Wei Wuxian was standing in the middle of their tent. Suibian gripped tightly in his hand, each knuckle gone white with force. He stared at it intently, his thumb moving across the ridges of the engraved characters of its name. The gesture is both fierce and reverent.

"Someone asked to spar with me." Wei Wuxian said at last.

Lan Wangji did not say anything to this. He waited patiently for Wei Wuxian to continue. Wei Wuxian was holding in his emotions. Once he started to put things into words everything would move faster. First his words, then his emotions, and then finally Wei Wuxian would be able to hear and accept comfort. Lan Wangji was confident enough in their relationship that he could keep himself calm and wait. Wei Wuxian would tell him when he was ready, and Wei Wuxian would not keep anything from him long term.

"In my first life, everyone asked me about Suibian." Wei Wuxian said quietly. "It was constant. Every event. Every greeting. It was always... 'Where's Suibian?' 'Where's your sword?' 'Why aren't you carrying your sword?' Over and over. Always the same questions. Always feeling like a slap across my face."

Lan Wangji felt a dull ache in his chest. He already knew that one of those voices had been his. No matter how well meaning Lan Wangji had been, those words would have still stung. The Lan Wangji of then did not know Wei Wuxian could not use Suibian.

Unlike now, Suibian had been lost. The sword skills Wei Wuxian loved. The cultivation he had worked hard for and taken such pride in. They were all gone and every day Wei Wuxian was reminded of that over and over with every question about where his sword was.

"People said so much about me, just because I didn't carry Suibian. They acted like I was going out of my way to personally snub them. Like I was trying to insult the entire cultivation world in one go. Somehow I was both incredibly arrogant, but also had no pride as a cultivator. Then people would start using me to insult the YunmengJiang sect."

Wei Wuxian winced at his own words. A pained grimace as his hands shook with anger. Lan Wangji felt a sharp ache in his chest. Wei Wuxian was so protective of his family, his sect. Whether it was the family he made in the Burial Mounds or the people he had been surrounded by at Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian was completely devoted and fiercely protective. Nothing hurt more than the implication that he was bringing his family harm.

Wei Wuxian was always thinking about those he cared about. He used to focus on protecting them from others. Until the Lotus Pier Massacre during his first life. The day that Wei Wuxian's heart shattered and every spiteful word he had weathered over the years engraved themselves into his soul. That was when Wei Wuxian started to guard his family not just from outsiders, but from himself.

Wei Wuxian accepted the mantle of being a stain. He created distance between himself and his family in public. He dressed separately from them. His black and red attire visually disconnected him from the YunmengJiang sect. Denounced connection between them and his own actions. An effort to protect them that must have been painful for someone who had only ever wanted to be loved, to belong, and to do the right thing.

"I was never able to make it stop last time. The talk about where Suibian was... Why wasn't I carrying it? All the way up until everyone wanted me dead..." Wei Wuxian's voice fell quiet towards the end of that sentence. Lan Wangji watched Wei Wuxian take a slow breath to centre himself. "I'm trying to do better with this life. If not carrying Suibian was such a problem, I figured I'd just need to carry it. I still have my golden core. I can use it. There's no danger in carrying Suibian."

Wei Wuxian began to pace. Suibian was still gripped tightly, but Wei Wuxian's free hand began to move and gesture as Wei Wuxian spoke. His steps grew steadily faster and the movements of his hand more free.

"Some cultivator wanted to have a 'friendly match'." Wei Wuxian's inflection changed to indicate he was using someone else's words. "I'm pretty sure people said the same thing last time. That they wanted a friendly match and were so disappointed that I couldn't indulge them without Suibian. The guy was such an ass. People call me arrogant, but have they met the Jins? I swear they all think the sun shines out of their butts." Wei Wuxian muttered irritably.

Lan Wangji choked on something close to a laugh that felt like it was punched out of him. Wei Wuxian raised an eyebrow at him. There was a quirk to his lips and a glint in his eyes, Wei Wuxian's mischievousness bleeding through. Something pleased and happy peeking through all the other emotions for a brief moment, like a break in the clouds of an overcast sky.

