses, hmm? Wonder where you learned that from," I said with a pointed look cast over at Alexander, who was smiling innocently. I returned to the couch, kitten in arms, and sat down. I crossed my legs, and as Alexander reached for me again, forced myself not to writhe in his grip. It's not that I didn't adore his touch, it's not that I didn't live for the way his arms wrapped around me so completely that it made everything else fade away and seem trivial in comparison.

But, for whatever reason, I momentarily dreaded the idea of his comfort.

"So what are you gonna do in Virginia?" Lafayette asked, leaning backwards to allow the sunlight to fall across his face. "Also, if Mary gives me shit for not being there—"

"She won't."

Lafayette quirked an eyebrow, and I couldn't hide my smile for much longer. I ducked my head, running my fingers through my hair, as the small laugh trickled from my lips, something that seemed so hard earned in the recent days, though I couldn't quite justify why.

"Well, I haven't exactly planned it out yet, but I was planning on driving through just to look at all the history and everything. Bull Run, Appomattox Courthouse, all of that good stuff. Go to Monticello for a bit, maybe the summer fair that's in town. I wanted to go horseback riding too, because it's been such a long time since I've done that. Maybe a picnic one night by the river? I honestly cannot tell you the last time I've been on a picnic, or an actual, real hike. Oh! And obviously, we'll have to do the Fourth of July stuff! That's just a necessity!"

Lafayette smiled at me. "You know you're gonna end up doing chores, right?"

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Shut up."

He laughed, and something within me eased, and it became a whole lot easier to breathe. My thoughts unspooled naturally, falling into the warmth of the setting sun.

"Monticello?" Alex questioned, referring to what I had said earlier.

"Giant house about 15 minutes from where I live. Some old guy built it back in the 1700s. He's probably dead now. It's been abandoned ever since, so naturally, we explored it once, looking for ghosts, and then decided to kinda take it over and turn it into our base of operations. That's nerd-talk for clubhouse."

"Probably. He's probably dead," Lafayette said dryly. "There's hope apparently."

"Hey, you never know!"

"Yeah, he could be sitting in this room for all we know."

"Well, anyway, it's a genius piece of architecture. Very beautiful."

"Okay, the outside is fine. But the interior is the problem," Lafayette said.

"There is no problem. Monticello is the pinnacle of perfection."

"Really?" Lafayette asked, crossing his arms. "The beds built into the walls?"

"Yes."

"The staircases that are practically ladders?" Laf questioned.

"Uh huh."

"The hallway bed?"

"The hallway bed is the best part! An absolute ingenious way to cut down on wasting space!"

Alexander eased against me as a small laugh ricochetted through the room, easing the burden I had set on my own heart. He wrapped an arm around my waist, the barest, simplest touch. "A hallway bed, huh? That sounds terrible. I wish I could see it."

"You'll probably get to soon enough!" I exclaimed, leaning into his touch, allowing myself to embrace its gentle warmth. "It's been so long since I've been, so I wouldn't mind going back. It's practically abandoned, anyway. And the library—it's fantastic!"

"Oh, yeah. About that." Alexander sighed, slid backwards. "I can't go to Virginia with you, Thomas."

There was a beat.

A sad, melancholy beat. A single beat that paralleled the type that came before an imploding star, that whispered its rage-filled alibi right before the world collapsed.  A beat that rewrote the fabric of time, that rewrote the way things should be happening and the way things were supposed to fall.

And then, I laughed.

"Okay, okay. You really had me there for a moment Alexander!" I said. "But it's not funny."

"No, I'm serious. I have work to do. The stuff Professor Washington gave me? It's just too much for me to take a break. I'm sorry, Thomas, I really am. But I can't go."

"I'm sorry," I said, pushing myself away from him as he tried to lean forward to console me. "How long did you know that you wouldn't be able to come?" I almost laughed, purely at the irony of it all. "And why are you only waiting until basically the last minute to actually tell me?"

"It just—everything happened so fast. I kept meaning to. I promise. I just never had the time."

