//TW: self-loathing, ptsd associated with sexual assault, swearing, and some suggestive content\\

HOLY SHIT GUYS WE HIT 4K VOTES AND 400 FOLLOWERS! THANKS YOU ALL SO MUCH, YOU'RE THE BEST! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

I seriously want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support. I cherish every single vote and comment you guys have given/written, and it truly means so much to me that all of you enjoy my work.

This book isn't over yet, (unless you all want it to be) and we have a bit left to go, but I just wanted to take a quick second to thank every single one of you for everything.

So, thank you.

And without further ado...

(Edit: awww i still remember how excited i was about that)

~•~

Thomas

It's been a week.

A single week since the sun and moon converged to let their glorious light spill upon me. A single week since color and life and wonder filled the world again, painting a thousand untold pictures with each more magnificent than the last. A single week since I returned to the fairytale I had so often dreamed about and prayed for with every single passed moment and every single heartbeat. It had been a single week since I tasted the free, uninterrupted sky once more, and I had cherished every last second I spent with my soul and body and heart intertwined with the one person I love more than anything else in the world.

It's been a week, a week that feels like lifetimes and seconds all at the same time. Perhaps that's the thing about returning to a beautiful, starlit meadow after so long with my entire being plunged in the shadows. It all feels unreal, supernatural. Every moment of it feels like a dream, like that sleepy haze has descended down upon me and blinded my vision, interrupted my senses. It's that timeless quality of dreams, that unbelievable bliss that encompasses my entire soul.

Of course, there have been moments where I've woken up, trapped in the dead of night, chased away from the comforts of sleep by some nightmarish being or another. Why wouldn't there be? I am nothing without fear. There have been moments where my heart froze, where my mind spiraled, at the sudden thought of it all being a dream and I would have to wake up and be back in that dorm room haunted by the past and all the terrible, terrible nothings that had happened while I lingered, caught between two worlds but never able to see either of them. But every time I had waken with a scream dying on my cracked, dry lips, he had been there.

Alexander had been there, and he held me, and he promised everything would be alright. And for those moments where he was right there, everything was alright. He made life worth living. He made this entire world worth seeing. He made everything better, just by existing and being mine and allowing me to be his.

So, yeah, it's been a week. Perhaps one of the most magnificent, terrible, dream-like, nightmare-esque weeks of my life. But through it all, Alexander stands determined, unbreaking, his hand joined with my hand.

What more is there to say?

I hope that this lasts for as long as it possibly can. I hope that I can stay with Alexander for the rest of my life. I love him. And he loves me. And I've never been happier.

And I'll never be as happy as I am with him.

I gazed up at him through a daze, darkness beginning to pool into the room. But it was New York City darkness, meaning that it came with the streetlamps and those lights flooding through the windows of the skyscrapers and all the miniature, human-made stars that made the city earn its moniker. Alexander's beautiful face basked in the blue neon tint radiating off of the phone we were (supposed to be) watching. His brow was slightly furrowed, wrapped up in the mystery of whatever show we were watching now. I was supposed to be paying attention, I think, but how could I when everything I had ever wanted was right there, our bodies tied together in all the right ways? How could I ever focus on anything else when Alexander was right here, his chest moving up and down underneath my head? I could hear his heartbeat, loud and unrelenting and perhaps the most wonderful song I've ever heard after what felt like a lifetime of silence.

He looked so pretty, even if my view of him was addled with the golden tint I had begun to see the world coated in. He looked so pretty with his slightly parted lips, a product of his thorough investment in the phone. He looked so pretty with his warm skin and gorgeous brown eyes and the way his arms wrapped around me, perpetually keeping me close to him. It was impossibly easy to get lost in the amazement his presence wrought, and equally impossible to even begin to try to find a way out.

He rolled his eyes at one of the character's antics, then reached for a cookie on the plate laying next to us, still warm and fresh and emitting that irresistible aroma of baked goods. But as pervasive as such a smell may have been, it was still drowned out by the more subtle scent of Alexander's cologne, which encircled me, embraced me. Refused to let me go.

This was my definition of paradise.

My head resting on his chest, peering up to look at him rather than the phone. One of his arms wrapped around my back, the other holding the arm I had rested at the base of his neck. Our bodies so thoroughly entwined, as if caught in an ethereal dance amongst the stars and the moon and the comets fleeting past, no more than blips of light and life, just as we were. Gone in an instant, but the brevity did not necessarily indicate insignificance.

It wasn't loud, or eccentric, or even overly romantic. But it was peaceful, and it made me happy. And in the end, that's what's most important.

I could not describe the feeling invoked deep within my heart with simple words. It took a lot more than meaningless attributions to describe that intense, burning feeling.

