Symphony
Zara Larsson x Clean Bandit

Matthew Gray

My eyes slowly opened to meet up with the bright sunlight coming out of my window, which makes me shut my eyes tight. I instantly started to groan once I felt my head throbbing and this anxiety that has been hanging on my chest.

I turned on my belly and hugged my pillow to my chest. This felt even worse than a regular hangover. I think I misjudged my depression big time. I finally thought that everything went so well yet I feel like a truck ran me over and over again.

That's the one thing I really hate about this abnormal disorder. Sometimes it kind of seems to trick me. You think that it actually isn't as bad as you thought it was and you finally almost start to feel normal/better again. Then suddenly you feel all the bad and negative thoughts and feelings hit you all over again, knocking you right back to the start. It's like fighting didn't work anymore since you always seemed to start over.

What was the point in fighting if it constantly would stay like this?

Maybe I should've drank something last night, but then again I'm glad I didn't do anything as stupid like that, I would've regret it and may do something stupid either yesterday or today. It probably would have been worse than right now even though I didn't think this could get any worse.

Everything went downhill the moment I felt rejected by Justin. I wasn't worth it, everyone hated me and nobody cared. And then I also saw him kissing this girl, not only confusing me. It also kind of felt like he was disowning him in some sort of way. He said that he made him realize that he was into boys and not girls.

Was that his way of telling me that he didn't want to have to do anything with me?

Because it worked. I'm not worth anyone's time. Hell, maybe he actually wanted to leave me too. Maybe he was pitying me. Let's be real, I was pathetic and useless after all.

Right now I felt so many unspoken emotions that I couldn't even describe them myself. I was lonely, because nobody wanted me. I was so intense angry at myself, because whatever I did I was and would never be good enough. I was anxious, because everyone scared the hell out of me without even trying to. I was hurt and damaged by my mental illness, thanks to this I made some bad mistakes and I was abnormal, because my ex-friends and loved ones left me in the dark ever since I tried to talk and be open about this disorder; I was left in the dark. And as last I was depressed, because god decided to give me this decease to make me want to kill myself at any time and any second of the day.

Suddenly it felt as if I couldn't deal with all of these overwhelming and strong feelings anymore. I didn't know how to deal with them. I've been taking my medication and I don't want to go to see my therapist. No I don't need to talk about what happened or how I feel. I didn't need that. I didn't deserved to talk and vent.

Everything was fine. I was fine.

I knew exactly what this all meant for me. This is a day that I won't leave my bed anymore for anything.

I let out what seem to be like the longest sigh of my life and took my phone from the nightstand to see if I got anything in particular, but I didn't receive any messages.

See, nobody cares about you. You're just a stupid useless faggot.

I shook my head to prevent getting more sad and somehow after a while I found myself going through a conversation that I haven't been able to look at for a while.

It was from him and me.

I looked at the last message that he ever send to me before he died in front of me in the hospital, taking a piece of me up to heaven that also died right there in that small room.

My beautiful boyfriend

Matthew, I know you're probably sleeping right now and this is so random. I just wanted to say that I love you so much and I can't wait till you visit me again tomorrow. I think everything might be just fine for us, I don't feel so sick anymore. Yes Matthew, I don't feel sick anymore! I'm going to be okay, we're going to be okay baby. | 01:23 A.M.

I never responded to it since it only took me like 5 minutes to get to him when I read that message. I needed to be with him and tell him face to face how much he actually meant to me so I excitedly climbed up to his room since the visiting hours were over and I had to sneak in somehow. And maybe it was also my bipolar disorder that made me do something as crazy like that.

It's after all my fault that he died.

I did this to him and I could never forgive myself for that. I knew he was tired and probably couldn't take it anymore, it has been hurting him so much. I told him it was okay to close his eyes, to give up his fight.

I killed him.

I felt a lump forming into my throat and my eyes started to water making my vision blurry, but I held everything back in. I deserved this torture, this grief, this pain.

It was me who should've died in there and not him. I didn't deserve to be alive, he did.

How I would do anything to see his clear ocean blue eyes so I could drown in them all over again, making me forget my own name instantly. How I would love to snake my fingers around his soft brown curls. How I would have been happy to hear his laugh for another day. Just hearing his voice lit me up. How I would die to just have him here with me right now, one more time.

I couldn't help but be so selfish and miss him.

Another long sigh left me mouth as I rolled on my back and stared at the ceiling for what seemed to be like hours, only thinking about him and how everything went from a miracle to a disaster real quick.

"Matt? Are you home?" I heard my mom from the other side of the room, but I didn't care to respond.

After a couple of seconds she already went into my room and stared at my blank face, but I kept staring at the wall.

"Matthew.."

She sat on my bed and looked at me, but I tried to ignore the gaze that was burning on me.

