They ate on the bed. Wei Wuxian wiggled his arms free so he could actually hold his own bowl and chopsticks. He had seriously considered making Lan Wangji feed him the entire meal. It was a tempting idea, but Wei Wuxian decided to save it for another time. He already felt spoiled by waking up so comfortably, and with Lan Wangji staying in bed with him for so long.

Once they finished eating, Lan Wangji re-tucked the blanket around Wei Wuxian's arms. Wei Wuxian felt a little ridiculous, but not enough to tell Lan Wangji 'no.' Not when Wei Wuxian had spent so many days anxious and distressed. Not when being wrapped up and held like this made him feel so safe and secure.

"Wei Ying." Lan Wangji began softly. "I wish to talk about how you have been taking care of yourself, and what we will do in the future. Do you believe this is something you can talk about now?" Lan Wangji kept his voice calm, but Wei Wuxian could hear a small thread of hesitance. As though Lan Wangji were worried that posing this question would distress Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian kind of expected the question to distress him. Oddly enough he found himself tensing in anticipation for a rush of anxiety that never came. Wei Wuxian mentally poked at the small undercurrent of anxiety and discovered that it was in fact only him being anxious about an emotional response he was expecting himself to have. A response that was notably not happening.

"I think... I'm actually okay to talk about it." Wei Wuxian said tentatively. "I'm a little worried that I am going to suddenly start panicking and freaking out... but that hasn't happened yet. So... go for it while we have the chance?" Wei Wuxian tried to sound cheerful about it, but he was pretty sure the anxiety about becoming anxious was growing, leaking into his voice.

Wei Wuxian was becoming incredibly annoyed with his own mind. He was finally not freaking out. Was he seriously about to freak out about the fact that he was not freaking out? The arm around Wei Wuxian suddenly squeezed him tighter. Lan Wangji's other arm came up and began to comb through Wei Wuxian's hair. The pressure and soothing touch released something. The slowly building anxiety began to slip away.

"If Wei Ying becomes distressed during the discussion we will stop." Lan Wangji said firmly. Wei Wuxian buried his face in Lan Wangji's neck.

"You beautiful wonderful man. What did I do to deserve someone so patient and caring?" Wei Wuxian mumbled. A kiss landed on Wei Wuxian's temple.

"Wei Ying is Wei Ying. That is all I have ever needed." Lan Wangji said softly. Wei Wuxian let out a prolonged groaning noise that sounded a bit like a dying goose.

"Lan Zhan~," Wei Wuxian whined. "You can't say things like that! My heart can't possibly take it!" Wei Wuxian exclaimed.

"Wei Ying's heart is strong." Lan Wangji said with a soft smile gently pulling at his lips.

"No... It definitely isn't." Wei Wuxian said with a huff. Lan Wangji leaned down and bit the exposed sliver of Wei Wuxian's collarbone. Wei Wuxian squeaked in surprise.

"Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian cried in outrage.

"Wei Ying will not speak negatively of himself. Wei Ying has endured immeasurable suffering and still continues to love and care with his whole heart. Wei Ying's heart is strong even when it is breaking." Lan Wangji said, his gaze intense.

Wei Wuxian felt trapped by the gaze of those pale sunlight eyes. Wei Wuxian had spent so much of his life pretending. Pretending to be whatever he thought he needed to be. Intimidating. Confident. Most especially he spent a lot of time pretending to not be bothered by things. Not be bothered by insults. Not be bothered by rumours. Not be bothered by being yelled at. Not be bothered by being blamed. He'd smile and joke and pretend that all the bad things rolled off of him like water off of a duck's back. He tried to convince himself that it didn't matter, and didn't hurt.

Lan Wangji's gaze sliced through all of it. Lan Wangji made him feel seen. Right now, that made him feel safe. It filled Wei Wuxian with comfort. There was a certainty there, that even if Wei Wuxian was falling back into bad habits, Lan Wangji would see through his bullshit. Lan Wangji would see him, and Lan Wangji would take care of him when Wei Wuxian couldn't admit to himself that he needed it.

Wei Wuxian melted against Lan Wangji, resting his head on Lan Wangji's shoulder. A contented sigh slid out with the vanishing tension from Wei Wuxian's body. He was safe. He was warm and held securely. And Lan Wangji would be able to see through if he started trying to pretend he was fine when he wasn't. If he spiralled, Lan Wangji would catch him.

"Okay Lan Zhan. What do you want to talk about first?" Wei Wuxian asked with a soft sigh.

"You have not been sleeping." Lan Wangji stated simply. Wei Wuxian frowned.

"That feels like an exaggeration." Wei Wuxian protested lightly. A fond sigh ruffled Wei Wuxian's hair.