It was the gentle purples of twilight that dance over the world as the moon slowly takes its rightful place in the sky. It was the light oranges bleeding into yellows of butterfly wings as they listlessly danced around my head. It was the rich yellows and whites of a field of wild daisies swaying in the wind. It was the soft, deep blue of an eternal sky overhead, filled with those glimmering lights. Alexander was my colors, my hues. He painted the world in an array of shades so sweet and gorgeous, so complete. Without him, everything was utterly dull.

"What are you looking at?" he asked after a moment, his smile widening as he glanced down at me. I ached for that smile, hungered for his happiness. There was something so utterly breathtaking about its simplistic beauty, a light aptly cutting through the darkness.

"You."

"Why?" he asked, a tinge of a laugh filling his voice as he pushed my face away gently. "Watch the show!"

"I can't. I wanna look at you."

"Thomas!"

"What? Am I not allowed to look at my beautiful boyfriend?"

"No, you're not."

"Aww. That's a shame," I returned, running my fingers along his chest, tracing invisible patterns that almost reminded me of music notes. "I guess I'll just have to be sad," I said. "Alone. Without anybody to look at..."

"You're unbelievable," he said softly, lifting my hand to his mouth and pressing a kiss to the back of it. I could practically feel the warmth flood into my face, and suddenly, my gentle teasings seemed irrelevant, a thing of the very very distant past. He nodded to himself at my sudden reservations that hadn't existed moments prior, clearly satisfied with how easy it was for him to reduce me to a blushing mess of feelings.

"Okay, sorry," I said with a soft, sigh, pressing myself closer to his body. "I'm watching." I frowned, faced with a plethora of new characters I did not recognize and a setting that made no sense. "Wait, what's happening again? What'd I miss?"

Alexander laughed softly and tried to hide it with a groan, then attempted to explain everything that had happened while I was off star-gazing in my own little world, where he was the only being that existed, the god that had allowed life to flourish. For truly, I had worshipped him for everything he meant to me.

I tried my best to listen intently, frustrated that I couldn't grasp and cling to the few things that made him as happy as he was now. Passion infused his voice as he talked about each character, his eyes filled with that glorious, glorious light signifying his dedication. I tried to be attentive, I truly did, but I was so enamored with that light, a bountiful, welcoming beacon, and the soft patterns tucked away within his words to form a hidden song, and the gentle lull of his voice cascading down around me, and the rhythm of his heartbeat under my ear, and the—

You're doing it again, I scolded myself, letting my fingernails dig into the vulnerable flesh along my forearm as an attempt to force myself to pay attention to what he was saying.

Alexander resumed the episode, running his fingers through my hair, and I tried to ignore the swarm of butterflies his touch awakened deep within my chest.  I refocused my attention on the phone and the flashing lights and I tried so very hard to lose my sense of self and to take a backseat as I fell enraptured with the show, but I was just too, too aware of Alexander's body against mine.

My hand reached to grab the last cookie sitting on the plate, meeting Alexander's. I turned to look at him. His gaze held mine evenly, and the unspoken challenge floated between us.

"Alexander~" I purred, taking full advantage of my position and the situation. His eyes widened in surprise, and for a moment, he was rendered completely defenseless. His hold on the chocolate chip delicacy softened. And in that single moment, I snatched the cookie away from him. "Hah!" I shouted above the noise of the phone and moved to the end of the bed so that my back was against the wall, shielding the snack from him. "Take that!"

"Thomas! That wasn't fair!"

"Life isn't fair," I said back, smirking at him as I held the ill begotten treasure in my hand, just so where he could see it but to where he couldn't grab it.

Alexander laughed in utter shock, and only then did I realize what I had done. A thousand apologies pooled off my lips almost immediately, even despite his wild grin. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry! Sorry, sorry!" I said, my face warming with shame, though I knew I shouldn't have to feel it. Still, it burned bright, something so heavily beaten into me I couldn't resist it even if I had wanted to. "Here, uh, we can probably split it. I'm so sorry, again."

To my surprise, he smirked. "Thomas~"

Now it was my turn for my eyes to widen in surprise and to immediately go defenseless as he slowly approached me.

"Kiss?" he whispered, moving so that his lips were inches from mine.

The only thing I could do was nod in response, and the next thing I knew, his lips were on mine.

The kiss was so soft and gentle and slow and perfect. I melted into it like ice on a hot day, cherishing every last second. It spoke volumes, saying more than words ever could have. It made me realize how lucky I was to have Alexander in my life. It made me realize how lucky I was to be loved by him, to wake up knowing that I always had him by my side.

