*Nate*

We spent the first full day of London sightseeing.  We went to St. Paul's Cathedral, Buckingham Palace and then I showed everyone some of my favorite restaurants and cafes. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and both Julia and James did great. Even Maggie adjusted well.

The night before didn't go as well as I had hoped. Julia had a bit of a meltdown because I snapped at her, then her Bipolar kicked in to the point Jonah called Jeremy who talked Julia through. Then..I lied. I fucking lied to everyone, saying I ended it with Mila. I most certainly did not and I don't know why. But the conversation is over now so I'm leaving well enough alone.

Julia didn't sleep in my bed like I had hoped. Instead both her and James fell asleep  on the couch while watching a movie. I didn't have the heart to wake her and Jonah told me to just let her sleep after such a long day.

We all woke up early this morning, went out for breakfast and then started the day. It's 5pm now and I have to meet the band at the venue to practice. Everyone comes with me to experience the soundcheck and everything before the concert.

Wembley Stadium. Unreal.

"You ready, Playboy?" Trisha looks at me with excitement as we pull up.

"God yes."  I look back at Casey who is VERY excited for this, and smirk a little. "I think she's more excited than I am."

James nudges Julia who fell asleep in the car and she slowly wakes up to see where we are. Her eyes dart around the parking lot for a second before it clicks.

"We're here, love. C'mon."

We file out of the large SUV and I pull my baseball hat down a little further when I see a few fans spot me. Paul and James are in their bodyguard attire and mode as they quickly whisk me and Jules into the building. Once inside Paul and James relax. My tour manager, Leslie meets me in the main lobby. The beautiful brunette is dressed to impress just like Trisha, holding two binders. 

"Welcome home, Mr. Hollan!" She says and hands Trisha one of the large binders. "Here you go, Trish. Everything we need for tour outlined and ready to go."

I introduce everyone to Leslie and we follow her to the dressing room. 

"The catering is here and  setting up now for dinner tonight while you practice." Leslie talks and walks fast just like Trisha. She is outstanding at her job and takes it very seriously. Paul walks in front, next to Leslie and James behind everyone. James fits right in as a bodyguard and doesn't miss a beat. I can tell Julia, Jonah and Casey are a little out of their element while looking around. Casey holds the dog's leash as we pick up the pace to get to where I need to be.

"The band flew in this afternoon and is also setting up now. They had their own soundcheck with their instruments and are ready when you are."

I look back at Julia and smile. "You can go wherever you want, doll. If you want to watch you can, if you want to hang out in the dressing room you can, or  where the catering is set up. Whatever you want." I look over at giddy Casey. "You too."

"I can sit in the stands and watch your soundcheck??" Casey's voice squeaks out in excitement.

"Sure. But fair warning. You will be sick of it after a few nights." I laugh and hear it echo through the stadium.

"Here's your dressing room." Leslie points to the sign on the door with my name on it. She opens the door to the fully furnished room. "And across the hall is your game room set up along with plenty of food. Make yourselves at home. Mr. Hollan, soundcheck starts in 30 minutes." 

And just like that, Leslie and Trisha head off together with their binders.

"This is amazing." I hear Jonah say. He made his way to the game room and is impressed with the amount of food.

"Jules, I wanna introduce you to the band." I pull her away from everyone. Julia has never met my band before. Maybe Tommy or Jared but not everyone. I grab her hand and we walk into the arena where the guys are playing on stage. We walk up the side stairs and everyone stops to greet us warmly.

"Julia,  Tommy, Jared.."  I start, and Julia shakes everyone's hands. "Andy, Craig, Kyle, Dominic, Evan and Alison- filling in for Toby on bass for the first leg. He just had  a baby two weeks ago so will meet up with us in a few months."

"Nice to meet you all." Julia smiles at everyone. The band is great with her and everyone sits around chatting away while we wait for the production team to be ready.

"The Infamous Julia Moretti. Can't believe we are just meeting now." Evan eyes Julia while sitting on the ledge with a beer. Beer doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the way Evan is looking at Jules. He's a player in all ways possible. The youngest in our band, in his early twenties, but amazing with all instruments. He's also amazing with women and knows it.  Of course, it helps that he looks like a young Nick Jonas.