"Are you kidding me?" I asked. "I was so excited, I thought—God, I'm an idiot, aren't I? Why did you let me get my hopes up? I—" I paused, withering under the eyes. The watchful gazes. The glints of confusion and disrecognition.

Like I wasn't me.

The world pushed in.

It crushed me under its weight.

It dragged me down underneath the surface.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't think.

I could never think.

Not when it came to him—

I gasped for breath, and the weight of my words set in, and suddenly, nothing made sense the way it had a few minutes prior. "Sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean to...oh God."

"Thomas—"

I sighed and stood up. "I'm so sorry. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen."

Before Alexander could get another word in, I retreated, escaping to the kitchen before things could spiral out of control. Spiral down and down and down until nothing made sense and I was just as lost and confused as I always was. Just when I thought I was beginning to understand. Just when I thought my life had finally settled down into something loosely resembling normalcy.

I escaped to the kitchen, leaned against the counter, and forced myself to take a moment to catch my breath. Because that was all I could do. Because that was all I had. And once the world stopped swirling, once the dull ache faded again, once the shaking died away, I let myself relax.

"Have you learned nothing?" Eliza demanded from behind me, breaking the silence. "Are you really this stupid? You have to be kidding me, Alexander." She went on, but I had lost interest, so I shut her and the others out.

I pulled a bag of chocolate chips out of a cabinet and poured them into a bowl, then set the bowl in the microwave for a minute. I grabbed the strawberries from out of the fridge and set them on the table, then set the bowl on the table when it was done.

Selecting a strawberry, I swirled the fruit around in the inky black chocolate until I was satisfied with the coating. A second passed, where I considered the strawberry before me, before popping it into my mouth and relishing in the sweet, refreshing taste. A bit like Alexander's lips in the early evening, a bit like freedom and the fall of boundaries defining just who I am.

God.

I couldn't do this. Not yet. Not so soon.

"Thomas?" asked a feminine voice, and I looked up to see Maria and Lafayette standing in the doorway. "You alright?"

"What are you two doing here?" I whispered.

"I decided that maybe I should sit this one out," Maria said, her gaze falling to the floor as she joined me at the table.

"Johnny and Herc don't want me killing anyone so here I am." Lafayette joined us and looked at my dessert critically. "What is this? An attempt to be healthy?"

I shrugged.

"Are you okay?" said Maria, smiling gently. She dipped a strawberry in the chocolate and proceeded to pop it into her mouth. A grin swept over her face, and she reached for another one.

"Yeah. I'm alright. Sorry I snapped."

"It's okay, Thomas—"

"No, it's not. I'm supposed to be supportive of him and I just—" I stopped myself, and I took a deep breath. It didn't clarify anything at all.

All three of us were silent for a moment, listening to the war going down in the other room, before Lafayette spoke.

"Something's been bothering me. I have to talk to you about something and I guess this is as good a time as any. I'm sorry. For everything. This is all my fault."

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged, his eyes unfocusing as he lost
himself to the distance. "Sometimes I wonder if you would still be in this situation if I had actually stepped in and protected you the way I was supposed to."

"Do you really still blame yourself, Laf? I don't blame you. You're human. You make mistakes. You have emotions, and sometimes they get the better of you. I would have done the same thing in your place."

"No you wouldn't have! You wouldn't let your emotions cloud your sense of better judgement! You would have listened to logic and reasoning!"

"Hah!" Maria exclaimed. "Logic and reasoning? Thomas? Dude, if he was logical and reasoning, he would've left James the first time he hurt him. If Thomas was logical and reasoning, he wouldn't have forgiven James, or Alexander for that matter. If Thomas was logical and reasoning, he wouldn't have tried to commit suicide last month." She quickly turned to me. "No offense or anything, I love you. You're great."

"Oh yeah, none taken. I completely agree."

Lafayette was swirling a strawberry through the gooey chocolate, staring at it absentmindedly.