His hands entwined with mine, moving them to either side of my head. His touch was so gentle, so warm, and so careful. My body was heating up where his touch lingered.

My soft gasps died in my throat, along with my shame, along with my protests. He pushed me against the wall, rising up on his knees to gain a better angle. And wordlessly, I gave into him, allowed myself to enjoy the way he touched me, the way he held my body against his so delicately but so dangerously, his unspoken desires impossibly clear.

I wouldn't have minded if this had lasted forever. I don't even think I would have noticed.

But of course, like all good things, it finally met its end.

Alexander's hand curled in mine and the next second, he let go of me, leaving me an absolute hot mess.

My eyes met his, and I noticed a smirk on his face. But it was a playful, 'Hah-take-that' kind of smirk. My gaze darted to his hand and he was holding the last cookie, only slightly crushed.

"Alexander! That wasn't fair!"

"Life isn't fair," he shot back, throwing my own words back at me. His smirk morphed into a grin as he split the cookie in half and handed part of it to me.

I gazed down at my half of the cookie, smiled to myself, and took a small bite of the treat. The flavors washed over my mouth, but they seemed dull in comparison to the fireworks he had set of in my body, all just by the taste of his lips against mine. I found myself blushing profusely and turned away hopefully before Alexander could see.

"Aww, what's wrong?" he asked, sliding closer so our faces were nearly inches apart. From here, I could see those twin beautiful pools of brown gleaming with an untempered spark much, much better. "You're not going shy on me, are you, love?"

"Of course not!" I returned as I moved the empty plate to the bedside table, all too aware of how close he was, how his breath fanned against my neck. I shivered, but in a delightful sort of way, overcome with the warmth of his body so close to mine. So close, and I could lean forwards and kiss him, and life would be perfect.

"That's good," Alexander murmured. "Can I kiss you, baby?"

I had barely finished nodding when Alexander slammed his lips against mine, tilting my head so he could get a good angle, pressing me back, back, back into the wall. He slid in between my legs at once, his mouth suddenly desperate, suddenly needing a lot more than they had a minute ago.

Okay.

Wow.

If the last kiss was gentle and soft, then this was the complete exact opposite.

Alexander had me pressed me down underneath his body in seconds, his hands wrapping around my wrists and pinning them to either side of my head. At first, his mouth worked at mine, tongue running across my lips as though begging for entrance, desperate, needing, rough. Rough in a way I had never associated with Alexander before. Rough in a way that made my heart skip a beat, made those shadows peer in on the outskirts of my vision. But still, trusting him as much as I did, I conceded, allowing my mouth to fall open. His tongue slipped inside and began to explore, and I tried my best not to make a sound. He left me no time to think, no time to react. The world came undone around me as he kissed me, leaving nothing but him and I and the closeness of our bodies.

His lips trailed down, finding my neck. It was instantaneous, the soft whine that broke free from my lips as he sucked and kissed at my throat. I could feel his mouth curve into a smile against my skin as he slowly let go of my wrists, let his hands slowly trace down my body.

"Alex—" I whispered, breathless, caught in the euphoria of how his mouth felt against the tender skin that had become so accustomed to pain and bruising.

"Shh," he returned, obviously lost to his own parallel burst of that numbing joy. His fingers slid down to my thighs, gently rubbing. "Don't worry, baby, I'm gonna take good care of you."

Take care of me?

I bit back the panic. It's fine. I'm sure it's not what I think it is, that flash of heated desire lurking in his eyes.

I surrendered myself to him, desperate for his touch, desperate for his kiss, desperate for his love. I wanted it to consume me, I wanted to never have to live another moment without knowing what it felt like to be wrapped up in his arms.

And then, his knee slid in between my legs, and his kissing turned into biting against my skin.

Oh.

And as simple as that, I could already picture myself at the end of the night.

The warmth flooding through my body dissipated at once, quickly replaced by something chillingly, numbingly, unquestionably cold. Not the cold I had associated with him, not with my Alexander. This was the cold of being reduced to nothing, the cold of being reminded of too many things that dwelled in the darkness, that thrived in the mold and the rot.

Alexander laughed lightly at my reaction, his mouth slowly slipping down and down until he was biting softly on my collarbone, his fingers pulling slightly at my shirt. I swallowed back the thousands of alarms and cries that thundered through my head, carried by unseen ghosts. No, no, no, just don't worry, just don't worry—

"Fuck, baby," Alexander whispered, the sound biting through my flesh. It sent another round of shivers coursing through me, these painful, these unwanted. "You're so good for me."

I felt as if I was drowning. I couldn't stop and catch my breath for even a second. And most of all, I didn't want Alexander to worry. He's done enough of that for the past few months.