"Recovering Alcoholic..Evan..." Trisha breezes by with Leslie and snatches the beer right out of his hand.

"Right. Sorry mom. Anyways...."

"Anyways..I purposely  keep Julia away from creeps like you, Evan." I tease and pick up my guitar to tune it. Julia laughs and participates in small talk with the band for a good ten minutes before we're ready to go. She seems comfortable and everyone is enjoying her company. She fits right in which is nice because she will be around these people a lot over the course of a year

*******

*Julia*

I feel like I'm in some kind of dream. Today was a blur for me. We were so busy from the moment we woke up until the moment we arrived at the Venue. Everyone seems super nice and friendly towards us. Tommy is the only one who shares Nate's British accent in the band. After Nate introduces me to everyone we walk back to the game room.

"Our tour busses will arrive tomorrow morning." Nate smiles over at me. I feel a bit overwhelmed but try not to let  it show. "C'mon, lets eat something before I go on stage." He grabs a plate and I look around the room. James is on the couch already eating which means someone else helped him get his food. Maggie is also eating. Casey packed her travel bowls and a ziplock bag of dogfood. She thought of everything. Jonah is of course, also feeding his face and Casey is looking around the large warehouse type room. Paul is being Paul scrolling through his phone.

"You bring this to every venue?" She asks Nate looking at the ping-pong table,  full soccer nets, Gaming consoles.

"Yep. We have a team that comes in a sets up the day before each concert." Nate says like it's no big deal.

"This is insane!" She exclaims.

"You good, doll? You're very quiet." He hands me a plate as he greets the caterers.

"Yeah. It's just ..a lot." I admit. I look over at James who gives me a little nod. He feels the same way. We are so out of our element right now. I'm anything but hungry with all that's going on but Nate fills my plate with all sorts of stuff and I head to the couch to sit next to James. 

Nate's tour manager, Leslie, and Trisha come back into the room and sit at the table to go over more of the itinerary. Nate sits with them to eat and follow along.

"Hey." James nudges me a little as I stare down at my plate. "This is surreal, huh?" 

It's like he can read my mind. I say it all the time. But it's true. I nod in agreement still in disbelief we are even out of the country. I've never traveled anywhere. Traveling from Boston to L.A. was huge for me, but this...this is a different ballgame.

"Take a bite or I'm going on strike, babe." James eyes me and raises a brow. 

"I'm trying. He gave me way too much."

"Then don't finish it, but at least start it." James pushes my plate into me a little with a sigh and I take a bite of the pasta. After a few bites in, James start eating again too.

"You're such a gameplayer you know that?"

"I do." He laughs. "But you're eating, are you not?"

"Yeah yeah." I roll my eyes at my best friend and we eat together.

"After soundcheck you need to have a virtual meeting with Jeremy to check in." Jonah reminds me and hands me my evening medications. I nod, not dreading it because Jeremy won't actually be near me.

Once done eating, Leslie looks at her phone and announces it's time for Nate's soundcheck. He grabs two bottles of water and then looks towards me. "Whoever wants to watch, follow me." 

We all get up and follow. Nate shows me where I can watch the real concert, which is one specific front row off to the side for all of us, or, on the same side  backstage.

"You mean..we get actual seats??" Casey is having a hard time wrapping her brain around this  all and making it known. 

"Case..you live with me, remember?  This shouldn't be a huge deal to you anymore." Nate laughs.

"Yeah but... Now you're not just Nate. You're Nate Hollan."

"Same person, doll." He says while pulling the guitar strap over his head.

 We all sit in the front row for the soundcheck. To see Nate on stage performing with the band is something I can't put into words and this is just a preview. I can't imagine what it will feel like when this arena is filled with fans. Nate puts on a good show. The energy that comes out of him is something I've never seen before and I can tell the stage is where he belongs. I look over at Trisha and Leslie who are both sitting with a good forty five other people from the production team and the proud smiles on everyone's faces say it all. Everything is finally coming together. It's chaos but it's controlled. Planned. And VERY loud. That's without fans.

