Happy Little Pill
Troye Sivan

Matthew Gray

The feeling of my hands going through the soft brown curls was one of the things that I missed the most. I actually never liked the color brown, but this rare shade of brown was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen and I started to love it myself.

It was one of my most favorite features and I couldn't get enough of it.

I couldn't get enough of him.

My eyes fell on Justin and I saw him actually paying attention in class for once. He was writing down some notes for the upcoming History test.

God, how much I hated that useless subject.

I continued to stare at him. Still confused about what happened yesterday night. He only looked a little bit tired right now as if he never cried so hard in front of me, getting all red and shaky. I actually started to feel bad for the poor boy.

After a while he broke our embrace. I didn't want to break it up since I wanted him to feel okay again and I didn't know when he would be ready to continue his life. I wanted him to know that he could take his time.

I actually didn't want our hug to end which made me feel so weird. I felt so many things that I haven't felt in a while and I even felt some new uncommon things. But that was one of the many problems that wasn't on my mind right now. I only seemed to think about what happened to him.

What was he so scared of? What made him so upset?

I'm definitely going to talk to him later on. I need to make sure that he's okay even though he does look a lot better than he did yesterday. My eyes fell on his straight blonde hair.

His hair was so different from his, literally the opposite of it. Then why did I like his hair just as much? And his piercing green eyes was something that made me speechless. His eyes reminded me of the woods, the trees and leaves. A beautiful nature formed into his eyes.

"Mr Gray, please pay attention in class instead of staring at other students. There's a big test coming up soon"

I jumped from the sudden warning and felt my cheeks heat up. I muttered a quick 'sorry' before paying attention to whatever we were talking about, hoping that Justin didn't caught me.

After a whole 30 minute discussion about whether there is going to be a world war three or not, the bell rang and I immediately got out of my seat, gathering my stuff and following Justin as soon as possible.

"Wait, Justin!" I yelled at him, knowing he walked fast just to avoid me.

He stopped since I caught him and he turned around, locking his eyes with me making me freeze in my position and forget what I was about to say. His eyes have small specks of gold in them as if he were some sort of supernatural or something.

How did I never noticed before?

I realized that we were standing too close to each other and took a small step back. That's probably why I just found that out about his eyes.

"What do you want?" Justin snapped at me in disgust which made me feel even worse.

"I- h-how are you d-doing? You know after.." Hoping he would get the hint.

"I'm fine, was that it?" He asked me, not caring.

Why in the hell was he acting like this towards me? I comforted him yesterday and yet he still hasn't told me a word, not even a thank you or something. Yes, we don't like each other. But I was always the one who was the cruel one. He wasn't as bad as me.

Then why now?

He already left before I knew it, leaving me confused and slightly disappointed for some kind of reason.

All the feelings suddenly hit me so hard, it started to make me think about him all over again. Justin reminded me of him so much and I didn't know how to handle it on my own right now.

Maybe I should head home and tell my mom that I'm having the depression phase right now, but then again I have to explain to her why I never told her such a thing.

I sighed and stared to walk home since I didn't think that driving would be such a good idea right now. Along the whole way towards home their was this suffocating pressure on my chest from all the feelings and hurt that I was feeling.

I felt tears pricking in my eyes, but I held them back. I'm not going to let something that small trigger me into this even though I couldn't just avoid this depression right now. I won't cry and I most likely won't break down. I've been holding it pretty well ever since he passed away.

All I wanted to do was to feel nothing.

When I made it home, I immediately searched for my mom.

"Mom?" I barely whispered.

"Honey? Don't you have school today?" I heard her ask and her small figure made her way towards me.

The moment I saw her concerned face and the same brown eyes, except hers weren't boring, looking towards me, I immediately started to shake for some reason, not feeling well and almost not breathing anymore.

She took me in her arms as soon as she saw my face and tried to comfort me by rubbed my back with her small hands even though I was a lot longer than her, she knew how to comfort me whenever I couldn't take it anymore.

"I- I"

"Shh, calm down honey. Just breath and tell me what's going on" She asked me softly, almost as if she was scared that I would just away from her.

I tried to take a deep breath in and out, repeating those actions and to my luck I didn't felt this suffocating feeling anymore and it wasn't as hot around me as it was a couple of seconds ago.

"I- I didn't take my medication and a-nd I f-feel so s-so wrong, I'm n-not worth living" I stuttered and tried to hold back my tears again.

