Say you won't let go,
James Arthur

Matthew Gray

Finding out I was bipolar took a whole turn on my life. It was just three years ago that I learned about the mental illness itself and how it had its effect on me.

My parents told me that they always knew that there was something different about me. They said that one time I was talking really fast and changing topics all the time to suddenly feeling really sad without any particular reason or just about small things that upset me.

This all happened when I was little so there wasn't anything too weird that happened until three years ago, October 29th.

I bought a new car while my old car was only a year old and I bought the exact same car except for the color and it had leather seats. My whole reason for buying the car is that I HAD to have leather seats. The leather seats didn't hold up very well though.

A couple of days later I started to feel pretty much sad, I didn't want to eat, sleep or leave my bed. All I could do was crying and thinking about how much I wanted to end it all. My parents found me, basically drowning myself in a bathtub full of ice cubes.

It was my dad who convinced my mom to let me see a doctor and not long after that, we found out about me being bipolar. I got medication and had therapy sessions once in a while so I could learn about the illness and how it works for me.

Now I only have a therapy session once a month and I only need to take my medication on days that I am starting to get manic or feel depressed again. My mom tries to keep me at home as much as possible and she has this 'deal' with the school principal about it.

If I'm being very honest, it was actually hard to live like this. I lost a lot of friends and people judged me very easily over this. Most of them are scared of me and of what I will do so that's why I'm not open about everything and I'm mostly closed off, trying to push everyone away. That's why not a lot of people know this.

So when he understood me and accepted me for who I am, I immediately felt such a good and warm feeling that I haven't been feeling in ages. It was good to finally have someone who wasn't judging you and actually helps you.

Yet he had to leave me behind, in this hellhole of a life.

Ever since he passed away, my bipolar disorder haven't been the best and I'm trying to hide it from everyone as much as possible. The second my parents find out about this they'll take me to my therapist again and I wasn't exactly thrilled about that. I could take care of myself. I didn't need anyone to help me out, his death only made me realize that I really was on my own all these years and I'll still be on my own.

Luckily only him, Ryan and my parents knew about this so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding it unless I'd be manic again.

So when I sat next to Ryan again right now, who I haven't seen since what happened in the school bathroom yesterday, I felt like my whole world was about to collapse.

He knew.

He knew that I was feeling more and more depressed lately. Me showing my feelings was a rare thing since I always tried to hide it as much as I could and when it actually gets bad, like yesterday, I mostly just go home.

I felt his sickening sharp gaze on me. It was as if he was trying to expose me.

"Hey Matt?" I heard him ask, but I didn't look up at him, not wanting Ryan to suspect anything.

I could never lie while looking at someone in the eyes. I mean I could. I just wasn't convincing enough for most people plus I'm more emotionally connected towards Ryan than any other person in our friend group.

"What's up?" I tried to ask casually and focusing my eyes on Tyler and Cam having a discussion about which girl in school is hotter.

"No, I swear to god Britney has way better boobs than Michelle. I mean, have you ever touched them?" Tyler said trying to convince him.

"But Michelle has a way better body, I bet that she basically fucked everyone in her classes" * said in a dreamy way, which made me shiver.

What am I proud to be gay.

I tried not to look grossed out so I focused myself on Ryan again who had this slightly worried expression on his face.

Here we go again, the fucking sympathy.

"How are you? Y'know after yesterday.." He asked me, trying to look through me with his brown eyes.

"I'm good, thanks. Just didn't have a good day yesterday" I said in an uninterested way, which came out way meaner than it actually was meant to be.

I felt Ryan his gaze on me as if he suspected something and it started to get me on my nerves. Okay maybe I had a little episode yesterday, so what? I don't need everyone to fucking babysit me all the freaking time! My parents are already bad enough.

"You stopped taking your medicines, didn't you?" Ryan whispered so nobody would pick up on our conversation, which made me look straight at him.

"For gods sake Ryan! So yes, I wasn't in a good mood yesterday? That doesn't mean that it immediately has something to do with it!" I yelled upset, but sounding more irritated and grumpy.

I got up from my seat and found everyone looking at me, I probably screamed that a little bit too hard. Ryan his expression was sad and mostly looking hurt, which gave me a pang of guilt.

At this point I just couldn't care less. I'm so done with everyone trying to look out for me, having sympathy with me and assuming that I'm drowning myself in what ever the hell happened to my now ex-boyfriend.

-----------------------------------------

Later that day I found myself laying in my bed for a good couple of hours, staring at the ceiling and blank walls. I was making myself crazy and upset with my negative yet saddening thoughts. I wasn't sure if this was because of him or if I was just having another episode. Maybe it was both.

I decided that this was enough for me and I went outside for some reason. I knew that I had to get out of that house, away from the paining memories that kept haunting me and making me suffer. I couldn't stay there anymore, slowly getting mentally insane again.

Even though it was raining outside, I couldn't care less. I wore a warm sweater and jacket anyways. I didn't care about my hair or how I looked anymore anyways. I haven't been shaving after his death so I wasn't looking that great anyways.

Suddenly it seemed to rain harder and harder. The clouds started to get darker and darker, making everything look more depressing than it already was. Nobody was found on the streets except for me, or that's what I thought until someone who ran into me.

"S-sorry! I-I d-d-didn't-" I heard a panicking and familiar voice which made me look up into his green eyes that bright up the whole neighborhood ever since it was getting dark outside.

"Justin? Why so paranoid? What are you doing here? Have you been crying?" I asked him, ignoring my own train of thoughts when I saw that his eyes were all puffy and red.

He didn't say anything and kept looking at me for what seemed to be hours. Out of nowhere he started to cry out loud, which broke my heart for him right then and there.

I may not like Justin, but I wasn't that heartless. I've never seen him like this, so broken and actually vulnerable.

What made him feel that kind of way?

A panicking feeling started to rise up. I was never good at comforting someone and never knew what to do, except for when it happened to him. What was I supposed to do in a situation like this? I couldn't just leave him there, could I?

I did the only I could ever think about and even surprised myself with it, I hugged him. I know he was shocked since I felt him tense around my arms. After a while I started to get worried and wanted to say something, but I luckily already felt his arms snaking around my neck, pulling me close and feeling him relax in our embrace.

That's how we stayed with each other for a while, not giving a damn about the pouring rain or about getting a cold. It was nice, not being mean towards each other for once and just staying here in a comfortable silence, without any questions being asked. Somehow his arms felt safe which scared me a little and made me feel confused all over again. There was only one person who could make me feel that way and that certainly wasn't Justin.

But there we were, two boys who deeply despised each other from the bottom of their hearts, embracing each other in the rain and in the dark.

Matt did felt weird about the whole situation. He never liked Justin in any kind of way. And not only because of what he did to him, but he already knew from the start that Justin was a bad guy and he would be nothing but bad news.

But yet,

They met each other in the dark.