Both Casey and I know all of Nate's songs but can tell James and Jonah only knows a few and probably from us.

"You're his girlfriend." Casey nudges me, fangirling. "Imagine all the jealous girls that are gonna fill this stadium!" She smirks. 

That's right. Thousands of jealous girls that probably hate my guts or wish Mila Giovanni were in this seat and not me. That was known right from the Instagram post comments that were turned off.

"Nate, I'm gonna have some photos posted on social media of you practicing now." Trisha yells up to the stage and Nate nods. Three professional photographers stand up and follow Nate as he sings and plays his guitar. I will have to check instagram later to see what people say, now that I know I'm so damn hated.

Nate looks down at the sheet of paper on the stage floor in front of him to play the next song. I know they have the setlist all memorized but  they stop quite a few times to tweak things here and there in between songs. Then he talks to his fake crowd for a little bit like planned. He pretends to read peoples signs, talk about songs, and chat with the band a little. It's all played out even during soundcheck which looks funny since there's not really a crowd, but I can tell Nate and the band are used to doing this. I roll my eyes at one of his corny jokes and he laughs into the microphone.

"The next song is new one that I recently wrote. This will be the first time I'm playing it for the public and I hope you all enjoy it. Specifically one special person in my life." Nate looks right at me now and begins to play Safe Haven. The lights dim and the atmosphere changes. It's a slow song, more acoustic than anything. He's played this song for me once before but seeing him up on that stage with the band, sitting on his stool, strumming away on his guitar and looking directly at me, catches me offguard.

"Let me show you the world, take away all your pain,

Let me hold you and love you. Be your safe haven."

You're all that I want and all that I need.

I give you my heart though its broke and diseased."

I begin to feel a hard lump form in my throat while watching him. Nate doesn't take his eyes off me once. Not one time and I feel somewhat exposed. I don't know if it's a good feeling or not. I can't describe it but finally exhale once the song is finished.

Apparently not even Trisha has heard the song by the way she's staring at Nate while he's staring at me. He gives me a little wink and moves right along.

"You're crying." James looks down at me and I feel my cheeks. So I am. I was so lost in the performance I had no idea how emotional I became while watching Nate. I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt and James pats my thigh a few times.

"I don't know what my issue is." I chuckle, feeling overwhelmed by....everything right now.

By the time the full two and a half hour concert soundcheck is over I realize just who Nate Hollan is. Maybe I took being his girlfriend for granted. I think about that while watching him up on that stage. I'm such a mess all the time.  Aside from the day Danny died and his funeral, Nate has seen me at my worst. Two specific times. The Boston weekend and the Mila shut down era. Why the hell did he choose me? Of all people on the planet.

I look over at Casey who is also a mess right now. Tears stream down her face by the end of the concert, catching Jonah's attention.

"My God, woman. You ARE a mini- Julia." He laughs and pulls Casey in for an embrace. I've never seen them be close to each other like this and can't help but smile at the couple. They are so cute together. I wonder if there's anyone in the world who thinks of me and Nate being "so cute together"  or if I'm just the enemy to all his fans.

"THANK YOU WEMBLEY!" Nate shouts out to the imaginary crowd and him and the entire band stand in a line together and bow. Everyone in the room, the production team, the set up crew, hell even the caterers, all stand up to clap and cheer Nate at the end of the soundcheck.

But his eyes are on  me first as Nate smiles before looking at anyone else.

*****

*Nate*

I'm a sweaty mess. With the hot lights on me for almost three hours along with running around the stage performing, it's to be expected. Trisha packed me a change of clothes so I can hit the shower in the dressing room. But first, I  walk off the stage to see Julia. She was crying during the song, whether she realized it or not. Casey was a little too but Julia's been crying a lot lately, which raises a red flag that maybe her meds aren't working.

"Sooo, what did you think?" I refrain from hugging and wipe my face with a towel someone on the production team handed me. Julia doesn't seem to care about my sweat. She barrels into me and wraps her arms around me. "I take this a a job well done?"

Julia nods and holds on to me tightly. Then I feel her begin to shake as she cries...again. I knew this  first full day on tour would be overwhelming for her, I just wasn't sure how overwhelming it would be. Now the real Julia comes out. My little hot mess emotional Julia. She's been hiding all day, acting very quiet but now she can't contain herself.