But this was going very downhill very fast.

Especially when his hands trailed down my body and pulled gently on the rim of my shirt. He ended the kiss and met my gaze. His eyes were posing the question I knew he was about to ask.

At this point, my heart was beating so loud I was sure he could hear it. I panted for breath, considering my options.

You can do this Thomas. Do this for Alexander.

So, closing my eyes tightly, I nodded, signaling my consent.

He's given me so much. It's my turn to give back.

It's my job.

But it was a painful reminder, a harsh, stark reminder that love always starts and ends with flesh. With physicality. With the closeness of bodies, rather than the beating of hearts.

Just do what he wants.

Slowly, delicately, he slipped off my shirt, and then my pants with another one of my pathetic nods, while I frantically worked at his clothes before he could realize anything was wrong. Once he was done, he laid me back against the bed once more, and let his mouth trail down my chest to my stomach and oh God I cannot let him see me like this. I cannot let him see me without the layers I had tried to hide behind, I cannot let him tear me apart the way so many others do.

So I covered my mouth and my face with my hands, hiding myself from him. Just so he wouldn't notice how lost I had suddenly found myself, how panic and terror and that undying anxiety thrived inside of me once again.

What if he doesn't want you after this? What if this has been all this has ever been about? What if he's going to throw you out after he's gotten what he's wanted?

No no no no he wouldn't he'd never he's so much better than that...

I made myself relax, made myself fall into that same old routine I had so many times before. Pretend I was anywhere else, pretend I was floating in a starlit sea, warm water lapping at my body, being carried along by the ebb and the flow of the waves. Pretend I was an outsider, peering in upon a scene that made no sense to me, as fractured as it was by those multitudes of lights and streams of conscious, all compiling to form a distorted, uneven picture. Pretend I was anything except for what I am, which is nothing more than a brokenhearted boy being yanked along by thick, unyielding tethers. Pretend I am happy, pretend I am whole. Pretend pretend pretend until realities fuse and confusion becomes the norm and nothing makes sense. That I could live with, for it would be far preferable to the reality suddenly thrusted upon me.

I tried so hard to make myself relax, but I simply could not give in. I could not unwire the defenses that had been programmed into my brain, I could not make my body be anything but stiff and terrified underneath his touch. I couldn't be anything more than what I already am, and perhaps that is the most disappointing thing I've ever heard.

I can't do this.

A simple truth, but it exists all the same, unquiet and unfair and unkind. I couldn't do this without awakening every last traitorous voice deep within my mind, letting them spew their poisoned thoughts and dirty, dirty words.

I could not do this.

But I didn't have a choice.

I have to do this.

Regardless of whether I wanted to or not.

I was his boyfriend. He was mine.

I can do this for him.

I have to do this for him.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

It'll be over soon.

Alexander's fingers drifted down my body, drawing shivers in their wake. They slipped down, down, down, underneath the rim of my boxers, and pulled slightly. He slid closer, his mouth pressed against my ear, close enough to feel the warmth of his breath against my skin and remind myself that he was still Alexander and he was still warm and he was still mine regardless of it all. I felt his mouth move against the shell of my ear as he whispered, "Can I take these off, baby?"

I should have said yes. I meant to say yes. I wanted to say yes, for him, for his delight and his pleasure and to prove that I was worthy of his love and willing to give back for all that I have taken. All I wanted to do was show that I loved him, and if love meant this kind of touch, I was more than happy to give in. It may be unpleasant but at least he'd still be happy. I should have said yes.

But what erupted from my mouth was a harsh, short, pained, "No!"

Silence rang like a tolling bell for a moment.

Then, Alexander pulled away. "Thomas?"

Selfish whore.

"Thomas!"

Selfish, stupid, ungrateful whore.

I covered my face with my hands, biting down on the flesh until it hurt. "I'm sorry," I said, swallowing back my sobs, doing everything in my power to keep my voice from wobbling. "I'm sorry. Please. Keep going. I'm good."

"Thomas?" Alexander whispered, taking my hands from my face. I wince, shooting my gaze to the ground and hoping he couldn't see my tears through the darkness. "Thomas, are you okay?"

"I'm okay. A-are you?"

"I'm terrified that I've hurt you!"

"You haven't! Really, really. I'm good. I want to do this for you. Please. I'm good. I promise. Let's keep going."

"Thomas—"

"Please, Alexander."

He gripped my hands tightly in his, then slid his finger underneath my chin and lifted it so I was looking into his eyes. "Thomas, do you want to have sex with me tonight?"

