I've never felt so pathetic in my entire life. So helpless and alone. And all of that because I opened my pie hole. Everything pointed to this moment but I stubbornly ignored all of them. I foolishly believed that happiness was in my destiny. Look where that got me.

Everywhere I go, I can feel the people looking right through me. My veil has been lifted and now they can watch me kill myself in the open. They can all see the darkness consume me bit by bit.

I sit at the window of my bedroom with The Chemical Romance's the world is ugly vibrating the room at the highest volume possible. Still I barely hear the words. The chilly breeze of November weather kisses my skin.

I don't think the world is ugly. In fact, it's beautiful. From the yellow leaves of autumn to the cold white nights of winter, from the small artificial ponds in the park to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It's all just one of a kind and nothing less of pure human bliss.

I'm the living plague walking on its pavement, devouring all good souls that come near me from the inside out. I can't be trusted to change because there's no changing for me.

One look at what I did to Darwin and I know I'm the disease they all desperately need to be cured of. I'm the only one who has committed a crime here. Many of other girls have went through the same thing I did but none of them are close to becoming like me. None of them have a soul as rotten as mine.

Steven is not the problem, my mother is not the monster. I am. I'm the monster and now I need to be put on a leash.

"Stop moping around," Kenny sounds as exasperated as ever. "Are you going to do it or not?"

Sarah and her have been pesting me around the entire morning. Like it's not bad enough that everyone has abandoned me once more. They all left, not one peep from anyone. I woke to an empty house with only the sound of the breeze passing through my window and the ticking of the clock as my only companion.

"I don't think you should jump," Sarah chimes in all of a sudden.

To say I'm confused would be an understatement. She's always been the most invested one of them in cheering me to just kill myself already.

"There's a chance you might survive," she continues. I can almost feel her grinning like a Cheshire cat in my head. "The pills are a safer bet that you won't miraculously fall on a safety net."

I purse my lips. "Well thanks, mom."

"Nope, I don't need that title anymore. One crazy mother is enough for one person to handle."

Kenny's irritatingly loud laugh rings in my ears, developing a new headache in just a few seconds.

I throw one last glance out the window, wishing I could seal the sunshine inside my heart. To be a sunshine. That's what I want – to be a sunshine for someone, for anyone.

I pick up my phone to text Brandon – the first person to ever call me a ray of sunshine. The last time I've heard from him, he said he was too busy with his job and his homework to attend the trial.

Bullshit.

The boy has forgotten who I am to him. I know him more than he think I know. I know when he's lying. I know when he's avoiding me like everybody else in my life.

I sit on the edge of the bed and text him a quick hey. My eyes fixate on the screen, waiting for a reply that never seems to be coming.

"Girl, just give up already." I can always count on Kenny to back me up on everything I do. "It's not like he ever cared about you in the first place."

"She's right." Sarah can never stop to hit me where it matters. "You and I both know he was just trying to save his skin when he told you he was going to be here for you. Obviously if he said he felt guilty about it, you wouldn't press charges against him too."

His reply lights up on the screen before I can fully absorb her words.

Hi. Sorry, can't talk right now. I'm in class. See you when I'm out.

"Yeah, when will he be out?" Kenny voices my question. "When you're six feet underground?"

"Let's do an experiment and see what happens." Trust Sarah to use everything and anything to make her case. "What more proof do you need Rachel? They don't want you."

She's right. None of them want to be near me. None of them want what I have to offer which is pure darkness. I wouldn't want me too if I was in their place.

I open the drawer to grab the pills they have foolishly trusted me with.

Yes daddy, you can trust me with the pills. I won't over abused them. I won't try to kill myself with them. You can trust me just like you trusted mom to not break your heart into a million pieces and sell it to the highest bidder without so much as an explanation.

Is it just me or does my dad just have bad luck with women? Or is just because he keeps going back to the same one?

In more than one way I'm the spitting image of my mother. Not just on the outside but we're both as rotten to the core as Frankenstein. I'm pretty sure Hades already have our space ready for us in his house. I should probably start loving the guy since the chances of us spending eternity together are kind of inevitable now.

I find the orange little bottle right next to the copy of The Scarlet Letter Dr. Frey had given me. Yet another person who's expecting the unachievable from me – be a better person.

When will they learn?

I take a deep breath before twisting the bottle cap. Laying inside calmly, the white little capsules mock me. I can almost hear them chanting how worthless I am.

Everyone know it. That's why they're running away from me. Foolishly, I tried to hold on to them without realizing the mayhem I was causing in the process.

Pathetic. That's what I am. I'm not meant to be alive on this planet. I destroy everything I touch, break anyone who tries to help me.

I need to stop. Why did I have to grow up? Everything used to be so fun, so perfect. Preschool, dinner with my parents, tea parties and kite flying with Brandon, and blissful oblivion. That's what I miss most of all – living in the unknown.

All those years I spent thinking that my worse problem was deciding which flavor of tea to serve or which one of my toys get to sleep with me for the night. All those times I spent totally oblivious to the sleeping dragon which was tied to my own soul.

I'd give anything to go back to those years when lies and cruelty were not what made up my personality.

I drop two capsules in my palms, watching the contrast of the snow white pills on my caramel skin.

"You need more than two to do it." Sarah can't find it in herself to let me die in peace.

Pushing my annoyance in the back of my mind, I focus on the contents in my palms. "But I can't swallow more than that at once."

"Fine, do it your way." She gives in with a small groan. "Just do it quick."

Without letting another thought run through my mind, I let the first two pills slide down my throat. Then the second pair. Then the third. The fourth pair lay in my palm, halfway to my mouth when someone grabs me and throw the entire bottle out of my reach.

"I told your dad not to let you have the entire bottle." Jenny grabs my throat and pinch my mouth, trying to make me spit the pills out. "Spit it out, Rachel."

Her fingers hold on so tight to my cheeks that my eyes start to water. "N-no."

"Rachel," she warns. "Don't play with me. Spit the pills out." I watch her eyes switch from determination to helplessness. "I'm not letting you take your own life like this."

Her voice slightly catches in her throat. I want to tell her that it's the right thing to do but I've lost my voice. All I can do is try to catch more air for my lungs to function.

I feel the edge of my dresser digging on my back and the cold wood making goosebumps line me skin.

Finally she lets my cheeks go, only to grab my arm. "We're going to the hospital."

I immediately pull back but my body slams in the dresser as soon as I take one step. The ache cause me to bow down and allow Jenny to drag me out of the apartment. I resume my struggling as soon as I get a handle on the pain but the woman is way stronger than me. In less than five minutes, we pull up in front of the emergency room entrance.

"Bitch!" Kenny snarls in my head. "You can't even die right."

Yes, the story of my life.

Why can't my family let me die? Why can't they let me do what's right for once? Now I'm going to have to suffer through another few weeks in this world which has no place for me.