The controlled chaos is all around us  yet I stand right here in the aisle hugging Julia.

"Cmon, my hot mess. Take a shower with me." I whisper and we sneak out of the arena.  One of the team members walks us back to my dressing room. I grab another water bottle when I feel the sharp pain in my chest. I overexerted myself and my heart is letting me know. I try not to draw attention to myself and take Julia's hand, guiding her to the bathroom.

"Ok but no fooling around. It can't be a long one. Jonah said I have to have a virtual meeting to check in with Jeremy tonight." Julia reminds me and I roll my eyes.

"Just take your clothes off for me, princess." I demand and earn an eyeroll from her now. But she pulls her T-shirt over her head and then unzips her jeans. While watching Julia undress, noticing the cute floral matching bra and underwear set she is wearing, I close the bathroom door and lock it before turning on the shower. I peel off my clothes and drag Julia in with me.

Then, the one thing I did NOT want to happen, happens.

I remember the last time I was in a dressing room shower. The filming of my Heartbreak Hotel music video. Mila Giovanni. I harden instantly. Julia grabs the shampoo and begins to wash my hair and I close my eyes. I'm trying not to but the only thing going through my head is visions of Mila. The way she looked at me. The way she kissed. The way her body felt.

"We don't have time, Nate." Julia brings me back to reality and notices my erection.

"I can't help it, princess. But you can help me." I swipe my thumb across her bottom lip and push her down to her knees. Her eyes give me a look of shock at first from my bold demand but then she gives in to me. 

Julia pulls me into her mouth but I think of Mila. I grab the back of Julia's head and force myself in all the way, thrusting into her mouth hard. She gags and chokes but I don't let her off the hook. With my hand pushing her head into me she can't back up. I smash her face into me all the way and hold her there. She probably can't even breath right now so I only hold her there for a few seconds before letting her back up a little. My mind is completely clouded with Mila and I lose myself in my thoughts.

"Fuck. You're so good to me." I growl and fuck her face for a solid five minutes until I come. She chokes it down and I finally let her free. Julia scrambles away, gasping for air and then stands, glaring at me.

"What the hell, Nate!" She pushes me.

Shit.

Mila would let me get rough with her, real rough, without hesitation. I've never been like that with Jule though. Not like this. I was so lost in my own world thinking of Mila I forgot it was Julia going down on me.

"Sorry. I guess I got carried away." I come to my senses. "I didn't mean to be so rough." I say in a more genuine manner and pull Julia into my chest.

 For some reason, thinking about Mila turns me into a different person. One that is not very kind to Julia, that's for sure. I was too rough with her. I didn't even give her a chance to say no. I fucked her face and filled her mouth, making her choke it down before letting her catch her breath. That's not like me. Not at all.

"You're fine. I need to get ready for my therapy meeting." Julia pulls herself away and doesn't make eye contact as she rushes out of the shower. Was she crying just now? Shit.

******

*Julia*

I rush to get dressed and dry my hair. That was awful and my throat actually hurts from it. Nate wouldn't let me back away. He used me in that shower and I've never felt so humiliated. That wasn't Nate. I don't know who that was but it wasn't him. I don't know if being on stage got to his head, or the adrenaline rush from it.... or if this is the REAL Nate now that he's in his element, but I felt like I was just one of his groupies he took into the shower with him and face fucked. Not his fiancé.

Once my hair is fully dried I quickly leave the dressing room before Nate gets out of the shower. I don't know my way around the arena so  aimlessly walk and begin to cry. I'm lost. And not just lost in the stadium. I'm lost here. Not fitting into Nate's world. This whole day was overwhelming. It should have been fun. Everyone else was having fun.  Everyone else thought I was having fun.  Everyone but James. He knew this was a lot for me. I bite my thumbnail now really lost and begin to panic. I open a door thinking it is the game room but walk into Nate's band tuning guitars. Lovely. Just lovely.

"Sorry.." I begin to close the door when Tommy looks over and sees it's me.