"Hey Matthew, baby look at me" She cupped my cheeks and made me look at her. I could see that she was worried and scared, it made me feel so guilty and I started to hate myself even more.

"How long have you been feeling like this?" She asked me.

"A c-couple of days" I muttered and looking into her eyes.

"What? Oh Matthew dear.. Why?" She looked at me and I felt so relieved that I didn't see any disappointment in her eyes.

"I w-wanted to t-try and though I c-could handle m-myself and all b-but here I a-am" I stuttered, avoiding her gaze.

"This is about him, isn't it?" She suddenly asked me concerned.

I didn't answer which actually confirmed her thoughts.

"It's okay, I get it. But please honey tell me next time okay? I'll call school tomorrow and I need you to stay inside. I'll stay with you" She told me, holding my hands.

I nodded and suddenly feeling a wave of tiredness.

"Go to bed honey and take your medication, I'll check up on you later. Oh and honey? It's okay to cry, you know that right? I haven't even seen you crying ever since what happened.." She said and walked towards the kitchen.

I felt slightly guilty again, but she was always like this when I had these phases. She also made me feel better though, I had the best mother I could ever wish for. Sadly my father left her not long after he passed away. Let's just say that those times were the darkest days of my life.

I made my way towards my room and closed the door. I took my pills and drank a bit of water.

I let out a sigh of relief and went to lay on my bed, but somehow I couldn't fall asleep. I've been staring at the ceiling for hours now. All I could think about were his blue eyes, brown hair, cute smile, amazing personality.

Him.

It was currently 1 am and I knew that my mom was sleeping by now. I couldn't just wake her up, but I know that I couldn't survive the night like this either, not alone again anyways.

"Hey Matthew, why such a sad face?" I heard a familiar voice that I haven't heard in a while.

I sat up from my bed and jumped when I saw him, standing in front of my bed. He looked okay and so real as if I could touch him. This can't be real.

"Y-you're not real, y-you d-died!" I said and backed away, curling up against the headboard of my bed.

I tried to hold back the tears as I looked into his ocean like eyes, making me remember all the good memories that we shared together. All the kisses, hugs and late night conversations.

"I'm real Matthew, I'm here" He laughed that amazing laughter of his.

"Y-you're not real. You're not real. You're not real" I whispered to myself.

Breathing seemed to get harder and I tried to block him out of my mind repeating that he wasn't real over and over again.

I was done with all these feelings and thoughts so I stood up and went to my bathroom, searching for something that someone gave me at this party to forget, at least that's what he told me.

To forget.

I couldn't deal with this anymore. I needed to forget and stop feeling anything anymore so when I finally found the drugs I took one almost immediately and made sure my mom wouldn't hear me as I sneaked out of the house, walking away from all the bad memories again.

I couldn't eat, talk, breath, sleep, think, feel and move. He was the highlight of my life and suddenly that light faded away, leaving me here being in the dark, alone.

I walked and walked and walked around the neighborhood. I slowly felt myself growing more and more confused as to why I was outside and why I was here. Shouldn't I be laying in my bed? My heartbeat started to pick up since breathing became a bit harder.

I went to sit against some wall as started to grow tired so I closed my eyes, focusing on my breath and before I knew it everything went black.

"Matthew?" I heard Tyler say, which woke me up.

I yawned and tiredly looked up at him as he helped me to get up. My eyes started to burn really bad and my lips went dry all the time even when I licked my lips.

I suddenly started to giggle a bit and threw my arms around him as I almost fell. He tried to support me by holding my arms around his neck and shoulders.

"What the hell? Your eyes are red Matt and you're acting weird. Wait, have you been taking drugs?!" I heard him ask angry.

"N-noooooo" I giggled, suddenly feeling sad and started to frown.

"I- I wanted to f-forget h-him" I yelled hard, feeling upset as tears formed in my eyes again which I pushed away for the I don't know how many times.

His face expression softened from my sudden mood change. As if he felt sorry for me.

"He really meant a lot to you, didn't he?" He murmured, but I didn't hear the half of it since I was so distracted by the cars driving around.

The cars looked like big insects following each other or even better: they were racing! Yay! Insects race! When I was about to start clapping and yelling for them Tyler interrupted me.

"Come on, let's get you back home" He said and took me to his car without me even realizing it.

I needed to feel nothing for once. I wanted to forget, to feel alive again. I had to drive the sadness and hurt away from my dark broken aura.

At least I could say,

My happy little pill took me away and brought colors to my skies.