My first ever break up was in my junior year, I remember crying back home and meeting my dad sitting on a couch watching CNN news. I still remember the feeling, like I was pushed behind. knocking the wind out of my lungs in a sputtering fit of cough and gasp. my dad thought I was hurt. he flew from the couch, hugging me so tight. Just for me to tell him a broke up with me. for a flip second, I thought he will let me go, sit back on the couch, and lecture me on why I shouldn't be dating at this early age. instead, he hugged me again, used the pad of his thump to clean my eyes, tell me his little girl is growing and made me sit with him.

I told my dad later that day that the boy broke up with me because according to him, I wasn't good enough. my dad laughed and told me "Thank God he realized early that you're the angel that came into his life the demons inside him wouldn't cooperate with." then he held my face up, look into my eyes and say "Thank you for telling him how much of an asshole he is" I had laughed and told him I didn't tell him that but I wish I did. he ha whispered in my ear that one day I will meet someone that will see how beautiful and amazing his girl is and will never let go.

that stocked with from that day till date. I sat with him for the rest of the evening. He didn't judge me, he didn't tell me how a piece of a sit I am instead, he comforted me and made sure I was okay.

I wish he was in that flower house, I wish he is here in this car with me I would have told him that I gave my virginity to my best friend yesterday night. will he scream at me, or hit me? will he be so disappointed in me just like mom is right now? but no need to keep crying over spilled milk right?

I packed the car beside Ben's car. I didn't plan on driving here, I wanted to drive far away but my brain took charge and my legs followed without my permission. I'm glad his sedan is packed here, that tells that he's at home. I open the car door and rush down to Ben's room. I don't care what people say or who told my mom what anymore. the person I would have cared to know what he has to say is too dead to gain me when I needed him most. I just want to ask Ben if he still feels the same after last night. I push Ben's door open not bothering to knock.

The evening of the same day I cried to my dad, he told me a story about a girl that broke his heart. He didn't tell me the full story but he said she was his dream come true, and never complained about his insecurity but then he found out she was sleeping with someone else behind his back. I sat there on his lap, head resting on his chest still not able to breathe as I used to. Sinking.

Sinking, not being able to breathe. The world around me is screaming and spinning as I watch Jesi on her knee, Bens pant down to his ankle. I cat believe I lead myself into a hell that I wouldn't be able to come out of.

I want to scream but I have screamed enough, cried enough, ran enough that I don't even have it in me to move my legs.

"you know Ben," I first interrupt when he opens his mouth to say something. I'm done hearing what he has to say. the ones I have heard have done any good to me.

"Everyone warned me, especially Jesi but I was so blinded by the hatred I have for her to listen." I step into the room and close the door behind me. " what am I saying" I continued "it wasn't hatred, it was me knowing that she knows she's better than me and that you will never genuinely choose me over her and the part of my heart that wouldn't stop loving you even though I try wants to prove her wrong. do you know the worst part, is I letting it? me letting you lie to me over and over" I want to cry, I want to kneel and beg him to choose me but that isn't what my dad told me. he said the one who will choose me, run after me not the one I will keep running after.

"I have always known you will leave me soon or later but I let the voice that says later scream louder because of how stupid I am" Jesi still couldn't move. I walk closer to Ben taking the Wuthering heights from his shelve and opening it. then continued. "did you tell her that you broke my virginity on this bed not less than eleven hours ago?" the reaction on his face would have been satisfying if he's someone that has a heart. "well it doesn't matter now what matters is that I wouldn't get on the way anymore" I throw the book at him and turn to walk away, Bens door swings open and Zed walk in true the door. push Jesi to the flour and punch Ben right on the nose. Jesi was pushed very hard into the flour, Ben is now on the floor with a bloodied face, and Zed beat the hell out of him. I want to run and save him, I want to scream for Zed to stop but my leg wouldn't move and my mouth hung open.

After what feels like forever watching the worst scene of my life, Zed takes my hand and drags me out of the room down to the parking lot, opens the car door for me, and says " no questions" he closes the door, circles to the driver's seat and drive away.