| CHAPTER 35 : HOW LONG CAN ONE CREATURE CARE? |

We rode back to Saludom in utter silence. I had stopped crying long ago after Drew offered me water. Katia and Levi had called Drew when they were not sure where to and how to find us after my magic had teleported Ace, King Alpha and me to the basement parking.

I didn't know what to do once we reached back to the mansion. Katia had walked away after saying some assuring words, Levi did the same although he looked a bit guilty. The only person right now with me was Drew.

I was sitting on the floor, leaning my back against a wall in one of the many hallways, Drew mirroring my actions, not saying a word. I didn't mind his silent company. I didn't want to stay alone right now. Although I was beyond exhausted, I couldn't imagine myself sleeping.

Whenever I close my eyes, King Alpha's inhuman eyes haunt me, making my heart beat fast and cold sweat to start forming on my forehead.

His eyes, his voice, his whole demeanour- it seemed like a completely different version of himself. A wilder version and out of his control. Like he had no mind and didn't think of what he was doing.

"What happened to him?" I asked finally, a confused and worried frown on my face.

Drew's head lifted to mine. He had been poking aimlessly with his finger onto his thigh, while silently sitting beside me.

"He seemed...not himself," I said.

Drew pulled his lips together, tilting his head to the side as if thinking how to explain it to me, "Let's say...oui listen," he grabbed my attention turning towards me, "you know what creatures we werewolves are. We can turn into our wolf and also our human form."

I nodded in a way saying 'yeah, I got that.'

"While we also have two forms -a human and a wolf- we also have two minds, two souls and two identities. When we turn into our wolves, we make sure to stay connected to our human minds. If we let ourselves wander to the wolf - the animal - side, we lose control of ourselves and lose our humanity, we act like complete animals carried away by rage, temper, or anger." Drew explained.

"So why did King Alpha go complete animal on me?" I asked.

He scratched the back of his neck, pursing his lips, looking worried, "Ez?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you know King Alpha's name?"

I shrugged, "I read a journal. King Alpha's father's journal to be precise."

His brow furrowed, "From where?"

"In the Saludom library."

"What else do you know?"

"That he wanted to kill Derek's child. And maybe because of that, the whole war between witches and werewolves happened."

A thoughtful frown etched on Drew's face.

"Why did King Alpha lose control of his humanity?" I asked again.

A sigh came out of Drew's lips, "You've said something that invoked the beast inside him."

I frowned, surprised, "Me?"

He nodded, "You said his name."

"How does that make him go beasty?"

Drew lowered his gaze, averting his eyes, "I...I can't tell." He said, "it's not my place to speak about this."

"Why not?"

"This is something really personal to King Alpha, ma cherie."

I frowned before finally nodding and looking away.

"How is Ace a warlock if King Alpha is a werewolf?" I asked again. "And then who is Wallace in those journals?"

Drew gave a troubled look, "You really shouldn't ask me these questions, cherie. Only King Alpha is allowed to talk about it."

"Clearly he doesn't understand Right to Speak," I muttered.

I had so many questions, so many doubts. I don't think I'll be able to keep myself sane until I know every single thing.

This isn't my problem or my mess, but I still felt the need to know everything.

"I'm gonna go ask King Alpha then," I stood up suddenly.

Drew looked up at me, startled, "Cherie?"

"I'm gonna go talk to him."

His eyes went wide, "I don't think - that's not a good idea."

"None of my choices had been good ideas." I said, "Also, he attacked me. So I guess I'll try squeezing in an apology from him too."

Drew looked ready to stop me but then decided against it and shrugged, looking as if he doesn't really care, "Okay."

"Okay," I said moving forward into the hallway.

"Wrong way, Cherie."

I turned around, walking in the other direction, passing Drew's amused face again.

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Surprisingly enough, I remember the way to King Alpha's room. My heart pounded weirdly in anxiety when I placed my hand on the door handle. Not sure what I was expecting to find inside, I opened the door.

Darkness enveloped the room. The room's temperature could have been one of Antarctica's. My eyes roamed around, and I saw why. The balcony door stood wide open, letting all the cold air in. My pulse sped up when I spotted King Alpha standing in the middle of the darkness, his hands clutching the railing, with his head bowed down.

If he knew I was here, he sure as hell wasn't showing it.

His posture didn't change as I came in closer and stopped at the balcony threshold.

He stood so silent, so...dark. In any other case, I would have said 'nope' and ran in the other direction. His body radiated coldness and lonesome through the hard muscles.

"If you're planning on jumping off the balcony, I wish you a happy painful ass." I said, "Or your back - or your head – you know, considering where you land..."

He didn't move.

Picking up my nerve, I stepped into the balcony, "Yeeeet!" I jumped a couple of times on my feet, "It's dang cold!" I placed my feet firmly on the ground trying to get used to the coldness. Shivers ran through my body, "Pretty sure I'm gonna turn into a popsicle."

He still didn't move except for the slightest drop of his head as he lowered his head.

