five || unsteady

true to his word, michael brought some of liz's cookies the next time he visited her grave.

the grass was finally dry, for once, so michael sat next to her and leaned against her tombstone, writing furiously in his notebook.

i miss you a lot, dearest. you're forever in my mind. i can't get you out, which i guess is a good thing, cos i don't want you out. it'd be a damn shame if someone as amazing as you were forgotten.

luke's trying to forget, i know he is. he thinks i should forget, too. but moving on is different from forgetting.

i'll never forget.

michael closed his notebook and sighed, closing his eyes and leaning against the tombstone. he missed her like crazy.

it was the kind of day that she would have liked. she loved warm, crisp days, the ones with incredibly blue skies spotted with puffy white clouds. it looked like a scene from a fairy tale.

except he was at a cemetery.

he had to go back to school next week, an ordeal he wasn't ready to go through. but, as much as he wished, he still had to go through high school. as he stood, he grimaced at the thought of two and a half more years in hell.

it was getting easier to come and visit, almost routine. it still hurt, of course, and he suspected it always would. but it was a different kind of pain. instead of a scalding, searing pain that blocked out all other sensations, it was like pressing on a bruise. it hurt, but it was manageable.

his phone rang, shattering the silence of the cemetery, and he glanced at the caller id.

"hey, luke," he said. "what's up?"

"i just wanted to call and see if you were okay," luke said, sounding clearly relieved on the other end. "i dropped by your house after class today to see if you wanted to hang out, but you were gone."

michael's parents worried that michael was becoming too dependent on luke. luke's parents worried that luke was becoming too overbearing. but the two boys just had a functioning coping system. it worked, even if it made no sense.

"yeah, sorry, i was visiting. trying to see her as much as possible before i'm stuck in hell for six hours a day," michael said, smiling to himself when luke laughed.

"it's a pain," he agreed. "so... still wanna hang out? or are you okay?"

"i'm okay, but that doesn't mean i can't hang out with you. what were you thinking?" michael asked.

luke hummed into the phone as he thought, and michael could hear him tapping the steering wheel. "video games," luke decided. "unoriginal, but effective."

"extremely," michael agreed, getting into his car and starting the engine. "i'll be home in fifteen minutes, and then you can check out my new sick man cave."

-

"this is so unfair. i have to be at school doing maths and writing essays while you hang out here?" luke asked incredulously, looking around the man cave in awe. "unbelievably jealous. unbelievably. what the heck!"

michael chuckled, sitting on the couch and turning on the tv. "the perks of getting your heart smashed into irreparable bits by the death of your girlfriend," he said rather bitterly.

luke shot him a look. "irreparable?" luke asked, eyebrows furrowing in concern.

michael waved him off. "don't freak out. i'm just... exaggerating. trying to buy myself more time," he said weakly.

"more time away from school?"

michael nodded.

school had been hell while she was alive. with her gone, it was his own personal torture chamber, a special circle of hell designated just for him. he hated the idea of having to go back and open his locker, knowing hers was right next to his, knowing it had already been pried open and enptied. he hated the thought of going to class and sitting next to a seat that would be forever empty, because she was dead. or, even worse, having her place filled by someone else.

it was just a nightmare.

he'd written about it in his notebook.

he spent his last few days of freedom playing video games, sleeping, and trying to hold himself together.

monday came way too fast.

he wasn't ready to go back. he wasn't ready for everyone to see how pale and thin he'd gotten, how quiet, how withdrawn, how reserved. he wasn't ready for all the prying, inquiring eyes and inquisitive voices that meant no harm but did all the harm in the world.

he wasn't ready to face the world without her.

-

ahhh i finally updated.

do you think mikey is getting better?

-h