//TW: swearing, physical and verbal abuse, PTSD\\

Im sorry guys if updates arent as regular as usual. It isnt your fault. Im just not in a great mental state rn and it feels like writing is the only thing that could potentially help me but this isnt getting the kind of attention and shit I want it too, so its kinda discouraging to keep writing

But im gonna stay with it bc I need to

Thomas

I flipped through the pages of the book rather lazily, curled up against the couch in the one spot that drank in the most sunlight. I enjoyed the feeling of its setting rays warming my skin, as if it could actually reach through the glass and touch me. It was stupid, but perhaps it was just nice to know that the light didn't hide away from me, that it wasn't just another one of those things lingering just out of my grasp. It was tangible, it was real, and it decided I was worth its time.

I read and I relaxed and I basked in the light of the setting sun, every so often glancing up at the door. I waited for Alexander to come home, just as I waited every other day. Just as I would wait until the end of time, if that's what it took. Perhaps it made me weak and pathetic but there's nothing I enjoy more than him stepping into our apartment and making my world just a bit brighter, moment by moment. I live for his smile, and as long as I have it, what do I have to fear?

I craved him, needing his arms wrapped safely around me like a flower needs sunlight in order to bloom. It isn't fair, the effect he has on me. But there's nothing else in the world I would rather have. There's nothing else in the world I want. Just him. Just my Alexander.

It was pathetic, almost. I knew it. I was ashamed of it and the way I clung to him. But still, I couldn't keep myself away from his brilliance. Not with the way he smiled at me. Not with the way he held me, so tenderly and sweet and so delicate. Not with the way he looked at me whenever he thought I wasn't watching, like I was the center of his universe, like I was the brightest star in the sky, twinkling away without care of who was gazing up at me.

So I sat, facing the door, and waited.

I didn't have to wait very long.

The door opened the same time it always did without fail. I glanced up from my book with that same smile I always had, that stupidly over-eager smile just to see him and have him see me, for he was the only one who ever really did. Alexander stepped into the room silently, and if I had been any smarter, I would have immediately noticed the difference in the mood, the anger etched into his face in tiny lines, though barely visible even if you looked. But I'm not smart. I saw what I wanted to see and was blind to everything else, just as I always was.

"Hey, Alexander," I greeted softly, setting the book down after carefully marking the page. I uncurled myself, gazing up at him and waiting for his familiar smile as if lost in a dream. I shifted towards him, wanting to be as close as I could. "How was your day?"

"Horrible," he responded tersely, and all at once, the sunlight turned cold and unforgiving. It rejected me, dipping down behind the skyline, leaving me to whatever tempest had suddenly blown across the sky just so it could disrupt the perfect peace we had crafted for ourselves.

Alexander slammed the door shut behind him. It was a reflex, the way I flinched at the sudden noise that rang through the apartment, loud and unyielding. My heart plummeted from my chest all at once, losing itself to a vacant chasm sitting right where my stomach should be. I shifted away from him; the innate fear deep within me of a wild, caged animal—the fear that had been building inside of me for four awful years—finally broke free once again.

"Is-is everything alright?" I managed out. God, why did I have to sound so pathetic? I started forwards but stopped immediately when he pinned me under that look of his.

Alexander sighed, a harsh and disappointed noise that filled me with the worst of dread. I swallowed. "I don't want to talk about it." So dismissive, so final. It knocked the breath out of me and left me scrambling for purchase. "Can you just..."

No no no no no no no.

I gasped for air but water filled my lungs, pushing me further down under that unrelenting current. I tried to make sense of the world around me but it was a blur, a falseness. I had nothing to cling to, not with Alexander's fury slowly sinking into me. It spread like rot, taking the delicate nature of life and crushing it swiftly but painfully.

What did you do?

No I didn't do anything I couldn't have.

This is all your fault.

No I didn't do anything this cannot be my fault.

It always is.

