Chandelier
Sia

Matthew Gray

"You what?" My mom grinned and had a huge smirk plastered on her face.

"I kissed him.. on the cheek" I muttered embarrassed that I said it out loud while trying to realize that I really just did that without looking back at it.

"See! I knew that you liked him!" She yells out loud and looks like she can jump at any minute of the day right now.

"No no mom! This is serious! What if he hates me now?! I don't even like him like that" I whined and started to worry about it.

What must he have thought when I did that? What if he absolutely disgusts me right now? I was so happy and excited for my grade, it just happened in the heat of the moment. He helped me after all. I didn't mean to actually do that.

"Oh honey.. Okay if it really wasn't that big of a deal then don't worry about it yeah? He seems like a nice guy so he will understand that you did that by accident. Maybe he didn't even look back at it at all" She shrugged and moved in front of me to envelope me in a warm motherly hug.

The thought of that caused a weird feeling inside of me. Maybe he didn't even look back at it and totally didn't care.

But why did that bug me so much?

"You know Matthew, I'm so proud of you baby. You just opened up and told me at least something about your day today, you haven't been doing that in months" She smiles soft.

"I-I'm sorry" I muttered and looked at the ground.

"No honey, don't apologize. I know that you're going through a rough time right now. I can see that you're trying and slowly open up a bit. I haven't seen you this happy in a while and I'm so proud to call you my son. Now come here, give your mother a hug" She smiled and if I looked really good, I'd almost say that she had tears in her eyes.

I grinned and wrapped my arms around her small, fragile body as I felt her arms around my back. That's how we stood there for a couple of minutes. I'm actually not the guy who usually likes cuddles, but sometimes it does feel good especially in times of sadness.

"I'm gonna head back upstairs okay?" I said and smiled a bit.

"Call me if you need anything" I heard her say before I went upstairs.

"Will do" I yelled as I entered my room and looked around.

It was honestly time to clean my room before Justin will be visiting my house again. Last time I wasn't prepared. He can't think that I'm some messy pig or something.

I started with changing the sheets and cleaning my bed, putting every pillow pretty neatly on my bed. Then I picked all of the clothes that was all spread across the room and put them in the laundry whilst humming a familiar song to make cleaning go easier for me.

I actually started wondering what Ryan and Justin might be doing right now. They haven't really contacted me any further so I didn't try to bother the both of them either.

Somehow I did saw a picture of them together on Ryan's Snapchat. I couldn't help but have this nagging feeling into my stomach. They never hung out before so why now all of the sudden? It bothered me way too much than it should and I wasn't sure why.

I sighed and looked around the room. It already started to look a whole lot better. I put all the clothes that I haven't worn, back in my closet which didn't took me very long since most of my clothes were already in my closet.

After that I ordered my desk and placed everything in either a small cabinet or placed it on top of my desk. Luckily I was almost done and looked proud around my room. It hadn't been looking like this in months. My life became one hell of a rollercoaster and so my room did too.

The only thing I needed to do was putting my guitar and some pictures away. I picked up my guitar and placed it on my bed for now. I decided to put the pictures on my wall. Maybe it would help me when I'm feeling down once again, looking at all the good moments and thinking about how good life can be.

There were only like three pictures left and my eyes suddenly caught a glimpse of a familiar old picture.

I grabbed the picture and felt my legs became weak so I slowly walked back and sat down on my bed before I'd collapse. My hands slowly traced the small paper.

It was the picture we made together when we just got official. I couldn't help but smile at the memory yet it made me feel empty and lonely inside if not almost depressed.

I took the second picture into my hand and saw that it was myself whilst laughing about something that probably was the most stupidest thing ever. He took that when I wasn't paying attention.

Then my eyes fell on the last and third picture and that was another one of us together with me kissing his cheek while he was giggling like crazy. His ocean eyes were closed and he had one of the widest smiles I've ever seen. His curly brown hair fell a bit over his forehead and his adorable dimples were clearly showing off.

I couldn't help but be selfish and miss him. My heart clenched when I looked at the pictures, thinking back at those memories. All they were right now were just memories.

Memories we shared together, something that was important to us and only us. Only we could understand this and others wouldn't understand it the way we experienced this.

It makes me realize even more how important it is to cherish every little moment with someone. Sure, they were little. But the small moments are always the best moments with someone. Before you know it, it can be gone in just a blink.

I put the pictures away once I felt myself getting more depressed and I looked at my crappy guitar that was laying there on my bed. The guitar is literally half broken, but I never had the money to get a new one since those are quite expensive. I ruined the guitar by myself, but that's a story for another day.

When he found out that I liked playing guitar, he tried to encourage me from day one ever since the first date yet I denied it. I had to keep my reputation so I only played once in a while for him. I fully quit playing ever since he left the world. I couldn't bear touching or even thinking about something that associated with him. I just couldn't. He gave me this guitar in the first place.

I placed the guitar on my lap and put my fingers on some strings. Before I knew it I started playing. It was as if it just went automatically without my consent.

The familiar melody of 'Chandelier' filled the quiet room and I softly started singing.

"Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame"

I poured my heart out into this song. I put all of my stress, anger and sadness into this song. I even felt my voice crack, but that didn't matter.

"One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink
One, two, three, one, two, three, drink"

For a moment everything around me was gone. It was just me and my guitar.

"Throw em back till I lose count
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist"

From all the songs I ever sang, this one had to be the most powerful one. It was because I meant every word of it and this was my current state.

"I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier"

And saying that my heart just hurts would be an understatement.

"And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight"

This was some sort of way to connect with him. That's what it felt like to play and sing again.

"Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes"

My heart was already shattered. Is it weird that I feel like my heart is breaking all over again?

"Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight"

" On for tonight "

" On for tonight "