"I—yes. You want to, so I want to, too. I want to—to show you th-that I—that I love you and—"

"Thomas," Alexander repeated very, very carefully. "Forget about what I want, and think about what you want. Do you want to have sex with me?"

Unable to answer him and his pleading question, I shook my head.

Alexander slipped off of me.

The weight on my body disappeared, and I felt him wrap his arms around me, pulling me to his chest.

"Are you okay, baby? Can I get you anything?"

"I—what? What are you doing?" I asked after a moment.

"Cuddling," he responded, his eyes closed and a soft smile on his face. "Do you want to put on pajamas, love, or are you good?"

"Um, I'm okay. But uh, thank you. Are you—are you okay?"

"I'm good!" Alexander said, opening his eyes. "Well, I'm a little...I'm a little mad at myself. I thought you were enjoying it. I'm so sorry. I should have—" He took a deep breath, let it out, and smiled. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," I whispered, pressing my forehead against his chest. "I should have been able to tell you. I didn't, and—"

"Well, it's not your fault either, okay?" he said, rather fiercely. I paused, warmth pooling in my stomach. But it was a welcome warmth. A warmth I wholeheartedly embraced as it consumed me. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For telling me you didn't want me to continue. I should have known but..." Alexander squeezed me, pulling me closer, and everything was alright. "And please, love, don't feel like you owe me anything you don't want to do."

"I love you."

Alexander smiled. "God, I love you too." He brushed a curl out of my face, and smiled. "May I ask you a question, love?"

"I..." I trailed off, an unsteady breath interrupting my words.

"You don't have to answer it, I won't think any less of you, and I won't make any assumptions at all. But have you ever enjoyed sex before?"

Quietly, I shook my head, eyes fastened to the place where our hands intertwined against my knee.

"Okay, have you ever had consensual sex before, Thomas?"

Once more, I shook my head. The action felt piercing, painful.

I had never acknowledged it before like that. I had never allowed those words to flood through me before, to embrace that simple, horrifying truth. Perhaps there was just one more thing wrong with me.

"Oh, Thomas," Alexander whispered, drawing my hands to his mouth and kissing them softly. "God, love, I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could change the past for you, I wish I could make everything better. But I know I can't." He pulled me closer, cupped my face, and offered me a tiny smile. "So, instead, I'll tell you what. We'll take it slow, we won't go any further than you're ready. But the moment we do, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you enjoy it, to make sure you love every last moment. And if you don't, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that." Alexander sighed, but it was a contented sigh, a happy sigh. He caressed my cheek so tenderly with his thumb, and the world aligned with the stars, and light flooded my vision, and I could exist happily once more.

I leaned into him, resting my head against his body, and drew in a deep breath. The aura that encircled him filled me with a resounding peace, a peace that poured through my bones and seeped into my veins. A peace that danced like a swarm of butterflies, carved from moonlight and fallen petals, that could not be killed or destroyed even in the face of the worst of the storms.

"You didn't have to stop, you know," I whispered after a moment. The thought of it, despite the comfort I found, still ate away at me, slowly chipping me down like a river chips at a rock until a canyon has separated two worlds. "I originally said yes."

"And then you said no." His eyes were opened now. He was watching me, his eyes still filled with concern. "Please don't apologize or thank me love. You have no reason to feel sorry, and I did what I was supposed to do by stopping when you asked. This doesn't make me an amazing person or whatever, and you didn't do anything wrong, love. In fact, it's sort of my fault. I should have checked in with you a lot more than I did. I'm sorry. I pushed you too far."

"Still."

"There is no still."

"If...if you say so."

"I do."

I am crazy for him. I need him like the forest needs sunlight to thrive and to grow. He is my sunlight, my warmth, my nourishment. He is all I have ever needed to survive and I have fallen victim to so many traps and lies and artificial light that could never, ever be what the sunlight was.

I succumbed to the feeling of his arms wrapped so perfectly around my waist. There was nothing that anything could do, as long as I had found my haven and my place against him, his heart beating in time with mine. I had found the thing by which I define everything else, and I had found the person that made it all meaningless, anyway. I had found the person I would give my soul to, who I would entrust with the secrets locked away in my hidden heart, and tonight proved that he would never betray me. Alexander was mine, just as much as I was his, and such a thing would withstand any test of time.

"Jesus, love," he said after a moment. "Your hair smells amazing."

"Oh! Thank you!"

He was quiet for a second. "Love, I want to talk to you about something."

I looked up at him, eyes widening, unsure of what to expect. It would be a lie to say I no longer feared the darkness, the unknown, but it all became a bit more palatable with Alexander guising me every step of the way. So, I allowed myself to relax against him, to listen and to understand.

He smiled reassuringly and moved one of his hands to my cheek. "I'm really proud of you."