Memories filled my mind, because they always did. Because they never left. Memories and disjointed faces and distorted voices lashing out, stabbing at me with pinpricks of fear. A vacant canvas of red filled my vision as I staggered away from Alexander, trying to better grip the world around me to no avail. I was falling and I was falling fast.

And out of nowhere, I heard him.

A memory, of course. Something that had come and gone and no longer mattered to anybody else. Nobody but me, at least. The memory of his breath hot against my ear, corrupting my mind with words and death. The memory of pain shooting across my face, thundering, filling, leaving no room for anything else as he hit and hit and hit over and over and over until my world was dark and my face was numb and my life lost its meaning unless that meaning was pain.

I could hear his lies seeping into me even now, poison murdering and destroying because that's all he knew how to do. The poison of blame, as if I had done everything I could to make his life miserable. As if I was responsible for the evils of this world, as if I were Pandora and her empty, broken box. It was his justification, wasn't it? His reasoning? He was defending himself. Making the world better. The paradox of fixing something by breaking it.

He had always taken it out on me and did not stop until he saw blood.

I must have fallen to the ground, clutching my hair as tightly as I could, just to feel pain. Pain made the world okay, I guess. It gave me something solid. It reminded me of everything I deserved.

I waited for that pain and the anger Alexander would inevitably unleash on me. I wished it would come. I was desperate for its touch because it was what I deserved and I was lying to myself if I really thought any different. I am the worst kind of idiot there is. A foolish, naïve idiot who actually believes I deserve more than what I've been given. I am blind. Stupid.

I tried to breathe but I couldn't. And it felt like I never would, again. Maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. Hot tears came out of nowhere, attacking the side of my face as I waited, because there was nothing I could really do but wait.

"Th-Thomas?" Alexander stuttered, and when I opened my eyes, he was right in front of me. The anger in his fave had disappeared, completely replaced by concern. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to stare into his eyes, to face the depths of my own failings and inadequacy. But he was persistent, and he reached forwards, holding onto me. "Hey, hey, Thomas, talk to me. What's going on? Wha-what happened?"

"Pl-please don't h-hurt m-me." The words did not sound like words but rather twisted abominations that I begged.

I wiped away the tears just managing to break free with the heel of my palm, glancing at anything but him. But Alexander leaned forward, wrapping his hands softly around my wrist, and pulled me close to him. He kept me close, and slowly, air poured back into my lungs. I gasped for breath at his gentle urgings, focusing solely on the solidity of his touch as it kept me afloat in a violent sea.

"Thomas?" His voice was shaky, as if in utter fear. His hands were trembling around mine, and though he tried to be strong, he was starting to lose control. "Thomas! Thomas, please talk to me. What happened?"

"You're—you're mad a-at me," I forced out between giant gulps of air, as if I'd never be able to breathe again. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"No!" he quickly exclaimed, leaning forwards. "Thomas, I am not mad at you!" He laughed, that kind of laugh one can only give in relief, in the wake of some oppressive fear finally fleeing. Alexander's hand brushed forwards, cupping my face, brushing away my tears as they still fell, because I could never quite be free of them. "Oh, God, how can you think I could ever be mad at you?" he whispered, setting his forehead against mine. The world righted itself; the flowers bloomed even amongst the rot and the dead.

"I don't—I'm sorry, I—"

"Please don't apologize to me, Thomas," he said, wrapping his arms around me. I melted into his grip, unable to resist, feeling the world right itself again. "You have nothing to apologize for."

I nodded, burying my face in the crook of his neck.

"What happened? Did I do something?"

"It was m-my fault," I mumbled against his skin. As soon as the words left my mouth, he lifted my face and kissed me softly, as if the thought was completely unbelievable.

"Whatever happened, Thomas, it is not your fault."

"I just—you were mad, and I—I don't know—I just—"

"You thought I was going to hurt you?" he whispered.

