Lan Wangji was disturbed from his meditation by the sound of something hitting the floor. In a blink he was standing with Bichen drawn, eyes searching for danger. He found Wei Ying, fallen from the bed but still tangled in the blanket, in a heap clutching the chamber pot and heaving into it. The sharp squeeze of his heart in response to Wei Ying's clear distress was a familiar pain. Lan Wangji searched the room carefully. It was unlikely there was an intruder, the answer to what disturbed his meditation clear, but Lan Wangji could not allow himself to turn his focus entirely to Wei Ying without ensuring the safety of their surroundings. Only once he confirmed with his senses full that there were no dangers in their space, only then did he sheath Bichen and crouch beside his love.

"Wei Ying," he whispered softly. A reassurance that he was there. A question about what was needed, what was wrong.

Wei Ying made a small sound of acknowledgement as he gasped for breath between heaves. Lan Wangji took it as permission and began to carefully pull back Wei Ying's hair. Wei Ying's hair had previously been braided loosely for sleep. Lan Wangji retrieved the ribbon where it was now more tangled in Wei Ying's hair rather than holding it. Gently, Lan Wangji finger combed the tangled strands, loosely weaving them together once more before tying them off with the ribbon. Wei Ying seemed to have calmed somewhat. Lan Wangji rubbed gentle circles into his back as he coughed.

"Fuck," Wei Ying breathed out on an exhausted sigh. With great effort he leveraged himself up enough to lean backwards against the bed. Lan Wangji took this as a sign that he was done being sick, at least for the moment. He set the water to heat, having grown cold during the night. At which point Lan Wangji realized that if he was heating water he might as well prepare another cup of ginger tea. It would at least help with settling Wei Ying's stomach.

Lan Wangji returned first with a wet cloth so Wei Ying could clean his face. Once the tea was prepared Lan Wangji had Wei Ying sip it slowly. Too fast might upset his stomach. Lan Wangji ached with the need to make things better. He focused on these small steps, until Wei Ying was able to tell him more. Some minutes later, Wei Ying pushed it away after only a few sips. Lan Wangji internally frowned, he wished Wei Ying had been able to finish it. Still, half was better than none. Lan Wangji set the cup on the nearby table. He waited for Wei Ying to say something, but Wei Ying was eerily silent.

"Should I call for Wei Qing?" Lan Wangji inquired. Wei Ying immediately shook his, then stopped, grimacing and taking slow deliberate breaths.

"No. It's not... It's not a health thing. Just... a bad dream." Wei Ying said haltingly. Lan Wangji wasn't certain what his face was doing, but Wei Ying laughed bitterly when he caught sight of it. "I know, I should be a professional at dealing with those by now."

"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji said in gentle reproval. He was about to say more. Something to remind Wei Ying that he was a good person, that it was okay to struggle. Before Lan Wangji had finished formulating exactly what he would say, Wei Ying spoke.

"Jiang Cheng didn't die in my last life." Wei Ying said quietly. Lan Wangji's half formed words evaporated. "Lan Zhan, he didn't die in my last life." Wie Ying's voice rose. "What am I doing?! I was trying to make things better. I couldn't save their parents, but I thought I could save Shijie. Jiang Cheng would still have his sister even if his parents were gone. And Shijie is alive, but was this the cost? Did I trade Jiang Cheng's life for Shijie's?! I'm happy she's alive. I'm so happy she's alive and I hate myself for it. What right did I have to trade Jiang Cheng's life for hers? Just because he was angry with me? Because we weren't as close anymore? He wasn't supposed to die!" Wei Ying sobbed and screamed.

Lan Wangji tried to pull Wei Ying into his arms, desperate to soothe the heart wrenching sobs. Wei Ying shoved him away.

"Don't touch me!" Wei Ying shouted. Then went so far as to scoot across the floor, creating space between them.

Lan Wangji held himself still as the words and distance struck him. It felt like a sword piercing his lungs. Sharp pain stealing his breath. It felt like thirty-three elders he had once respected drawing their swords on him and Wei Ying's voice screaming 'get lost, get lost, get lost.' Lan Wangji breathed carefully around the pain, hoping to keep it out of his voice. This was about Wei Ying. Lan Wangji could not make this about himself right now. This was about what Wei Ying needed.