I blinked in surprise.

"You've come so far. Even after you've been abused and beaten and taken advantage of, you're still here, you're still with me. Even when it would've been so much easier for you to give up. I can't begin to understand how lucky I am just to have you in my life, and I can't begin to describe how happy I feel whenever I see your breathtaking smile. You never stop amazing me, love, and you're honestly the strongest person I've ever met. Even after everything you've been through  you're still by my side. You just... you are my everything, Thomas." He sighed.

"Thank you Alexander," I murmured, feeling my eyes water up slightly.

So this is what love truly means. This is what it is to find peace with somebody I click with. This is starlight, pouring through my body, claiming us as one of its own.

There was another gap of peaceful silence.

"Mind if I try some pickup lines on you?" he asked after a moment.

"Why would you need to do that?" I questioned, looking up at him.

Alexander's laugh uprooted everything I had ever thought I'd known. So gorgeous and sweet, a symphony that gave meaning to my life.

"Because you'll blush and smile and you're so cute when you're flustered."

I smiled and rolled my eyes. "Alright. Fire away."

"You are my universe."

Aaaaaaaaand I already give up.

"I love everything about you. Your smile, your eyes, your hair. You never fail to make me happy. Every moment I get to spend with you is a moment I wish I could cherish forever. Nobody in the world can compare to you. They say nobody is perfect, but you are living proof that that statement is wrong. Even the stars up above us in the night sky can't compare to you. I'm so glad I can spend even a second with you, as it's way more than I deserve. You are an angel, Thomas and everything about you makes me melt on the inside. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you actually were an angel that has fallen down to Earth. Words can never begin to describe how amazing you are or how lucky and happy I am to have you in my life and—"

"Okay!" I exclaimed, feeling completely flustered and useless. "You need to stop! These aren't pickup lines, Alexander. You're just being overly romantic and sweet and you need to take it down a notch before you kill me."

"Kill you? That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?"

"Well," I said, glaring at my hands in an attempt to hide that traitorous smile and those traitorous tears that had sprung to my eyes in the wake of his wonderful, wonderful words. "It's the truth."

"How so?"

"You want an example of a stupid pickup line? Fine. Are you Wifi? 'Cuz I feel a connection. There you go. That's a stupid pickup line. Notice how stupid it was?"

Alexander raised an eyebrow with a glimmer of amusement shining in his eyes, and I purposefully ducked my head, an unwelcome warmth flooding into my skin. He took my hands in his and brought them to his lips once more, laying a kiss to the back of my hands. It was the smallest things, the most seemingly insignificant things, that made me feel...loved. Nobody had ever done something as simple as that before, not for me. It was a strange feeling, like walking into a room you had never seen before, yet feeling comfortable all the same. It would take some getting used to, but I was definitely not complaining.

"Can I try again then?" he asked, clearly amused.

"Why do you even bother asking? You'll do it anyway!" I exclaimed.

"Alright. Did it hurt?"

I blinked.

"When you fell from heaven? Because you must be an angel."

"Uh, excuse you. I actually crawled up from the depths of hell, so..."

Alexander didn't even falter. "Ah. So that explains why you're so hot then."

"Stop," I said, my voice muffled as I buried my head against his chest.

He angled my head so that I was looking up at him.

Darkness had enveloped the room, and I could hardly see him save for the paltry light that trickled through the window outside. It had grown hard to see him, but I could tell he was grinning by the pitch of his voice and the ease in his fingers as he cupped my chin. I could feel his joy in the space between our souls, seeping into mine.

"You're adorable when you smile. Kiss?"

"Of course."

He pressed his lips against mine, and the simple kiss fluttered through my body on intangible wings. I clung to him closely, basking in the relief of a summer's gentle rain, sprinkling down upon my face, cooling a world that had been ruined by unrelenting heat. And once more, I lost myself in the way he held me, and I didn't care about anything but the places where our bodies touched. I blinked up at him as he slid away half a moment later, a kiss too short but undeniably perfect all the same. I smiled, and he smiled too.

"I love you, my Thomas."

"I love you more," I murmured, yawning.

"Well I love you more than more."

"You can't do that," I said, feeling my eyelids grow heavy.

"Too bad, because I already did," he returned, teasingly. His arms wrapped around my waist once more. "Get some sleep, love. I'll talk to you in the morning okay? Goodnight, Thomas."

"Goodnight, Alexander."

~•~

Alexander

I woke up the next morning with Thomas curled up against my body. I smiled to myself as my grip around his waist tightened and I pulled him closer to my body. His skin was so warm and soft, the impressions of the sheets we were sleeping on dancing across his arms, unfortunately along with the scars on his wrists. I kissed his neck gently for a few seconds before allowing my gaze to drift to his face. He looked so peaceful, so happy.