I nodded, and Alexander held me tighter. "Oh, Thomas." He breathed my name as if it meant something more. As if thousands of worlds existed within those two simple syllables. I sighed. Alexander slid away, holding my chin so I had nowhere to look but his gorgeous eyes. I softened against him and he held me like I was the only thing he wanted.

"I would never hurt you," he promised. Fiercely. The kind of promise you had no choice but to believe.

I nodded, leaning against his hand. Somehow, I managed a shaky laugh, just at where we had found ourselves. "R-right. I'm sorry." I laughed again, and Alexander smiled in return as he held my face, keeping us permanently tied together. The grains of worry began to blow away, lost to the wind, just as was inevitable when I was with Alexander.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded, offering him the warmest smile I could.

"May I kiss you?"

I nodded again, and he leaned forward and kissed me just as softly as he always did, giving me warmth when I didn't deserve it, safety when it was all that I needed.

"I'm sorry," I said when I eventually slipped away, because it was the only thing I knew. "I—I didn't mean to scare you. Thank you for being so patient with me. I—I really appreciate it, Alexander."

"Hey, it's not a problem at all," he said softly. "I'm happy just as long as I can be with you. You know that, right?" Alexander leaned forward again, closing his eyes, and drawing in a deep breath. I touched his face, brushed my thumb against his cheek, and smiled.

"I know."

"Good." Another breathless laugh. "God, you really scared me there for a moment, baby," he said. "I thought—well, I don't know what I thought, but it wasn't good."

"I didn't mean to freak out on you."

"No, Thomas, it's okay. You're okay. We're both okay." His next question came rather quietly. "When James was mad...did he hurt you?" There was so much hesitation, so much fear lingering behind that voice.

I sighed, turning away. All I could do was nod, because I certainly couldn't lie. Not to him.

"Oh, Thomas," he murmured, setting his forehead against mine once more. "I'm so sorry."

I smiled. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"I don't know. For everything, I guess. May I, uh, may I ask what made your day so horrible?" I asked, remembering myself.

Alexander hesitated a bit before responding, but once he did, the word washed over me like ice cold water. I don't know what else I had been expecting, but it all seemed so unfair. That even now, even here, that boy with an army of shadows following every move he made could still pry in on something so perfect, could still taint something so pure. "James."

"Oh." I should've guessed as much. I pulled away, shifting so I was sitting on the couch rather than the floor. "So it is my fault, then?"

"No!" he quickly exclaimed. Alexander took my hands in his and examined them, tracing his thumb across the creases in my palm. He was quiet for a moment before continuing in a hushed tone, as if the world hung on every word he said. "Do you know why I took you away from him in the first place?"

I blinked, my thoughts a scattered mess. How did one respond to that? Was it better to stay silent and let the question answer itself?

"Because I care about you, Thomas! I'm not going to hurt you. I'd never do that to you."

"I—I care about you too."

Alexander smiled, sitting down next to me. It seemed too perfect. I didn't deserve him. Why couldn't he understand that?

"I'm sorry. I'm such a mess, aren't I?"

"Thomas-" he began, but I cut him off. 

"I don't understand how you put up with me," I admitted, my head beginning to throb with what seemed like a major headache. "How you or any of your friends do." My fists tightened around the edge of my shirt and I closed my eyes. "I'm such a mess. Sometimes I wonder if everyone would be happier if I wasn't-"

"Thomas!" Alexander exclaimed, appalled. His grip around me tightened, and I sighed, resting my head against his chest. I curled myself against him, finding comfort even if I had no right to do so. I was a fool. A coward. An idiot.

But I couldn't deprive myself of him when he made me so happy.

"Please don't think like that. If something happened to you...I'd...I'd be devastated. I... you mean so much to me. I can't lose you okay? You make me so happy. You make me feel so complete. I'd be so fucking lost without you."