"Wei Ying. It is not your fault." Lan Wangji said carefully. Careful to keep the ache from the space between them off of his face. Careful to keep the pain of remembered mistakes and rejections out of his voice.

"How would you know?!" Wei Ying shouted back. "Shijie died because of me in Nightless City. She's alive now, but Jiang Cheng is dead. He was supposed to survive all of it. Last time he survived all of it! I changed things. I made it different, and now he's dead." Wei Ying's voice was choked with tears, but they did nothing to stop his raging.

"Wei Ying, I know you. You did everything you could to protect them." Lan Wangji began in a voice he hoped was soothing.

"What could you possibly know?!" Wei Ying snapped, interrupting Lan Wangji before he could continue. "You think you know me now!" Wei Ying laughed bitterly. "You think you understand what happened. Because you've heard what I've said. But you weren't there! You didn't see what I did. When you were there to see, you hated me. You think you know now, but you can't. If you knew, if you had seen it yourself, you would hate me. You did hate me, and you were right to."

"I did not." Lan Wangji cut in firmly. Interrupting. He was interrupting. He would assign himself lines later.

"You say that," Wei Ying scoffed. Wei Ying did not believe him. Not just struggling to believe, as was decidedly a more common discussion between them. Wei Ying, now, did not even entertain it as a possibility.

This wasn't how Lan Wangji had wanted to have this conversation. He hadn't known how to tell Wei Ying that he was both the Lan Wangji he had fallen in love with in this life, and also the Lan Wangji that had fought him in Nightless. He had vague notions of waiting until Wei Ying was recovered. Perhaps once they were back in the Cloud Recesses. When they were all safe and Wei Ying's meridians fully healed. Before they wed, because Lan Wangji knew he could not wait until after before he gave Wei Ying the opportunity to decide if he could forgive the mistakes Lan Wangji had made in their last life.

Yet, if Lan Wangji allowed the lie of omission now, how could they ever have this conversation in the future? If Wei Ying could not accept the forgiveness of Jiang Yanli in this life... If he could not accept the words of a Lan Wangji who had not stood on the same battlefields... Lan Wangji swallowed, attempting to moisten his dry throat.

"I say it because I know." Lan Wangji said, his voice more steady than he felt. "I was there when Young Madam Jin died. In your grief you used the Yin Hufu, and when you collapsed I carried you away to safety."

"What?" Wei Ying wasn't shouting anymore. Instead he was blinking at him, wide eyed in confusion.

"Young Madam Jin gave her life to protect you because she loved you. To attribute her actions to yourself or others is disrespectful. She chose to protect you, and you avenged her death. Jiang Wanyin dishonored her sacrifice by blaming you for her death and leading the siege on the Burial Mounds. I regret that I only learned of the siege after the fact." Lan Wangji said, his voice growing quiet as he remembered the moment he'd been told that Wei Ying was dead. The race to the Burial Mounds, desperately hoping to save something, anything. The blood soaking through his bandages, his robes.

"That's not... You didn't..." Wei Ying stumbled over his words.

"I did not hate you." Lan Wangji continues. If nothing else he needs Wei Ying to know this. To know that Lan Wangji never hated him.

"Lan Zhan?" Wei Ying asked quietly. His voice sounded strange, Lan Wangji didn't know what that tone meant. "When... When did you remember?" Wei Ying asked, looking down at his hands.

"After you were taken." Lan Wangji answered. He ached to have Wei Ying in his arms again, but Wei Ying had pushed him away. Lan Wangji would not force his presence on him.

"How much?" Wei Ying asked, his voice sounded oddly worried.

"All of it. I was... in seclusion." Lan Wangji said with slight hesitation. "Xiongzhang informed me of your death. The last thing I remember is searching the burial mounds." It was true, if not entirely forthcoming.

"Then... you know," Wei Ying waved his hand vaguely.

"I know that you fought harder, and sacrificed more than any of us to end the war. I know that after the war you were the only one righteous enough to protect the innocent. I did not know then everything that you gave up. I thought your core must be damaged. I thought if I could bring you to Gusu, I could find a way to heal you." Lan Wangji understood now how incredibly foolish he had been.