Watching him for a while, I picked up the courage again and timidly stood two feet beside him, placing my own hands on the railing. Another shiver went through my body at the coolness of the railing.

I didn't dare to turn my eyes toward him yet. The coldness radiating off him was enough to freeze me more than the temperature itself. Instead, I turned to look at the sky.

"Pretty stars, right?" I asked.

"The sky's empty." He stated for the first time I've been here.

My eyes finally slid to him. His head was bowed down, hiding most of his face. His caramel-brown hair hung floppily on his forehead with his cheekbone and jaw sharp and prominent. He wore a long-sleeved white t-shirt and black joggers.

"Why are you here?" He asked after a while snapping me out of my momentary trance of staring at him.

"Oh, you know? The usual," I responded, "freezing in the cold, looking at the empty sky. I'm learning how to survive like a penguin."

He stayed silent, not responding to any of my words or snapping at me to shut the hell up.

"How are you?" I blurted.

His head perked up just a bit. He still didn't look at me. He looked so sharp and deadly even while doing nothing it made me beyond wary.

Seconds flew by. He still didn't answer me or even look at me.

Right when I thought I made a mistake coming here and was about to give up and turn around, his voice stopped me.

"I thought you would have left by now."

The dullness and emptiness in his voice made me pause for a second.

"Left?" I asked, confused.

"After I left the basement." He spoke. "I thought you would finally try to up and go."

I furrowed my eyebrows, "What are you saying? You mean I'm free to leave this mansion?"

His no response gave the loudest and emptiest 'yes'.

My mind went blank, not sure how to respond to that. I couldn't help it. The faintest 'why' escaped my lips.

"You know how long can someone stay broken?" He asked, looking up, but not at me.

I blinked in surprise and confusion at the sudden question, "What?"

"Yeah, I don't either." He spoke not even making sure if I'm listening or not. But I am. I am so much, my ears are straining to hear more of his deep voice. "You know how much every part of me wants to hurt you? Wants to loathe and destroy you? Wants to strangle you and make you miserable?" He spoke. "No, you don't. That's why you've wandered your way over here when instead you should be five countries away from me." His tone wasn't threatening, wasn't mocking, wasn't cruel. It was all empty. Empty like a big fat hole.

I didn't know what to say.

"And it's not because you disgust me or you're human." He continued. "It's just because you're...here. I've tried all in my best to kill you, to get rid of you, to wipe you out but you're still fucking here." His jaw clenched, "And I'm not even mad about that. I'm not mad that you're here. I'm mad...at myself...for wanting you here." A seething look crossed his face.

"I've told myself countless times in the past." I'm glad he continued because I still didn't know what to say. "That I wouldn't let myself slip, that I wouldn't let myself care for a damn thing again, that I would block it all. Cos it's easier to live that way. If living is what you want to call that I'm doing." He gave a slight roll of his eyes. "It's pathetic how I let myself slip every time."   

"It's not called pathetic." I finally found my voice no matter how low of a whisper it was. "It's called having a heart. Being human. Every single person cares for someone no matter who they are. That's what makes them human. That's what makes them want to live."

"That's what." He snapped, sharply bringing his head up. "I don't want to live! Because I don't care for anyone. I don't give a shit about anyone."

"That's not true." I spoke. "Everyone has a person they care about."

His eyes finally snapped to mine. Cold and dark, glistening icily in the dark, "You know who I care about?" He asked maliciously. Suddenly I don't feel like talking. He took a step toward me, and I took a step back.

"No one." He stated coldly. "Maybe, yes, I did once upon a time, and you know how it ended?" A dangerous look clouded his eyes, "Take a guess. Go ahead."

My body was frozen, unable to move with my mouth parted as he towered over me.

"Go on, Ezlynn. Take a guess."

I gave a small shake of my head, my heart thudding loudly in my chest at the steer of conversation.

"I'll tell you." He spoke, a malicious look clouding his features, "They tortured me, stabbed me, burned everything I cared about right in front of me. They took everything. Piece by piece. And it still doesn't stop. They're still there trying to break me. What did I do Ezlynn? Tell me." He demanded. "What did I fucking do to deserve this? To get this before I turned into this... this monster!" He seethed frustratingly.

Tears abruptly flooded my eyes. He took another angry step toward me and I took a step back. My hands found the railing behind me, and I grabbed onto it with King Alpha pinning me.  

His eyes narrowed, "When they realized I had nothing more to lose, nothing more to give up, you know what they did?" He asked. "They gave me a mate. They give me you. I already know how this story is going to end. Do you?"

I stiffly shook my head, blinking back the tears.

"They're gonna make me want to feel you, to care for you. They're gonna keep on making me want to crave for you and when I finally do show a little bit of affection, a little bit of heart, they're gonna tear me away from you and destroy me all over again in every way possible. I've lived for seven hundred years, and this never gets old. You think I might get used to this but this...it hurts. Every. Single. Time. And it's a long time for someone whose immortal."

My voice disappeared into the tightness of my throat.

"Go ahead, Ezlynn. Say something. I know you want to. Tell me how much I'm wrong. Tell me how much of a heartless person I am. Scream at me."