I sighed, but it wasn't a bad sigh; it was one of those sighs meant as a way to release every last poisoned thought and take in the world for its inherently simplistic nature. He shifted, so my head was laying in his lap, the perfect place for him to run his fingers through my hair. And as he did, I gazed up at him, admiring his face and the way the fading sunlight danced across it. God, he was something else. So gorgeous, it didn't seem real. So sweet and slow and kind. Some days it seemed as though Alexander was made out of sunlight and warmth rather then flesh and blood.

"But besides, well, besides James, how was your day?"

"Well, it started off pretty great."

"Oh, yeah?"

"I woke up to the prettiest person in the entire world in my arms. Doesn't get much better than that, does it?"

"Alexander."

"I'm serious."

"You're too nice to me."

"I disagree."

"You're—you're amazing, Alexander. I hope you know that."

Alexander's fingers brushed against my cheek softly as he gazed down at me. There was something that passed through his eyes, something I couldn't quite describe. I wish I could have, but it existed beyond the realm of simple words. Reverent, perhaps. Like I was a creature of starlight and wonder on the same level as somebody as perfect as him. Like I was deserving of love.

I curled against him, closing my eyes, and drew in the moment for everything it was. There was no place I'd rather be then resting in the safety of his arms. It was perfect, the soft symphony of his breathing against mine, the lingering touch of his fingers playing with my hair, the warm hold of the last rays of sunlight. And like a camellia in sight of a beautiful, full moon, I bloomed for him and him alone.

When I eventually opened my eyes, Alexander was staring intently down at me, a look of determination in his eyes. He studied me intensely, and I felt my face grow hot. "What?" I asked quietly.

"I just realized I don't have a pet name for you yet." A smile came over his face, no doubt at my sudden embarrassment as the meaning of his words flooded over me. "I mean, flower is a little strange, isn't it?"

"Flower?" I repeated, a little incredulous.

"Yeah, you're right, it sounds weird," Alexander agreed. "What else? Cow?"

Cow? I couldn't help it, I glanced down at my stomach.

"What! No! Thomas! That's-" he sighed. "That's not what I meant! It's just that Hera is the greek goddess of like, happy relationships, right? And her sacred animal is the cow? Okay, yeah, I probably should have thought that through."

I laughed, and his expression changed immediately. It softened, it warmed, and everything else that existed in this horrible world disappeared in the wake of his tenderness, shown only to me. "Yeah. Probably," I said as I sat up, giving him my full and undivided attention. Alexander took my hands in his and moved in close, pressing me against the back of the couch but keeping just enough distance between us to give me that option, should I ever need it. His fingers curled into mine, holding me simply for the sake of holding me.

He smiled at me, a warm, happy, smile. "What are those birds you're always drawing? Mockingjays? No wait, those are from the Hunger Games. Mockingbirds! That's what they are."

I couldn't help but smile. "You're going to call me a mockingbird?"

"Well, now that you say it out loud, it sounds kinda weird."

"Sorry," I apologized half-heartedly.

"I could call you my prince," he murmured, bobbing his head down. He breathed his next question softly, a little hesitantly, but it somehow still sent those fluttering butterflies into motion in my chest, beating against my heart with their gentle, gauzy wings. I nodded, blinking at the question, and he smiled. His lips found my neck and kissed softly, slowly, never taking more than he asked for.

"P-prince?" I repeated, slightly caught off-guard by the feeling of his mouth against the vulnerable skin of my neck. I balled my hands into fists, letting my fingernails dig into my palms in hopes that the pain would keep me from...well, completely embarrassing myself. I folded my legs together between us, but Alexander did not seem to mind.

"Yeah. Because you're sweet and gentle and delicate. And I'm happy to treat you like a prince," he breathed against my neck. Could he hear the frantic beating of my heart? It must have been impossible to ignore. "But I think you're more like starlight, than anything else." And then, as if an afterthought, he added, "Hey, you don't mind if I leave hic—?"

