There for you,
Troye Sivan x Martin Garrix

Matthew Gray

An ocean.

Filled with different shades of blue and a slight green color. So clear and oh so bright, it looked like a sea that could take me down at any minute for me to drown in it. It was calming. Just looking at the sight makes me want to drown all over again.

That's what I saw in his eyes.

"Matt?" I softly heard someone say, but I couldn't pay any attention to it as I kept thinking.

How his smile bright up the whole entire universe, my whole world. It made the birds sing happily and let other people automatically smile without any particular reason. How I'd die to see such a beautiful and powerful smile ever again.

"Matty?" I heard again, but it looks like I'm imagining it again.

And then you have his-

"Matt!" Someone yelled, now convinced that it wasn't just me hallucinating.

Suddenly reality took me over and I looked in front of me to see Ryan. The little boy had a sad and concerned expression plastered all over his face which made me wonder. It made me realize we were in school, having a lunch break.

When I was about to ask what was up with him, he already spoke up.

"You were thinking about him again, didn't you?" He whispered softly.

It all made sense now. I carefully looked at my other friends that were sitting at this table, but everyone was too busy with talking about god knows what. I turned my head back to Ryan and shook my head as an answer to his question.

"Then what were you thinking about?" He asked suspicious.

"Just school stuff" I tried to convince him with these simple words.

He looked like he didn't believe me at all, but lucky for me he let it go. I know that lying about this won't help me with anything. But how could I ever talk about my dead boyfriend.

Ever since Rain passed away, things haven't been the same anymore. I mean sure, his family got closer to mine and his friends became my family.

But there has always been this black hole inside of me that made me feel so empty and miserable, things nobody could keep me safe from except for him.

How am I supposed to continue without him?

"Hey Matt, can we talk?" Someone interrupted my train of thoughts again.

I looked behind Ryan to find Justin casually standing there with his familiar green backpack that somehow really fits his eyes. I felt the familiar ignorance towards him rising up in my stomach. I didn't even try to keep my hatred towards him hidden.

"I don't see any reasons as to why I should talk to you Justin" My eyes found his and I almost felt this familiar feeling that I haven't been experiencing after..

"Don't act like that Matthew" He snorted, obviously annoyed with my behavior.

I threw daggers at him. That was something between me and him. This asshole was not, I repeat not allowed to call me like that. Somehow that made me even more angry than necessary.

"Don't fucking call me like that" I angrily gritted through my teeth, ready to fight if necessary.

Suddenly Ryan got out of his seat and walked towards me, grabbing my arm in a strong grip. The rest at the table was too distracted to notice what was happening.

"Sorry Justin, maybe another time?" Ryan said nicely before dragging me towards the boys bathroom.

"And now you're going to tell me what the hell your problem is!" Ryan yelled pretty upset.

He reminded me so much of him, it made me want to cry right then and there. Just only his name looked oddly like his. And when he gets mad like that, he really looks as cute as him. They have the same curly brown hair, they're both short, cute, funny and beautiful. The only difference were their eyes and age. Ryan was so much younger than him and I.

Ryan's eyes were brown instead of the beautiful ocean-like ones.

"There's nothing going on Ryan. Justin just really annoys me okay?" Silly me tried to convince him again.

"Do you really think that I'm actually going to believe that?" He stepped a bit closer and tried to comfort me with words like 'it's okay' and 'I'm here', but the truth is that it's not okay.

I stayed quiet, not because of the fact that I didn't want to tell him what has been going on with me even though he could already guess it. It was because of the fact that I didn't know how to explain what I've been feeling, because honestly? I don't even know it myself and it scares the hell out of me.

"I know you were thinking about him" He suddenly broke the silence.

"God, why is it so fucking hard to say his goddamn name?!" I yelled upset and angry.

Ryan looked at me with big eyes and I knew he was slightly scared of me which made me want to hate myself even more.

"Rain! It's fucking Rain!" I cried out loud, knowing I'd get a sore throat later on from screaming so hard. I bet that people who passed by in the hallway could hear me. But right now I couldn't care less.

Before I knew it, I punched the wall over and over again. I didn't care about how much pain was going through my hand right now, because my heart felt numb and that was already enough to make me stop with feeling any emotions. I haven't been saying nor screaming his name for weeks now and it still hurts to say it, knowing I couldn't bring him back.

Luckily, I could control myself and didn't cry. I didn't fully broke down and I never did after what happened. I won't break down. I didn't even cry back then so why now?

Suddenly someone wrapped their arms around me which made me stop punishing myself and the innocent wall. I didn't dare to look up so I buried my head in his neck. I knew these arms belonged to Ryan and that was all I needed to know.

I threw my arms around the shorter boy, holding on for my dear life. I looked emotionless at the wall. It felt bad, but also so good.

It was like I was hugging him again as if he never left me.

As if I never lost a piece of me.

-
Since it's my birthday today I decided to officially publish this story! As a present from me, to you!