"Wanna talk to Cece?" I suggested.

Laf immediately perked up.

"I know she's your favorite of my siblings. Here, I'll call her." I retrieved my phone and called my little sister.

The phone rang twice before she finally picked up. I put the phone on speaker and set it down on the table, and it wasn't long before her voice filled the room. "Oh God. What do you want now?"

"Hey, I mean, you picked up, so...and is that anyway to talk to your favorite older brother?"

"Hi Thomas. And you're my only older brother," she responded, and I smiled at hearing her voice. I guess I didn't realize how much I missed my family.

"Yes, therefore, I am your favorite."

"Hi Lucy," said Lafayette.

"Lafayette! The older brother I've never had!"

"Ouch."

Maria laughed.

"Who's that?" Lucy asked. "Thomas! Is that your girlfriend?"

"Thomas wishes," Maria returned.

"He can't talk to girls, I don't know why I assumed he'd have a girlfriend. He's about as bright at social interactions as a cow."

"Thanks."

"So, Lucy," Laf said, smiling gently. "Have you been practicing your French?"

"Hah, nope! I've been learning Latin."

"What? Latin's a dead language! When are you ever going to use Latin in your daily life?"

"When am I ever going to use French? France is dumb." The twelve year old shot back.

Lafayette adopted a mock-ashamed expression. I felt horribly ashamed to have such a pitiful child as my sister.

"Lucy? Who are you talking to?" asked another voice. "It's time for piano practice."

I smiled, for I knew that voice. It had followed me through dreams, a careful hope I had predicated too much of myself on. My stomach twisted, just to hear that gentle lilt wash through my body, relieving me of my sins and prying me free from the bounds keeping me trapped. And although it sounded distant, and faintly distorted by the phone, I could pick that voice out of anywhere. It was a memory, hazy and distant, but all at once, I felt safe just to hear my mother's voice.

Lafayette cocked an eyebrow at me.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head.

"Well, I gotta go," Lucy said. "You're still coming to Virginia, right, Thomas?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"Mom really misses you. She won't stop talking about it. It's actually getting annoying."

"Well, I guess I'm just Mom's favorite."

"Stop saying you're Mom's favorite. You're nobody's favorite."

"Wow. Rude."

"Well, you've earned it."

"Tell Mom I said hi, will you?"

"Will do! See you next week!"

"See ya next week, Cece."

"Don't call me that, Tank Engine," she teased. Little sisters certainly know how to push buttons.

"Oh you little—" She hung up before I could finish my sentence.

I smiled and ate another chocolate strawberry. A wave of homesickness swept over me. "I can't wait to see my family again."

"How long's it been? Five years?"

"Closer to seven, actually," I returned. I opened my mouth, ready to say more, when Lafayette and Maria stopped to look at something behind me. I turned, just in time to see Alexander standing in the doorway, hugging his body.

For an uncomfortable moment, neither of us spoke.

Finally, "Are you okay, love?" he whispered.

I nodded, patting the seat next to me. "Can—I—can we talk about this?"

"I thought the screaming had died down," Maria said. "Is Eliza okay?"

"She's fine," Alexander returned as he joined me at the table, taking the chair right next to me. "I'm not sure if she yelled enough, though."

Maria shrugged. "You deserve it. Did she leave?"

"They all did."

"I'll go find her then. Thanks, Alexander."

"Why are you thanking me?"

She paused. "Good question."

Lafayette did not move. He watched Alexander for a moment, then, to my surprise, his eyes softened. "I trust you to make the right decision, Alexander, regardless of if you go or not. But please, consider putting off work for a bit? I am sure it would mean a lot to Thomas and his family." Lafayette gazed at me once more, offered me a smile of encouragement, then followed Maria out of the door.

"Well?" Alexander asked once they were gone.

"I'm sorry."

"What are you apologizing for?"

"Snapping at you. That wasn't fair."

"How long have you been upset?"

I gazed down at the table until my eyes hurt. "I am trying to be supportive, Alexander. I really am. I promise."