"Wei Ying, you have regularly been staying away late into the night. You have not been eating all your meals with me. When you do not eat with me, do you eat? Your nightmares have gotten worse lately. As you continue to go to sleep later, and have more disrupted sleep... You are not sleeping enough." Lan Wangji's voice was firm as he spoke.

Wei Wuxian knew it took effort for Lan Wangji to talk so much, and he should probably be trying to make this conversation easier on Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian swallowed back the reflexive desire to dodge and protest.

"I'm sorry." Wei Wuxian said quietly. Lan Wangji scratched soothingly at Wei Wuxian's scalp.

"I do not want Wei Ying's apology. Nor do I want Wei Ying to feel guilty." Lan Wangji said as he continued to comb through Wei Wuxian's hair. "I want Wei Ying to eat all his meals with me. Even if Wei Ying needs to go back to sleep after breakfast." Lan Wangji added the rest with a small undercurrent of humour in his voice.

"Uggghhhh. You want me to wake up all bright and early to eat breakfast at Lan time?" Wei Wuxian whined, although there was no real force behind the protest.

It wasn't like Wei Wuxian was thrilled about waking up early to eat. He was distinctly not thrilled. However, it did feel like the least he could do when all Lan Wangji really wanted was for Wei Wuxian to take care of himself. Something Wei Wuxian was historically bad at, and admittedly had not been doing very well with lately.

"Mn." Lan Wangji affirmed. "I would also like Wei Ying to stay after dinner, and not return to working on cursed artifacts. Wei Ying can work on other things in our room."

Wei Wuxian can't even pretend to be put out by that request. Wei Wuxian in his right mind should absolutely prefer to spend his evening in Lan Wangji's coming. Working on whatever he would like, or playing with A-Yuan and Nuan-er.

Wei Wuxian feels like he must be a terrible parent. With how much he has been avoiding Lan Wangji, it has inadvertently meant spending less time with A-Yuan and Nuan-er. Wei Wuxian wonders if they feel like he is abandoning them, and his heart squeezes painfully.

"A-Yuan and Nuan-er must be so upset," Wei Wuxian spoke in a pained voice.

"You spent time with them every day while I was busy." Lan Wangji points out.

Wei Wuxian thought that was probably supposed to make him feel better. A reminder to him that he still saw them every day. Instead Wei Wuxian felt like he was even more of an asshole to his future husband. What must it have felt like for Lan Wangji to know Wei Wuxian was coming around to see A-Yuan and Nuan-er specifically when Lan Wangji was gone?

"I've been a real asshole lately. You didn't deserve that." Wei Wuxian mutters apologetically. The hand that has been repetitively combing through Wei Wuxian's hair stops.

"Wei Ying. You have been struggling. You are allowed to be struggling. This conversation should have happened sooner. That is as much my responsibility as it is yours. We will do better from now on. That is what matters the most." Lan Wangji said firmly. Wei Wuxian gazed up into clear winter sunlight eyes, and fell in love with this beautiful stubborn man all over again.

"I love you, Lan Zhan. I love you and... I need you so much. I need you to look at my disaster of a brain, and the messes I make, and tell me that you love me." Wei Wuxian's voice is full of quiet awe.

Lan Wangji smiles. All of Lan Wangji's smiles are small. Most of them are more like a tiny upturn of his lips that would not be a smile on anyone else, but is basically a grin on Lan Wangji. This is a smile anyone would call a smile. They might think it was a small smile, but Wei Wuxian knows Lan Wangji. So this smile is like the blinding glare of sunlight on fresh snow.

"Wei Ying. I love you. And I want to marry you." Lan Wangji said, like it was a normal thing to say. As though Wei Wuxian's brain didn't still struggle with the notion that Lan Wangji would ever want to claim him publicly. Wei Wuxian took a few breaths to steady himself.

"If we set a date..." Wei Wuxian began slowly, painfully aware that he is the one who has been avoiding talking about this. Doubly aware that it is not fair for Lan Wangji to not know why Wei Wuxian is terrified to even talk about setting a date for them to marry. "I am not sure this is going to make sense so please bear with me?" Wei Wuxian says in a rush. He still glances up at Lan Wangji hopefully.

"Mn." Lan Wangji nods firmly.

Wei Wuxian supposes if Lan Wangji weren't incredibly patient he probably would have been exhausted by Wei Wuxian already. Wei Wuxian vaguely wonders if Lan Wangji would consider that to be thinking negatively about himself. Wei Wuxian had taken it as a fact that he is a lot, like as a person. He assumes it to be a fact that people have to put up with his exhausting presence, but that is kind of negative isn't it? Like people might only be able to enjoy his presence in small doses before he is just too much?