"Where you trying to go, love? This place is confusing as fuck." Tommy says in his British accent. He puts his guitar down and I feel a bit of relief when he walks out of the room to help me.

"I'm looking to where we were before the soundcheck. The room with all the games and stuff." I say and Tommy nods.

"Gotcha, right this way."

I take a deep breath to reel in my emotion but I think Tommy could tell I was very lost and beginning to panic. He opens the door to a room full of people. My people. James, Casey, Jonah and the dog. I sigh and thank the kid before heading in.

"Just in time. I was about to go find you. You didn't forget your session with Jeremy, did you?" Jonah asks.

"How could I forget." I say with sarcasm. Jonah studies my face for a moment but says nothing. He loads up the laptop for my virtual session with Jeremy "Is there somewhere I can go to do this?" I look around the chaotic room as people come and go to grab food.

"Let's find somewhere."

Jonah finds an empty room and sets me up. "You ok?"

"I'm fine. Just want to do this and get it over with." I snap a little and Jonah gives me a slight nod.

"I can stay if you want." Jonah says, assuming my bad attitude is because I have to talk to Jeremy.

"No. I'm fine." 

Once I'm connected Jonah leaves the room and closes the door behind him.

"Can you hear me ok?" Jeremy asks. He's sitting down at the desk in his office. I recognize the room. I nod.

"It's around noon here which means your first day in London must be coming to a close. How was it?"

"Fine." I'm short but don't mean to be. Jeremy furrows his brows and takes off his glasses like he always does when he is looking at a computer screen.

"Julia. Was today not a good day for you?" He asks with concern.

"It was fine. Busy. I'm tired, that's all." I cross my arms and slouch in the chair.

"Understandably so. I'm sure Jonah had you take all your meds on time today.."

"You know he did."

"Julia... talk to me..." Jeremy can tell I'm in a bad mood and isn't gonna let it go. I'm sure as hell not gonna tell him how Nate was rough in the shower. Any other time when I once trusted Jeremy I would have but not now. I don't even know if I will tell James this one and I tell him everything. This is a bit too embarrassing for me.

"I said I'm fine. Just tired." I can't hold it in any longer and begin to cry. "It was a long day, that's all." I repeat, hoping that is enough of an answer. And it is. Jeremy nods.

"Do you feel like it's all too overwhelming for you? Being in London? Traveling?"

I'm not gonna say yes to that. Jeremy will be the first to tell Jonah to book a flight for me  back to the Avalon. So I don't answer.

"Ok.." He knows he's getting nowhere with this virtual meeting. "Lets cut to the chase. Why are you crying, Julia?"

"I don't know, ok?!" I lie.

"Do you feel like you did last night with your emotions? Like you can't control them?"

"Yeah sure, are we done?" I'm ready to close the laptop within the first five minutes of our session.

"No, Julia. You're concerning me right now. If being there is too much for-" 

I close the laptop before Jeremy can finish his sentence. 

*****

*Nate*

I wait with everyone else in the game room for Jules to finish her virtual meeting with Jeremy.

"She seemed on edge." Jonah begins. I know why but not gonna say shit about it right now.

"Probably because she has to have a therapy session with her rapist." Trisha snorts. "You looked good up there tonight." She smiles over at me. "Everything is falling into place, playboy."

I nod and sip my tea. James is about ready to fall asleep with his dog in his lap and Case isn't far behind him. 

It's been less than five minutes when Julia storms in with the closed laptop.

"All yours." She shoves it in Jonah's chest and walks over to the couch, curling up next to James. She doesn't give me the time of day.

"That was fast?" Jonah opens the laptop and unlocks it. Apparently closing the laptop doesn't close down the virtual meeting. Jeremy is still logged on and anything but happy.

"A word with you in private, Jonah." He says sternly but Julia keeps her eyes closed, hearing Jonah get up and walk out of the room.

"You good?" James whispers and Julia nods with her eyes  still closed. 

"Just tired."

"We can head home right when Jonah is done." I say and head out to find Jonah. 'Word in private' my ass. I open the door to the vacant room and sit down next to Jonah who gives me a little nod, letting me know it's ok to sit in on the meeting. I was gonna anyway.