"Thomas—"

"I trust you, Alexander. Completely and absolutely. I know you've changed since...well, then, and you've learned from your mistakes. I want you to be happy, and if staying here and working with Professor Washington is what makes you happy, then I want you to do it!" I sighed, pushing down all those unsavory, traitorous emotions rising through me. "We'll just have to FaceTime, like, every night."

"I don't want to miss this, though," he said softly. "I want to go with you. I want to see where you came from, what your family is like. I..." His gaze softened, his smile saddened. "I don't know much about your past and I want to learn all I can."

"But I don't want you to miss work for me. You might never get this chance again. My family will always be there."

"I want to be there for you. What if something happens? What if you have to face demons you're not ready to face alone?" he asked, grabbing my hand. It was remarkably simple, how much I loved his touch. "I couldn't do that to you."

"So you want to go with me?"

"Absolutely."

"And your work?"

"I'll talk to Washington, I suppose. Maybe I can bring it with me." He smiled, and stood, offering me his hand. "Now that that's sorted, wanna go get dinner?"

I smiled. "There's a new sushi bar..."

He groaned, rolling his eyes in an overly exaggerated way that could never not melt my heart or make me feel safe. "Alright, fine. I swear you like sushi more than me."

"Well, I mean—"

"Thomas!"

~•~

Besides me, Alexander slept.

I tried not to stare at him too much, for the road blurred ahead of me, and it would only take a few seconds to absolutely total the rental car, but it was strange. To see him here, juxtaposed with the countryside we drove past. A perfect, beautiful piece of the future I had always dreamed of, and the forests and hills of the place my mind kept wandering back to in every dream, every memory.

Even with Alexander sleeping, I did not drive in silence. I've never been able to. So, I let the music drone softly in the background as the headlights swarmed through the darkness, revealing the hidden countryside. And I listened to the world outside, as well. To the soft chirping of the crickets, to the distant birdsong, to the sound of the wheels grinding against the pavement.

It wasn't long before the streets grew familiar, a path I had traced millions of times before. I guided the steering wheel senselessly, letting the subconscious do all the work as it took me home.

And soon, I turned onto the long, sprawling dirt road, past the gates marked with the familiar, looping J, and through the rolling hills.

"Alexander," I whispered softly as I parked. "Alexander."

"Hmm?" he groaned drowsily as I prodded him. "Wha's goin' on?"

"We're here." It was a miracle I did not burst with excitement. It was a miracle it did not dribble straight out of my mouth. It was a miracle I did not float away into the open, star-filled sky.

"We are?" he exclaimed, shooting up. He searched out the window, his eyes widening as he beheld the house. "Damn. It's a lot bigger than I thought it would be."

I nodded, unable to tie down my grin, and slid out of the car. He followed suit, going around back to retrieve Dick and Berlioz from the backseat.

Of course they had come with us. They were apart of my family, too, after all.

"You excited?" Alexander whispered as I popped the trunk.

"I can hardly breathe," I admitted, laughing lightly. "I can't wait for you to meet my family. I think—well, I hope you'll like them! They can be a bit much sometimes but—"

"Don't worry, love," Alexander whispered, squeezing my hand. "I'm sure I'll love them."

I smiled to myself as he kissed me softly, before turning back to the car to get our suitcases. I watched him for a moment longer, than smiled.

I helped Alexander get the luggage out of the back of the car, then raced to the front door.

Same old dark blue door that I remember. Same old giant house with the white bricks. Same old huge field, same old huge pond in the front, same old rolling hills.

God, I didn't realize how much I missed home.

"Much better than New York, no?"

"That remains to be seen. It's actually not as hot as I thought it would be."

I dipped down to move the doormat. Same old bronze key underneath it. I smiled and unlocked the door, the weight of the knob startlingly familiar in my hands. I pushed open the door and stepped I side, all my senses drowning out in that bittersweet nostalgia.

I took in a deep breath, and felt a little lighter, a bit more whole, for I was home.