Requested by ks103 

Kind of ironic since my sister has the flu lol

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Peter felt terrible. He wasn't sure if he was on the ceiling or the floor, and his stomach was currently trying to regurgitate itself. 

"Peter?" Came a soft voice, from- somewhere. 

"God?!" His voice came out hoarse and scratchy. 

"I'm not- are you sick? You never get sick." 

Peter opened one blurry eye. 

"Jesus?" 

A cold hand pressed against his forehead. "Oh sh*t you're sick. Sh*t Tony's gunna be so mad- we were s'posed to take care of you while he was gone. F*ck." 

In the distance, a faint 'language' was heard. 'Jesus' left the room, and faint talking was heard before several people re-entered the room. Peter groaned, burrowing his head further into his pillows. 

Someone poked his cheek. 

"Are we gonna tell Tony? Cuz then he won't give me the five thou he promised." It took a few seconds for Peter to realise it was Clint talking. He rolled over so that he was on his back, staring at the Avengers that surrounded his bed. 

Steve was stroking his chin. 

"No." He said finally. "We'll take care of Peter, and we won't tell Tony- he'll come flying back from  his honeymoon in two seconds flat. We can't ruin it for him."

The others agreed, though their motivations appeared to be different- Clint seemed more bothered about the fact he might not get the five thousand dollars, Bucky didn't want to be kicked out of the tower again, and Bruce didn't want his lab time evoked. 

So they kept it a secret- which turned out to be far more of a job than they had thought. 

"How's Pete?" Tony asked casually that night, his face looming over the rest of the Avengers on the holographic FaceTime. He was eating prawns or something, accepting Pepper's cocktail to take a sip and nod in approval. 

"Uhh-" Wanda began, but luckily Clint came to the rescue. 

"He's good. He's sleeping over at Ned's house tonight." 

Tony smiled. "It's good he's keeping in touch with his friends over the holidays. Just make sure he is going to Ned's and not patrol." 

Steve nodded in his usual patriotic manner. 

Meanwhile, in Peter's bedroom, he was sitting up in his bed, his thick blanket pooled around his waist, a bowl of chicken noodle soup on his lap. 

How did they get the noodles out of the chicken? Peter thought, the strong medication Bruce had given him taking effect. 

Peter's face paled as he realised how. 

"Uncle Steve!" He yelled, panicking and accidentally spilling the bowl across his bed. "UNCLE STEVE?!?!" 

"What was that?" Tony asked suspiciously over the FaceTime. He narrowed his eyes, looking everywhere in the frame. "Is Peter home?" 

"No- uh, it must be my phone, maybe I buttcalled him." 

Tony didn't seem convinced as Steve pulled out his phone and pretended to be on the phone to Peter, heading out of the room. 

"What is it Peter?" He asked as he entered the room. Peter was crying, pushing himself up against the wall. 

"Why did you give me chicken noodles?" Peter asked as he cried. 

Steve frowned. "What do you mean?" 

"I don't wanna eat noodles that came out of a chicken!" 

Steve bit his lip to hide his smile. "Peter, the noodles don't come out of the chicken. It's chicken noodle soup because there's both chicken and noodles in the soup." 

Peter looked at him with wide, watery eyes. "You're sure?" 

Steve smiled kindly. "Yes Peter. Now, let's clean this up, shall we?" 

Peter nodded tearfully, watching as Steve picked up the bowl and scooped as much of the noodles, chicken, carrot and other vegetables back into the bowl, with the small amount of liquid that hadn't spilled yet. 

Natasha came in a few seconds later, telling him that Tony had gone before freezing at the sight. A large yellowish patch of wet on the bed, and a crying Peter pressed up against the wall. 

"Oh no." She said. "How sick is he?" 

Steve glanced down at the patch and his cheeks went pink. "He didn't wet the bed Nat, he spilled his soup." 

"Oh." She visibly relaxed, walking over to Peter. "Are you okay bud?" 

Peter began to cry again. "Dad used to call me Bud!" 

Steve and Natasha exchanged a look. Natasha left the room and crept up on Bruce, scaring him as she grabbed his shoulder in the middle of him reading a book. 

"Bageezus Nat! What was that for?" 

"What was what for?" Natasha replied, sitting down on the couch opposite him. 

"Scaring- you know what? Never mind. What do you want?" 

"What did you give to Peter?" 

"The strongest thing I could find. No other medication would work except for this one. It does, uh, make you a little emotional, though." 