"Oh Matthew honey" I heard her voice lace with worry as she went through my hair with her hand a couple of times, probably trying to comfort me without any success though.

"You look like you haven't been sleeping for ages. You're eyes have dark circles and you're hair is really messy. Baby, have you been here all day!?" She asked me surprised.

The only thing I could do was nod. I probably would cry for the first time since what happened to him and I couldn't deal with that right now. I wasn't allowed to cry. I'm not weak, I should stay strong. I didn't have to cry just because my boyfriend died and everything else went to shit. I didn't need to cry just because I was a disgrace for everyone including Justin.

"Do you even know what time it is?" She asked me again and I shook my head.

"Honey, it's almost 9 P.M." She smiled weakly towards me as her hand now caressed my cold cheek.

This did made me look at her. I didn't know that time actually went that fast. I've been in my bed since yesterday evening and didn't care to eat nor drink something.

"Why didn't you just told me?" She asked me worried as she sighs, but I still didn't dare to speak up.

It was as if I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to say, what to think or what to do.

"It's okay honey, I'm not mad at you. I get it. I'm going to make you something to eat and drink. I'll call your school tomorrow to explain about today. You go and take a shower, don't forget to take your medicines okay?" She asked me.

I slowly nodded again, not wanting to fight and worry her even more. She was about to walk away until she stopped.

"And Matthew honey? It's okay to cry and let it all out. Don't torture yourself by keeping it all in" She suddenly said before she left me to freshen up myself.

How in the hell do mothers know everything?

I eventually sighed and got up from bed. I did what she asked me to. I worried her to death, this was the least I could do.

After I took a shower, took my medicine and changed myself into a comfortable hoodie and some sweatpants, I was about to go downstairs until I heard my phone ringing.

"Hello?" I answered my phone.

"Matty! Oh thank god" I heard Ryan sigh in relief.

"Why are you calling me?" I asked him in a soft, almost shy tone.

"I tried to reach you all day long Matt! I haven't seen you since yesterday and I didn't see you at school today either. Is everything okay? You sound different?" He rambled a bit, but I barely understand the half of it since I wasn't really there with my mind.

"Uh yeah, I'm totally fine. I-uh just have this massive hangover" I lied, hoping he wouldn't pick up on it. I was such a bad liar.

"But.. You can't drink while you're taking your antidepressants?" He asked me sounding suspicious.

"Look Ryan, I got to go bye" I muttered really fast and immediately hung up on him.

I slightly felt bad about constantly lying to my own best friend. But I didn't need help or someone to worry and look out for me, I was fine. I'm not a little kid anymore. I could take care of myself.

I walked downstairs to see a plate filled with pancakes and some fruit besides them on the dinner table. She knew it was my favorite food and in that moment I was actually happy to have my mom.

"Thank you mom" I whispered, sitting down and dug in my food, realizing how hungry I actually were.

"If you need anything, just call me okay?" She said and kissed my cheek before going to what I guess, her room.

After I finished everything I heard the bell ringing so I made my way towards the door wondering who the hell that could be.

I opened the front door and was actually surprised to see Ryan standing there with a bag filled with different kinds of candy, chocolate and chips.

"R-Ryan? What..? What are you doing here?" I asked with my mouth slightly hanging open, practically gaping at the small boy.

"I'm your best friend Matthew, how could you expect from me not to know that something was wrong? I'm guessing you're having a depression episode now, am I right?" He asked me so I sadly had to admit by nodding, feeling ashamed so I instantly looked away before I would blush like a total idiot.

"Hey look at me Matt" I heard him sigh, but I did look back at him.

"It's okay, I brought all of your favorite snacks so we can do whatever you want to do. I asked my parents to stay the night and your mom is also fine with it" He said and went inside, inviting himself like how probably every best friend would do.

In that moment I realized how good of a friend Ryan was and I was so glad that I met him through him. I only trusted Ryan these days and he did so many things for me for example putting up with me.

I was glad that he knew about my disorder, that he knew what I needed and wanted whenever I had an episode. And that he knew how he had to act around me. Maybe it would be okay after all.

I closed the door and followed him towards my room, almost smiling.

"So, what do you want to do?" He asked and looked at me as he took off his jacket and shoes, putting them aside.

"I just want to lay in bed to be honest" I said and shrugged.

"Cuddling it is" he agreed and we laid next to each other covered in warm blankets until I leaned my head on his chest, throwing my arms around the small boy and slowly closing my eyes after a while.

"Thank you" I whispered at him, feeling really tired since I haven't been sleeping a lot and slowly falling asleep on his chest, feeling his hands rubbing on my back.

It felt good yet so wrong. It almost felt as if I was with him again, making me realize that he wasn't here anymore.

And when he was gone I felt incomplete
And if I could tell him the truth:

All I wanted was to be part of his symphony.