Berlioz had wedged herself between our bodies, Dick singing softly nearby. Steady rain drummed against the windows outside, gray light pooling through the room. It seemed like a dream, a hazy, forgotten dream rising from the depths of my memories in ways that filled my heart with a complete and wonderful joy. I brushed the stray curls out of his face—they were wild, just as he was—and laid a kiss to his forehead. This was perfect. Everything was perfect. This is the life I had knew that I had always wanted.

And then I looked down at his upper body.

I had to blink, to look again, to make sure I was not still trapped within the confines of a dream. Something inside of my gave out, my blood freezing painfully as I stared down at his bare skin.

No.

No no no no no please no.

No this was not fair.

This has to be a figment of my imagination.

There is no way this can be real because even Madison wouldn't dare go this far.

I felt my eyes widen in horror as I stared at him. I hesitantly reached out to touch his chest, running my fingers against his skin.

It is wrong to the touch, in every sense of the word. Like a place you should know, but everything has been shifted and stilted so slightly that it doesn't look as though anything has changed, but everything feels completely and utterly wrong. It is uneven. Cruel.

Why does everything always go wrong?

Scars decorated his body, twisting and running their length down his chest. Like trash littered in an otherwise beautiful forest. Some were short, some long. Some were cleanly made and others seemed rushed.

My stomach churned and churned, threatening to spill its contents. I shifted away from Thomas, remiss the moment his fingers fell from my chest, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the bruises and cuts and scars that danced up his body, twisting and curving. The worst part of it was that some very much looked like they had been made perhaps a bit more than a week ago, and had been torn back open in that dizzyingly short span.

I wanted to hurt somebody. I looked upon Thomas's marred flesh and I wanted to inflict that same pain upon somebody. I had never considered myself violent before. Rash and impulsive, perhaps, but never openly belligerent. And now, all I wanted to do was tear someone open for what they had done to my Thomas, for the needless suffering they had caused.

Every moment I think I've seen the worst of it, and something new comes along to prove me wrong.

How am I supposed to handle this?

I took a deep breath to steady myself. I had to be calm, for Thomas's sake and mine. My thumb ran down one of the longer scars. It felt wrong.

Thomas's eyelids fluttered, as if the touch pulled him away from his dreams. Part of me longed for him to stay there, just to see him retain that gorgeous smile and know that nothing could ever drive it away. But he shifted softly, his hand searching for mine.

"'Lex?" he whispered softy, pressing himself closer. His eyes opened, and a small smile touched his face. I held his gaze, returned his smile with one of my own. "Good morning," he whispered, reaching up to kiss me.

"Morning, love," I returned, then let my gaze fall to his chest again. As strange as it was, I was captivated by the scars and the patterns they weaved. Horrified, but captivated all the same. Like when you see a tragedy, and you just cannot tear your eyes away.

Thomas's smile fell. "Is something wrong?" He glanced down, searching for what I had seen.

And a silence filled the room.

Thomas's eyes widened in fear as his hands shot up to cover his mouth.

"Alexander," he murmured after an instant. "I'm so sorry. I w-wanted to tell y-you, I r-really did! B-but I c-couldn't and I—"

"Thomas?"

Thomas pushed himself away from me, his fingers burning holes in my chest as he escaped the bed and stood up. He turned his back to me, refusing me from seeing his chest and his bruises.

"Thomas?" I repeated, my voice rising as I sat up. "Where are you going?"

He pulled on a shirt, and I momentarily felt my mouth go dry.

Holy shit he was hot in just a shirt and boxers.

Alexander! Focus on this for like five seconds! I scolded myself mentally.

"I'm sorry," he said, turning to leave.

"Thomas!" I exclaimed, shooting after him. The second I reached his side, I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him back. His back pressed against my chest, I kissed the dip in his neck, hugged him close. "It's okay! Baby, please. It's okay."

Thomas shifted himself so he was no longer resting in my arms. He hugged his body, gazing anywhere but at me. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to apologize for love, and you know that."

He nodded. I took his hands in mine and pulled them down, resting them on either side of his body. Thomas inhaled deeply, his head bowing in embarrassment.

"Can I see?" I asked, fingering the rim of his shirt.

Thomas paused, closing his eyes for a second before nodding his consent.

"Gonna need a vocal answer, love."

"Yeah. You can see."

I slowly slipped his shirt off of him and traced the scars with my fingers, unsure of how to proceed.

"Remember when I said last night that you were the strongest person I knew?"

Thomas nodded.