"So I fought. I even went easy. I figured he'd be pissed if I just straight up humiliated him. So I pretended I was instructing a junior. I fought closer to his level. Gave him a chance to practice. Gave him a chance to watch what I was doing. After what felt like a reasonable amount of time I disarmed him and won." Wei Wuxian took a slow breath in and out. "I'm not saying I expected him to be a graceful loser, but..."

Wei Wuxian stopped pacing. Where he stopped left him standing in the middle of their tent. His body angled away from Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian was quiet for a moment, seeming to breath carefully around the words momentarily stuck in his throat.

"I carried Suibian. ," Wei Wuxian continued in a quiet voice. "I agreed to a sparring match when asked... Somehow it still comes back to how disgraceful I am. It's always rude, arrogant, and disrespectful Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian, who practices wicked tricks and has no honor. Wei Wuxian, Yiling Laozu, Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, and stain on the cultivation world. Wei Wuxian who doesn't know his place and brings nothing but disaster." Wei Wuxian began to tremble, this time it was not with anger. He wrapped his arms around his middle, shoulder hunching.

Lan Wangji closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian didn't resist or try to pull away. He stayed frozen in the embrace, held from behind by Lan Wangji. The trembling progressed to more violent shaking. Silent sobs that Wei Wuxian was trying to suppress.

"What am I supposed to do? I'm trying. I'm trying to do everything right, but I still get it wrong." Wei Wuxian gasped. "Am I supposed to let people die? Am I supposed to just use my sword? Let our soldiers die faster? Let the Sunshot campaign fail? Is that supposed to be the right thing? To let the YunmengJiang sect be destroyed and allow the GusuLan sect to be destroyed or subjugated? I'm carrying my sword. I participate in stupid sparring matches with people I don't even like and now the problem is I don't use Suibian during battles?"

Lan Wangji turned Wei Wuxian to face him before wrapping him back into a tight embrace. He guided Wei Wuxian's head to his shoulder. Wei Wuxian was still for a moment, trembling with repressed tears. Then the dam broke. Wei Wuxian's tears began to fall and the sobs shook Wei Wuxian's body anew.

Wei Wuxian clung to Lan Wangji as Lan Wangji slowly began to walk backwards to bring Wei Wuxian to the bed. Carefully, Lan Wangji lowered both of them down to sit. It was slightly awkward. They had to briefly move apart to reposition themselves. Wei Wuxian kept his face averted and Lan Wangji cooperated and did not draw attention to Wei Wuxian's tears.

Eventually they were settled. Wei Wuxian in Lan Wangji's lap, folding himself up so he could be cradled in Lan Wangji's arms. Lan Wangji rubbed Wei Wuxian's back quietly. He waited until the shaking lessened before speaking. What Lan Wangji would have to say was likely going to make Wei Wuxian cry again, but he was hopeful that it would be the kind of tears that released the emotions and tension from your body.

"I don't think it is about Suibian." Lan Wangji said quietly. Wei Wuxian sniffled quietly, taking a slow breath to calm himself before speaking.

"What do you mean?" Wei Wuxian asked. Lan Wangji hesitated, afraid his words would remind Wei Wuxian of painful things. Lan Wangji took a slow breath.

"The things they have said to Wei Ying. They are much like your first life." Lan Wangji said carefully. Wei Wuxian grimaced, but nodded his head.

"Yah. Before I was disgraceful because I didn't carry my sword. Now I'm disgraceful because I am not using it in combat." Wei Wuxian replied.

"Do they think you are disgraceful, or are they jealous that they cannot do what Wei Ying can do?" Lan Wangji inquired. Wei Wuxian opened his mouth to immediately refute this, then paused. A contemplative frown formed on Wei Wuxian's face, his brows scrunched in thought.