"No kidding.." Natasha muttered, right as a scream was heard on the other side of the compound. They all jogged over, only to see Peter sobbing as Bucky rubbed his back, sending death glares to Clint. 

"You-you k-k-kill your chickens?!?!?" Peter shrieked hysterically. 

"It's the circle of life! We have to eat somehow, and it's kinder to know that they lived a happy life before-"

"How would you like to be fed every day, hugged and nurtured, only for that same person to come and chop your head off?!?" Peter screamed, hiccuping and hugging Bucky closer, who was shaking his head at Clint and mouthing 'shame on you'. 

"Peter-"

"Have you never seen Chicken Run or Free Birds?" 

"Well-"

"You MONSTER-"

"You had chicken noodle soup today though!" Clint yelled defensively. 

"Uncle Steve said it doesn't come from chickens!" 

Steve shifted uncomfortably. "Well, the chicken does come from chickens-"

"W H A T?!?!?!!!?!" 

Bucky looked at Steve and shook his head at him too. 

"You know I never thought Peter would be vegan when on medication." Vision commented thoughtfully. 

"What-what's vegan?" Peter sobbed, looking at him with his puppy dog eyes. 

"It means you don't eat anything that comes from an animal." 

"Then what do you eat?" 

"Mostly vegetables." 

Peter's eyes began to water all over again. "But then you hurt the vegetables!!" 

Clint looked at him in slight frustration. "Then what are you supposed to eat?" 

"I don't need to eat anything! I'm-I'm-" He let out a loud sob. "I'm BATMAN!" 

"Oh Jesus." Natasha breathed. "Here we go again." 

It took them twenty minutes, but soon Peter was curled up in Bucky's bed (he wouldn't let go of him) watching Mamma Mia, his face all red and puffy. 

"Cuz you're a dancing queen... young and sweet... only seventeen." A tear slipped down Peter's face- again. "I wish I could be Meryl Streep." 

Bucky looked down at him. "Why?" 

"Cos then I could marry that dude." 

"Why do you want to marry the dude?" 

"He probably has a dog." Peter started crying again. "I love dogs so much!" 

Bucky wished he was filming this. 

The next day, Peter was slightly better. Still, they needed to keep it a secret from Tony. 

"Where's Peter?" Tony asked over the phone, talking to Avengers on speakerphone. "I tried calling him and he answered, but all I could hear was Les Miserable turned up really loud." 

The Avengers shared a look, remembering when they had been awoken by "Do You Hear The People Sing?" At six am, blasting from Peter's bedroom. They then tried to enter his room, but he had barricaded himself in. They had to wait until Peter had fallen asleep again before they entered again. 

"He's uh, doing homework. He has a history assignment on the French Revolution."

"Huh. He didn't tell me that. Can I speak to him?" 

All eyes turned to Steve, who was frantically trying to think of an excuse. 

"Guys? Put my son on." 

"Uh, Yep. Hold on. We'll go get him. Talk to, uh, Wanda in the meantime." 

"What?" Wanda hissed, glaring at Steve as the phone was shoved into her hand. 

"Stall him." Steve muttered. 

Wanda gritted her teeth, rolling her eyes, and lifted the phone to her ear. "Oh, hi Tony. Yeah I'm good. No, Steve didn't tell me to stall. Yeah. How's-how's your honeymoon going?" At this point, Wanda's face went extremely red. "Wow. Okay. That's-that's-" She gagged slightly. "-Great."

Steve, meanwhile, opened Peter's bedroom door. "Peter? How're you feeling?" 

"I WANT TO DIE." 

"Ok." Steve closed the door with a sigh. "Guys we can't let Tony talk to Peter, he'll give it away."

"Then what are we gonna do?" Natasha replied. 

He looked at Sam. Sam stared back. They knew what they needed to do. 

"Hi Dad!" Sam said into the phone in a high pitched voice, reading off the huge que cards Steve was holding up. 

"Peter? What happened to your voice?" 

"I'm- uh-" Sam sent glares at Steve and Thor as they frantically tried to write something down quickly. Thor's was in Norse for some reason, so he read Steve's. 

"I'm testing out a new voice changing app." 

"Oh, cool. You'll have to show me when I get back. How come you didn't tell me about the French Revolution assignment?" 

Sam watched as Steve and Bucky silently fought over what to write. Thor just held up another Norse sign.

"Oh it was gonna be a surprise," he improvised, ignoring Steve and Bucky who were pointing to 'the dog ate it'. 

"Well good job at keeping it a secret for this long, normally you suck at that." 