"That hasn't changed. In fact, this is only more proof." I paused. "I still think you're beautiful, love. That's not gonna change any time soon. I don't want to romanticize this at all, or make it seem like a good thing. Because it isn't. It's awful, what happened to you. But they don't change who you are or how much I love you, understand?"

He looked away.

"Did James... cut you whenever he was angry?"

Slowly, Thomas nodded, still refusing to meet my gaze. I sighed, and carefully reached up to hold his face in my hand. He turned his face against me, his lips pressing up against my palm. "I'm sorry. I wish you didn't have to see this," he whispered.

"I'm glad I did," I returned, just as soft. "And please believe me, my love, this absolutely does not change how I feel about you or anything that you've done. I'm so, so proud of you, okay? This is not your fault, and you should not feel the need to apologize for this. Okay?"

Thomas did not move.

"Thomas?"

"Okay," he returned. "Thank you, Alexander. I—I don't know what I'd be without you." And just like before, that small, beautiful smile eventually returned to his face. And the world became whole again.

I tugged him closer. "Can I kiss you, love?"

"Of course," he said, angling his face towards mine. I pressed my lips against his, working gently, then slowly, slowly, slowly, allowed my kisses to trail down his face, down the length of his neck, and to his body.

"Oh," Thomas gasped.

"Is this okay, love?"

"Yes—yes it's very nice," he returned, shifting so I could get a better angle.

And I kissed him, far gentler than I had the night before. I kissed his bruises and scars and cuts, and I kissed the skin still marked by the ghosts of those wounds, and I kissed the space that had not yet been touched. I kissed Thomas and poured every ounce of affection I could into it, praying that he could hear every single one of my thoughts as I did so.

Anywhere I could get to, I left those tantalizing, openmouthed kisses. I tried to make them as gentle and as careful as possible, knowing that this was probably very sensitive for him. But judging by the way he shifted, as if asking for more every time I slid away, it seemed as though he was enjoying himself. I smiled, and held his waist, my heart skipping a beat at the almost breathless laugh that broke free from his lips.

"Alexander," he said. "Alexander, that's so nice."

I laughed as well, pressing my mouth against his throat.

Thomas sighed in content after a few moments, and I could hear him humming happily. Though the exact song was a mystery and the lyrics unknown, it quickly became my favorite song, for it signaled the joy he felt, and the comfort he found underneath my mouth.

We stayed like that for a while, with me kissing him gently and him blissfully smiling. I delighted in the beautiful moans, the surprised squeaks, and ragged gasps that escaped his mouth. His neck proved to be rather sensitive, and I might have a left a mark or two there.

"I hope this lasts forever," he said finally, making me stop with the kissing and meet his gaze.

"Hmm?" I allowed myself a small, victorious smirk. "That good, huh?"

"I just... you and me. I've never been happier than when I'm with you. I really love you, Alexander. I'm so grateful for everything you've done for me."

"Well, baby, I guess I should kiss you like this more often," I murmured, sucking slowly on his neck, a bit more vigorous but only to hear that delighted gasp.

"I wouldn't mind..."

I smiled. "Love?"

"Yeah?"

"You finished that book you were reading, right? And you haven't gotten another one yet?"

His eyes lit up with glee and holy shit did they outshine the stars. "No! I haven't! Please please please be suggesting what I think you're suggesting!"

"Bookstore date?"

"Bookstore date!" he exclaimed.

I chuckled in amusement and slid to his side, wrapping my arms around his waist and forcing him to stay with me.

"Alexander let go of me!" he whined, struggling in my grip.

"What if I don't? What if I force you to deal with your addiction forever and keep kissing you, making you stay here with me?"

"Alexander, you are the worst!"

"Oh, but you love me anyway."

"Bookstore date," he repeated firmly.

I grinned. "Alright, love," I said, finally giving in and letting go of him.

He shot up like a bullet and rapidly moved around, pulling on clothing and brushing his hair as fast as possible. I reluctantly followed suit, much more content to kiss him then to get up and do stuff.

But if it meant seeing him smile, hearing him laugh, then I would be absolutely satisfied walking through a bookstore with him. As long as I got to hold his hand, match my stride for his, and experience life with my Thomas, then I was perfectly, perfectly happy.

"Come on!" he whined when he noticed how slowly I was going. "We have to go!"

When I finished getting ready, I entwined my hand with his. "Ready?"

He nodded furiously, his smile so wide and beautiful. Then, his face softened. "You deserve the world, Alexander."

I reached up to cup his face in my hands. "You're absolutely right love. But lucky for me, I got the universe."

I pressed a kiss to his lips, to quick for him to react. "Alright, love. Let's go buy you some books."