"Oh! Umm, I mean, that's okay!" I winced at the stupidity of my words, wishing I could curl up away from him. It shouldn't have gotten to me as much as it did, but still. I couldn't afford to screw this up. "Oh, God, sorry that didn't make any—"

"No, it's okay. You're so cute when you're all flustered," he chuckled softly, and his mouth slid against my neck once more. This time, I had to cover my mouth in order to keep some semblance of self-control.

"What was I saying? Oh, right," he murmured between his kisses, breath warm against my neck. "Starlight."

"Alexander," I breathed. His hands intertwined with mine, pressing them against the couch as he kissed and sucked at the side of my neck, slow and sweet. Warmth pooled in my stomach, that little twinge of desire and a feeling that really cannot be replicated.

"You're so beautiful. But in a distant way, you know? Something that can't be captured or taken away. Just observed and admired and basked in. And I'm happy to do that, you know. Happy to watch you and breathe in everything you are. You're beautiful and bright and that can never be undone."

And with each word, his lips worked at my neck, and oh, it felt good. It felt like he understood me and knew every last thing about me and for some reason wanted me anyway. And it would have been so easy for him to be rougher, demanding, but he simply wasn't. Alexander was patient and offered me everything I wanted and everything I needed even if I hadn't realized I needed it. There was nothing else to it but the softest sensuality, the desire to share something intimate. I clung to him, tilting my head back just to give him a bit more space. Because, God, it felt so nice. And for once, I wanted more. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted somebody to show me everything I had been missing and there was nobody else in the world I would rather have that be than Alexander. I wanted him to keep me right there, in his arms, his forever.

And I had never wanted that from anybody before.

"Hey," he murmured, quiet enough to where what he said existed only for the two of us. There was nobody else and there would never be anybody else. "I think you're amazing. You know that, right?"

I nodded. "I think you're amazing, too."

Alexander laughed, and pressed his mouth against mine once more, and I dissolved in his warmth, losing myself and my sense of existence to everything Alexander stood for. I smiled into the kiss, allowing myself to indulge in the feeling of it for just a moment or two longer, just to see the colors that bloomed to life when he touched me, kissed me.

It felt like the world was overcome by an open sky, freedom and happiness extolling through the air like a beautiful melody. As long as I was his, I was safe. I was free. I was that softly singing bird yet again, finally putting the terrors of a nightmare far behind me, once and for all. And I would never look back, not with the hues of blue facing me down.

I could feel every part of him. The gentle brush of his lips against mine, exploring but cautious, as if too afraid to shatter the delicate glass-creature underneath him. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer and closer with every passing second. And his heartbeat, thrumming against mine, almost synchronizing and harmonizing as one.

God, what in the world was he doing to me?

Well, whatever it was, I didn't mind. As long as he would be mine and I would be his, and the world would thrive in the wake of our intertwining hearts beating together, flowers blooming and worlds blossoming.

I opened my eyes, shifted backwards, just so I could take in the sight of him once again. He was one of those things that certainly felt like it would disappear within seconds if you weren't careful enough. So I soaked him in, committing every last detail to memory so I could save it for later. The curve of his mouth as it turned upwards, the wide, semi-surprised look in his eyes, as if he still couldn't believe that he could kiss me any time he chose. And just like him, I was so certain that any moment, I would wake up, and the dream would be so unfairly snatched from my fingers. So I did everything I could to memorize the feeling of him, because I never wanted to live without it again.

But just like that, within seconds, the moment was stolen away from us.

A voice cleared its throat.

I pushed Alexander away at once, terror tearing through my veins as those same old thoughts rose out of nowhere and gripped me at once, toying with me just like they always did. The panic dissipated slightly at the sight of them, but I only say slightly.

Lafayette, Eliza, and John stood in the door way, staring at us with wide eyes and open mouths.

"Umm," Lafayette said, trying to sound modest and unperturbed, but there was no defeating that wide, smug grin spreading across his face. "If you two are busy, uh, we can come back later."

I think Alexander encapsulated everything I was thinking in two, perfect words.

"Well, shit."