I vigorously shook my head.

"What?" His voice mocked me nastily, "Nothing left to say? Nothing to insult?"

I couldn't bring my tear-filled, blurry eyes to his. He was breathing right at my face.

I heard him inhale sharply. "How much do you think a person can take, Ezlynn?"

His voice broke at the end. Even if it was the tiniest bit.

My eyes moved to his, intensely and dangerously yet empty and cold, looking at my face.

"What if I told you I want to kill myself right now?"

"I'd say you find something to live for," I responded, not expecting my voice to still be there.

"What's the use when things you keep finding keep getting lost?" 

"Maybe try finding the reason why they keep getting lost? Maybe you're not holding it tight enough or maybe you didn't care enough."

"You think I didn't care?" His eyes turned darker; his voice close to yelling.

He slammed his fists on the railing behind me when I didn't answer, making me flinch.

"You don't know anything about me. I did care, Ezlynn. I did. Every. Single. Time. And it cost me and the rest too much to count. I watched..." He struggled to say a name as if he couldn't bear to say it, "...them take away my own family, my own people. I've seen them burn down every single thing I've cared about. Tell me Ezlynn. How long can one creature care for? Tell me how long can one creature bear to lose everything over and over again?"

The tears in my eyes finally rolled down my cheek.

"Caring is for people who have things to care about. Not for people who have already lost everything."

"But you haven't!" I spoke abruptly. You have me. I wanted to say. Various emotions ran through my body, one of them being empathy. I never thought I'd ever empathize with King Alpha.

I can almost imagine him, running after those he once cared about, his arms reaching out to them. The younger, naïve version of him watching things around him fall aimlessly as he struggled to cope, to keep up. I can imagine the younger version of him fighting for his people, his family, for those who he cared about. And then there's this version of him. The version that's completely given up.

He shook his head, moving away from me, "No, don't try. Don't bother trying. Not with me. Especially not me."

"But you can care." I said almost pleadingly. "You can care and fight harder."

"I don't want to fight anymore, Ez." His voice almost broke again as he sharply looked up at me, "I'm...tired."

"I'll help you!" I said desperately, my chest heavy.

"Help me how?" He snapped, raising an eyebrow "How exactly?"

I opened my mouth and then closed it. Yeah, how can I help someone who's suffered beyond my thinking? How can I help someone who's already lost and can't be found?

"You can't." King Alpha stated.

No. I thought stubbornly. I can. I can help him. King Alpha is not lost. He's just misdirected. He's not lost, he's only on the wrong path. I can stir him out of it. I can.

"I'm not the type of broken person who wants to be picked up, Ez." He continued.

"Let me help you," I whispered, pleadingly, "I can help you."

His eyes roamed over my face, an unreadable expression on his face.

"I know." He whispered, slowly moving towards me. Warmth radiated off him. He raised his hand and I resisted flinching thinking he was about to hurt me. Instead, he brushed his fingers through my hair. His warm fingertips touched the skin of my cheek and my eyes fluttered close.

"I can help you." I repeated once again, feeling his fingers slide to cup my jaw, the pad of his thumb, caressing my cheek.

I couldn't bear to open my eyes to look at his expression. My stomach flipped uneasily, and my heart seemed to stop working. Warmth spread inside me with him this close and his hand holding my face almost...lovingly.

"I know." His voice was a low whisper.

I slowly opened my eyes, already knowing my breath would leave my body. He stood so close to me, so close. His eyes looked like two pieces of broken glass with an ocean of dark and negative emotions floating through them. I wanted to reach out and caress him, to hold him like a child and-

"I know you will." He whispered looking deeply into my eyes, inhaling. "That's why." His eyes glowed golden making me snap out of my trance. "I want you to forget this conversation."

"No," I said immediately, horror filling me.

"You're gonna forget about me. You're gonna forget everything about this supernatural world."

"Don't do this." I pleaded, trying to move out of his grasp from where he held me tightly by the face.

"You're gonna forget every single thing about werewolves and witches."

"No! No, I'm not!"

I started pulling at his hands, refusing to look into his eyes anymore but the effect of his words was already taking a toll on me.

"You're gonna leave this place and resume your normal, perfect life as an ordinary human."

"I said...No!" I demanded. A shot of power surged through my body as I suddenly felt hot all over. My eyes blazed and my skin burned. My gaze snapped to King Alpha, watching his eyes widen in surprise before I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away from me.

He slid across the balcony floor, his back slamming against the metal bars across me.

I didn't feel surprised at all that I was able to push King Alpha all across the balcony. The power I felt at that moment was too much. My skin continued burning. My hands itched and tingled.

King Alpha straightened; his mouth parted open in surprise as he looked at me.

Fear soon took control of me and as soon as it did, all the power drained away like someone pulled the bathtub drain plug. I fell onto my knees, drained and breathless.

"I'm..." I breathed hard, almost gasping "not...leaving."

Those were the last words that came out of my mouth before I passed out in utter exhaustion.

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Date: 20 August 2021