"Yeah, uh, thanks." 

"You alright bud? You seem distracted." 

"Yeah I just, uh," Thor was pointing hopefully at a Norse word. Bucky and Steve were tugging on the notebook, trying to write an answer. Natasha mouthed 'poop' at him. 

"I just really have to take a sh*t. I'll put Auntie Tasha on. Bye! Love you!" He shoved the phone into Natasha's hand with a cheeky grin. She sent him a death glare. 

"Hi Tony," she said. 

"Hi Nat. I think I'm gonna go." 

"Alright. See yah." 

She ended the call, then glared at everyone. 

"You guys suck." 

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Steve was cooking chocolate chip pancakes when Peter walked in the next morning, his hair a mess, dragging his blanket on the floor behind him. 

"Pete, how are you feeling?" Bruce asked from the dining table, cutting his heart shaped pancake into smaller pieces. 

Peter didn't reply, just giving him a look that explained everything- his bloodshot eyes, bags, pale complexion and the random red patch on one cheek. 

Bruce gave him a sympathetic look. "You can have some more medication after breakfast. Would you like some pancakes?" 

Peter again didn't reply, just taking a plate of pancakes that had originally been about to be Thor's. Thor looked heartbroken as Peter took it away and rolled all three pancakes into a megaroll, stuffing the whole thing down his throat somehow. 

Everyone stared at him, horrified. He looked like a sword swallower with the way he put it down his throat, then swallowed it like a seagull with a chicken leg bone (if you've seen that you know what I mean). 

"Are you- are you okay Son of Stark?" Thor asked nervously. 

Peter looked at him with one eye closed. "Why wouldn't I be?" 

"You just swallowed three pancakes without even chewing." Wanda said, her hand clasped around her knife a little too tightly. 

"Oh." Peter replied, as though this were nothing. "Okay." 

"That's- that's all you're going to say?" Bucky said from where he was pressing himself against the wall, slowly inching towards the door. 

"Yeah." Peter draped himself over the couch. "I swallowed a thugs gun once to assert dominance." 

A long silence followed. Wanda's eyes were slightly red. Bruce looked a little green around the neck. Bucky muttered something and left the room. 

"Okay." Natasha announced. "I think it's time Peter had some medicine, this sickness is surely messing with his head." 

Everyone agreed quietly, so Bruce went to get the massive tablets for Peter. Peter just put middle fingers at the sky. 

They were halfway through giving him the medicine when Tony tried FaceTiming them. 

It quickly followed with everyone freaking out and carrying Peter out of the room, Steve trying to act normal as he answered the call. 

"Hi Tony!" He said, a little too brightly. "How are you?" 

Tony frowned, looking around the mostly empty room, except for Thor stealing everyone else's breakfast. "Where's everyone else?" 

"Pooping." Thor said, before Steve could reply. "They're trying a teambuilding activity called communal pooping, where they support each other as they all poo." 

Tony looked extremely disturbed. "What the hell?" 

"He's kidding," Steve said quickly. "They're, uh, doing something. I don't know." 

"O-Kay?" 

There was an awkward silence, then the others filed in one by one. 

"Oh, hey Tony!" Said Sam in fake surprise. "How are you?" 

"Where's Peter?" Tony asked, ignoring him. 

"Poop-" Thor began, but Steve cut him off. 

"He's gone to his friends house." 

"Really?" Tony narrowed his eyes at them. "You know, I feel like you guys are hiding something from me." 

Everyone collectively shuffled their feet and swallowed. 

"Hiding something? Why would we hide something from you?" 

"I don't know. But I'll find out." He hung up. 

All the way over in Hawaii, Tony turned to Pepper. 

"They still haven't figured out that I know." 

Pepper smiled, sitting on the bed. "Really?" 

Tony shook his head. "They really have so much faith in Peter. Do they not realise that I call Peter daily? He told me everything on the first day." 

"I know sweetie." Pepper swung her bag onto her shoulder. "You ready to go to the beach?" 

"You bet I am." Tony grinned. "Boy am I glad to be away from those idiots." 

"Except for Peter." Pepper said, locking their hotel room after them. 

"Of course," Tony scoffed. "I'm just glad Bruce is there to take care of him, being a doctor and all." 

Pepper paused for a quick kiss. "So am I." 

A/N Ending this here cuz I can't be bothered and I have homework to do. Happy reading, have a nice day. :P

P.s if anyone has any marvel memes I'm running out I need some to put at the top of my chapters I'll accept any you send that r appropriate thanks. 

:P