Wei Wuxian feels like this is an epiphany he should have probably had like four years ago. And probably not when he was wrapped up like a human spring roll. But apparently this was what today had in store for him. Wei Wuxian is going to try really hard to be okay with that while he tries to explain to the man he loves why he is terrified to actually schedule their wedding.

"If we set a date... it's like there is an expiration date. I know the point is to be together forever, but it makes everything more real. And then it becomes something... something I can lose. Something that can be taken away..." Wei Wuxian's voice started to crack. A warm kiss landed on Wei Wuxian's forehead.

"Is this related to being afraid to go to Gusu?" Lan Wangji asked quietly. Wei Wuxian took a steadying breath.

"Before the war. When we were in Cloud Recesses together. You gave me robes embroidered with clouds. We worked on the wards. And after the attack, even when the elders didn't like what I said to the kids... They still didn't... I wasn't an outsider. It was like having a place. Even if the elders didn't like everything I did I still felt like I was part of everything." Wei Wuxian cannot describe how precious that time was. That tentative feeling of belonging, like a space was being made for him.

Wei Wuxian had always been someone who twisted himself to try and fit where he could. Never feeling like he quite got it right, but trying all the same. No one had ever made a space for Wei Wuxian to belong in. No one before Lan Wangji, and Wei Wuxian was so afraid that he would return to find that space gone. Cloud Recesses was maybe willing to accommodate Wei Wuxian, but the Yiling Laozu was clearly too much.

"I don't... I can't believe that anyone will tolerate me. The war is over. I am a demonic cultivator. They could use me while they needed my power. But they don't need me anymore, and they won't tolerate me. I lost everything. I've lost everything so many times. Every time I think there is nothing left to lose I find I am wrong. I lose whatever is left, or whatever I have scraped together. I can't... I can't lose another home. I can't see a place where I started to belong taken away from me, because I'm too tainted to belong there anymore. I know that you love me. I know that you accept me. But can your Shufu accept me? Your elders? Can GusuLan sect's three thousand rules accommodate a demonic cultivator?" Wei Wuxian's face was covered with tears. He was smiling at Lan Wangji. A pained helpless smile because Wei Wuxian loved this man, and this man loved him, but that didn't mean anything to the rest of the world.

Lan Wangji kissed the tears from Wei Wuxian's face. Then stole Wei Wuxian's breath in a long kiss. He held the side of Wei Wuxian's face, and Wei Wuxian felt warm and safe even as he felt sad and scared. He didn't believe he could have a home and a future. But he believed Lan Wangji loved him and thought Wei Wuxian could have those things. And Wei Wuxian thought there was a tiny chance that Lan Wangji might be right and Wei Wuxian might be wrong. Lan Wangji was very smart. It was, maybe, possible.

"We will return to Cloud Recesses first. I believe Wei Ying belongs there, but I know Wei Ying belongs with me. If Wei Ying does not feel at home in Cloud Recesses. Then we will marry and go elsewhere." Lan Wangji said firmly.

Wei Wuxian opened his mouth to protest. To insist that he couldn't take Lan Wangji away from his home. But Wei Wuxian wanted a future with Lan Wangji, and Lan Wangji wanted a future with him. Wei Wuxian might be willing to hurt himself, but he wasn't willing to hurt Lan Wangji.

"Just promise... You won't sacrifice your happiness for me? If... If Cloud Recesses doesn't want me, but you don't want to leave it forever. We can... We can come up with something, can't we? It doesn't have to be me or your sect?" Wei Wuxian asked tentatively. Lan Wangji kissed Wei Wuxian's forehead.

"It is our sect, and we will talk about it. You will talk if you do not feel accepted. I will talk before making any big decisions. We will find an answer that makes both of us happy." Lan Wangji says firmly. Wei Wuxian releases a deep breath that feels like it came from the bottom of his soul. And Wei Wuxian realizes that he believes Lan Wangji. When Lan Wangji says they will find an answer they can both be happy with. Even if it might not be their first choice.

"Lan Zhan?" Wei Wuxian speaks softly.

"Mn." Lan Wangji hummed, and it felt like Lan Wangji was saying, 'I am listening.'

"I want a home." Wei Wuxian says quietly. "I want a place where I can feel safe. Where I can just be Wei Wuxian, and not have to be a certain version of me. I just... I want a home and a family I can keep." There are tears sliding down his cheeks again. Lan Wangji holds him close.

"Wei Ying will have it. If Cloud Recesses cannot be that place, then we will make a place of our own. We will make a home where we can be a family, and it will be enough." Lan Wangji said firmly. Wei Wuxian does not think he could possibly love this man anymore than he already does, but everything Lan Wangji does and says makes Wei Wuxian want to try.