"Heal me?" Wei Ying was looking at him with wide eyes again. "You wanted me to go to Gusu... so that you could heal me?"

The question stung, but was well deserved. Lan Wangji was perfectly eloquent, but reticent. He gave answers and asked questions concisely. Perfect for nighthunt reports, exams, and scholarly debates. And woefully inadequate for communicating his concern and affection for the love of his life. Lan Wangji said, 'Come to Gusu,' and meant come to Gusu with me, where I can protect you, where I can help you heal and hide you from everyone who wishes you harm.

"I thought that in Gusu, I would be able to protect you. That you could heal in peace. I failed to make my intentions clear." Lan Wangji confessed, the familiar feeling of shame welling up inside him.

"I wasn't exactly listening." Wei Ying muttered. "I didn't give you a chance to explain yourself." Wei Ying peaked up at him through his eyelashes.

"You were hurting." Lan Wangji replied.

"Guess that hasn't changed." Wei Ying huffed. Lan Wangji eyed Wei Ying carefully.

"I regretted much in my last life. I regretted not making myself clear. I regretted that I did not stand at your side."

"What would that have done? Made you a target too?" Wei Ying demanded indignantly.

"You were the love of my life. Regardless of the consequences, I should have been standing at your side. I learned that too late in our last life. If Wei Ying will still have me, I wish to remain at your side every day in this one." Lan Wangji said bowing to Wei Ying, both apology and plea. Wei Ying should have the choice. This was not the Lan Wangji he had originally betrothed himself to. Lan Wangji was both him and the Lan Wangji Wei Ying had believed hated him. Wei Ying deserved to decide whether he could still love him. Lan Wangji's contemplation was broken by the most undignified squawk he had ever heard.

"Lan Zhan! What are you doing?!" Wei Ying shrieked, his voice was unusually high. "Get up, right this instant." Wei Ying demanded, yanking on Lan Wangji's arms. Lan Wangji allowed himself to be tugged back up to a sitting position. He was selfishly pleased that one of Wei Ying's hands had remained on his arm.

"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji said softly. He loved this man so much.

"You shouldn't be bowing to me. 'If I'll still have you...'" Wei Ying imitated Lan Wangji's words back to him. "That doesn't even make sense. I should be asking you that." Wei Ying said, picking at the embroidery on Lan Wangji's sleeve. "You didn't know what you were getting into when you accepted the betrothal, not like you do now. Don't do the honourable thing here. You saved us. It's enough. You shouldn't be... stuck with me... Now that you remember. I'll understand."

Lan Wangji swallowed the stab of hurt. Wei Ying pushed people away, because he thought they'd be better without him. Not because he wanted them to leave. Lan Wangji knew this. The Lan Wangji of this life... and the Lan Wangi he was now... he knew this.

"Wei Ying," Lan Wangji breathed his beloved's name like it was a prayer. He cupped one of Wei Ying's cheeks with his free hand, leaving the arm that Wei Ying was still touching in place. "I love you. I love you now. I loved you then."

"Oh." Wei Ying stuttered quietly. His eyes were wide and glassy. Lan Wangji gently brushed his thumb over Wei Ying's cheek. "I... I don't deserve you."

"False." Lan Wangji replied, his voice gentle but firm.

"Jiang Cheng died because of me." Wei Ying persisted.

"False." Lan Wangji repeated.

"Lan Zhan. Be reasonable here. You saw... you know what I was like before. I've tried to change. I've tried to protect everyone who... But Jiang Cheng is dead now, and before he wasn't." Wei Ying's eyes dimmed and his gaze shifted away, but he didn't pull away from the hand cradling his cheek.

"Wei Ying, You alone have not made changes. Wei Qing has made changes. I have made changes. Are we not equally responsible then?" Lan Wangji inquired.

"That's not... It's not the same." Wei Ying muttered.

"Mn. It is not the same because you do not blame us, only yourself." Lan Wangji replied.

"Lan Zhan," Wei Ying sounded exasperated, and tired.