"If you give me the address of the nearest pharmacy I will call in a higher dose of the SSRI." Jeremy continues. "It will take a few weeks but gotta start somewhere. Did she seem anxious today?"

"A little. Quieter than usual." Jonah answers.

"That's her way of masking it. She'll try and mask the symptoms for as long as she can until she explodes. Not great. What does tomorrow look like for your schedule? Julia may need to slow it down a little and rest."

Jonah looks at me, not knowing what is planned for tomorrow.

"I have a practice in the morning then was gonna show everyone the tour busses once they come in. In the evening I have suite tickets for everyone at Selhurst Park for the football game. Crystal Palace is playing." I watch Jeremy cock his head a little, not quite understanding.

"Soccer. Sorry. Soccer game tomorrow night." I rephrase it to American terms.

"Maybe she's a little nervous about that. Thinking about her son. He was an avid soccer player." Jeremy tries to guess what's wrong and I go with it. "Have Julia skip going to your practice with you and stay home for the morning. You can show her the tour busses later in the afternoon before the game, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Remember, she's not used to this busier lifestyle. It may be too chaotic for her. Jonah, if things get really bad, you know what to do."

"She's not going on anxiety meds." I snap at the doctor. "She's worked so hard trying to get over her addiction."

"You probably should have thought of that before your ten hour flight out of the country and your hectic lifestyle." Jeremy throws back at me, putting me in my place.

"Lets just take it one day at a time." Jonah says..to both of us.

We end the call and Jonah lets out a huff.

"I hope this wasn't a bad idea, bringing her on tour." He says.

"It's not. It's day one. That's all. Give her time to adjust."

"By the time she adjusts here we'll be on the road again."

Paul opens the door and sees the meeting is over.

"You about ready to head out? I think Julia is tired." He announces and walks out of the room before hearing an answer.

*****

*Julia*

Paul and James escort us out of the arena and into the suburban. 

"I'll take Maggie out for a short walk before heading up." Casey tells James as the dog jumps into the SUV.

"I'll go with you. I don't want you walking alone. It's unfamiliar territory." Jonah says, gaining a nod from Paul.

"I can help you get ready for bed." I whisper to James. Last thing I want to do is be with Nate right now anyway. He was acting weird. And that whole shower thing... Yeah... I don't feel like dealing with him right now.

Once home, I ignore Nate and follow James into his room. He takes the earpiece off and I loosen his tie.

"You sure you're ok, sweetie?"

"It was just a long day. Last thing I wanted to do was end it seeing Jeremy's face on that screen, that's all." I explain and unbutton his shirt to hang up neatly. I have a feeling James can see right through me but he say nothing and just lets me undress him.

"C'mon. I'll help you fall asleep." I say. It's a little early for bed, maybe 9pm, but when James sees me crawl under the covers of his bed he doesn't protest. It's been a long time since I've done this. I have purposely been trying to distance myself from James so I wouldn't slip up. Usually I sit next to him to help him but tonight I curl right up against him and he falls asleep right away with me in his arms.

About a half hour or so later the door opens. I close my eyes, knowing who it is and not wanting to deal.

"We're back to doing this again, princess?" Nate pulls the covers off me and scoops me up into his arms. "I know you're awake. I can tell by that little smirk on your face."

"Good. You deserve to have to carry me around after what you did." I bite back.

"I'm sorry, Jules. I got carried away. Lost in the moment. That's never happened to you before?"

"Not like that..." I cross my arms, refusing to hold on to his neck to make it harder for him to carry me to bed. Once in his room, Nate lays me on his bed. It's the first time I've been on it since I fell asleep watching a movie with James on the couch last night.

"You know I'd never purposely mean to make you uncomfortable or do anything you didn't like."

"I was uncomfortable and didn't like that. You didn't give me much of a choice." I glare at him and turn to my side away from him. He spoons me but I stiffen up against his touch so he moves away and lays on his back, looking up at the ceiling. 

"I made a mistake. I'm sorry." He says with sincerity then ruins it with his next sentence. "This is not how I thought the start of tour would go." Nate huffs and turns to his side away from me.

Lovely.