"I... Are we sure? I've been through some shit and I am well known to be at least a bit rude." Wei Wuxian offers this, almost like he needs to offer up at least one more alternative. Lan Wangji raises an eyebrow. Wei Wuxian sighs. "If... if it's only because they are jealous... What do I do?" Wei Wuxian asked quietly. "If I don't use demonic cultivation people will die. I'm not exaggerating right? Without demonic cultivation the Sunshot campaign will fail?" Wei Wuxian is looking at Lan Wangji. Anxious and expectant eyes watch Lan Wangji, looking for reassurance. Looking for someone to tell him whether or not he is doing the right thing because too many people have told him he is not.

"Wei Ying is correct. Without demonic cultivation we would have failed already." Lan Wangji replied firmly. Wei Wuxian sighed in relief, but his frown deepened.

"So I am doing the right thing, but no one is happy about it..." Wei Wuxian mutters quietly. "I... I can understand petty and arrogant sect leaders, and Jins (they are arrogant enough to get their own category) harassing me. I'm not even from a gentry family. I'm supposed to be a nobody, instead I'm half carrying the Sunshot campaign. Right now it is only the most stuck up ones harassing me. It'll get worse once the war ends. When I am no longer needed." He stared vacantly at the wall of their tent.

"Is it... is it stupid that this feels worse? At least when I thought it was about Suibian I thought I could fix it. I could carry Suibian and then there wouldn't be a problem anymore. Instead the same people just find new reasons to accuse me of the same things. Although I guess you don't look at me like I am going to go crazy and hurt people. I don't think that's because of carrying Suibian though." Wei Wuxian grimaced as he spoke, like the words came out before he really thought about them and he didn't like the way they sounded. Lan Wangji kissed the top of Wei Wuxian's head lightly.

"The Lan Wangji of your first life did not know why Wei Ying practised Demonic Cultivation. That Lan Wangji did not know how to tell Wei Ying what he felt. That Lan Wangji would be afraid for Wei Ying. Afraid that Wei Ying was hurt. Afraid that Wei Ying was further and further away. That Lan Wangji did not know how to say that they loved Wei Ying. That Lan Wangji did not know how to explain that he was afraid of losing Wei Ying, and afraid of Wei Ying being hurt. That Lan Wangji only knew how to talk about cultivation. Suibian. What he knew of resentful energy. A request to return to Cloud Recesses. What that Lan Wangji meant to say, is not the words that he used. That Lan Wangji was trying to say, 'I am worried. I don't want you to be hurt. I want to help. Can I keep you safe?'"

Lan Wangji watched Wei Wuxian's eyes fill with awe, like Lan Wangji was something strange and wonderful. Lan Wangji could understand that feeling. He felt it himself frequently when he was in Wei Wuxian's presence.

"This Lan Wangji is happy he can fight by Wei Ying's side. This Lan Wangji is happy he can hold Wei Ying like this. This Lan Wangji is very happy he can tell Wei Ying, 'I love you.'" Lan Wangji said intently.

Wei Wuxian's face grew redder and redder. By the time Lan Wangji finished speaking, Wei Wuxian had buried his face in his hands and was practically vibrating with energy and embarrassment. Wei Wuxian made a noise in the back of his throat that was somewhere between a groan and a squeal. Lan Wangji had never thought groaning could be adorable. He was mistaken, because this was so adorable that Lan Wangji found his heart growing warm with fondness.

"Lan Zhaaan~" Wei Wuxian whined. "You can't... You can't say things like that. All earnest, and sincere, and just... too... toooo sweet." Lan Wangji felt Wei Wuxian's feet wiggle frantically in place. As though Wei Wuxian was trying to expend some of that built up energy, but did not actually want to move. "My heart can't take it if you're this beautiful, this kind, and also affectionate and sincere. It's too much Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian exclaimed.

Lan Wangji kissed Wei Wuxian's forehead. He felt a faint smile blooming on his face. His Wei Wuxian was too adorable for words, especially when he was flustered like this.

"Lan Zhan! You're smiling! Stop it! My heart can't take this!" Wei Wuxian half shrieked, pretending to faint backwards in Lan Wangji's embrace. Lan Wangji bent forward and captured Wei Wuxian's lips with his own. He loved this sweet ridiculous man.