"Jiang Yanli told you herself. The ones responsible are Xue Yang, Jin Gaungshan, and Jin Guangyao." Lan Wangji said before Wei Ying could argue further.

"It feels like it's my fault." Wei Ying whispered.

"You are allowed to grieve. You can grieve him, and wish you could have saved him. But the responsibility lies elsewhere. He will be avenged, and he will be mourned."

"What right do I have to mourn him? We were barely speaking to each other. I don't think he ever forgave me." Wei Ying continued in the same sad whisper.

"You loved him. You grew up with him, and cared about him. You can mourn him." Lan Wangji asserted.

"You didn't even like him." Wei Ying mumbled.

"I did not." Lan Wangji acknowledged. Wei Ying snorted a small laugh in response. Before growing quiet again.

"Jin Guangyao fled." Wei Ying said slowly. "What if... What if I want to find him?"

"Then I will accompany you." Lan Wangji replied without hesitation. Wei Ying opened his mouth to say something only to interrupt himself with a jaw cracking yawn.

"Maybe... Maybe not tonight." Wei Ying got out around another, smaller yawn.

"Mn." Lan Wangji acknowledged. He scooped Wei Ying into his arms, eliciting a surprised squeak.

"Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying's voice took on familiar over dramatic tones. "I could stand you know." Wei Ying asserted in mock offence.

"Mn." Lan Wangji hummed noncommittally.

"Brute. Just picking me up and hauling me around." Wei Ying muttered while cuddling against his chest. Lan Wangji gazed at him for a moment before continuing to set him gently on the bed. He retrieved the blanket from the floor and tucked it carefully around his beloved. Wei Ying caught his wrist as he was about to straighten up. "Stay?" Wei Ying asked in a small voice.

"Mn." Lan Wangji leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. "Do you want more tea first?" Lan Wangji asked softly. Wei Ying shook his head.

"Just, hold me?" Wei Ying asked, a faint blush turning his cheeks pink. Lan Wangji climbed into the bed beside him. It took a bit of manoeuvring before Wei Ying settled. He finally ended up mostly on top of Lan Wangji, clinging to him while wrapped in Lan Wangji's arms. "Lan Zhan?" Wei Ying called softly.

"I'm here." Lan Wangji replied. He gently rubbed Wei Ying's back.

"I didn't... I didn't say it clearly earlier. So just... I love you too. I love you, and I want to marry you. I'd marry you right now!" Wei Ying's voice grew abruptly louder as he confessed. Lan Wangji was suddenly not the least bit interested in sleeping, despite it being the middle of the night. He imagined eloping with Wei Ying right that moment and then continuing onto the Cloud Recesses. He let out a small sigh.

"Wei Ying needs rest first. In the morning." Lan Wangji compromised.

"Of course, it wouldn't be proper to... IN THE MORNING?!" Wei Ying's voice was even louder than usual.

"Mn. Wei Ying needs proper sleep." Lan Wangji reiterated. Much as he would like to marry Wei Ying right that second, he didn't want to sacrifice Wei Ying's health.

"That's not what I... ughhh. You're a menace." Wei Ying muttered as he flopped dramatically against Lan Wangji's chest. "How am I supposed to sleep now?"

Lan Wangji placed another gentle kiss on his forehead and scritched gently at Wei Ying's scalp. 

"Menace," Wei Ying muttered softly.

"Mn." Lan Wangji hummed fondly.

Wei Ying melted into Lan Wangji's touch. Lan Wangji hummed their song softly, continuing the soothing motion of his hand until he felt Wei Ying's muscles relax with sleep. For all that the night had been stressful, Lan Wangji felt more relaxed now than he'd been in months. For the first time since he woke up with the memories of two lives at war inside his mind, he finally felt whole. Wei Ying was safe. Wei Ying had forgiven his mistakes. Wei Ying loved him. Wei Ying wanted to marry him.  

He was the Lan Wangji that Wei Ying wanted to marry. 

Note: I can't make any promises currently on when the next chapter might be up.  I don't want to make myself put up chapters just for the sake of having an ending. So my posting of future chapters is at the mercy of when I can get the motivation/inspiration to work on this story so that I can write something I am satisfied with.