"Bravest thing I ever did was run."
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I stroke on the plain white sheet with my ink pen. It looks pretty, almost alluring. It's the fifth design that I'm drawing today and I'm not bored, even though my hands feel like it's enough and my brain can't think anymore, I still keep on creating them. I need to do this for the sake of my mind. I need to be distracted. I need my mind to be occupied by something all the time so that I don't think about something else.

I have my new phone on speaker listening to Da Eun ranting to me about how bad her tests went and how she can't afford failing the main semester exams which will be happening in less than a month.

I keep on humming in between, not thinking about exams much. I'll be leaving soon, in less than three days, I'll be out of here.

I don't think much about it. Am I happy with it? Do I want it? Will I be satisfied with it? Is it what's meant for me?

Honestly, I've always wanted to be in France ever since I've started creating my own designs. I have always wanted to work with big designing houses there, see the world of fashion with my own eyes and I've had it planned. After my graduation, I had decided to move out to France.

Now, due to unfortunate circumstances, I have to move out soon. I should be happy about it, excited to be there, and live my dream even though it's a little early. But I just don't feel anything. Most of the time, my mind is numb and I think it's ok. It is ought to be considering how fragile my organ is.

I take my pills regularly, talked with my therapist yesterday and she told me that it'll be ok soon, that I'll figure it out, I can do it, but I don't believe her. Still, I just nod and get it over with.

I don't feel like it. I don't feel like me.

“How cold is it there?” Da Eun asks me.

Countryside winters are usually way colder than in the cities. Not being here in this mansion for many years made me completely forget how cold it gets in here.

The place is warm enough but only when the fireplace is constantly running and heaters are on everywhere. It's a hassle with the fireplace considering the mansion is almost seventy years old with renovations done from time to time to keep it young, but not to reform it into something it is not. I like it like this. Old but comfortable.

“It is quite cold,” I answer her, my focus still on the paper.

“are you warm? Do you need anything? “she asks me, worries.

“No, I'm ok. It's warm in here,” I tell her, finally looking up to cover my shoulders up with the warm blanket.

The fire cackles in front of me in the fireplace which was lit by Patricia, my caretaker cum nurse here. She gives such a motherly vibe, I like it.

“How are mom and dad?” I ask her.

“They're ok. Still hurt by the fact that you refused to take them with you,” she tells me.

I sigh.

When I came back home three days back, I knew I wanted out of there. I couldn't be at a place where memories linger, where it bleeds out of every corner I look at. I needed space too, away from my family. I know they care for me a lot but I don't want to be pampered like a child. I want to go through this on my own.

And no place was better than where I am right now. This mansion has always felt more like a home to me.

“Tell them I'll come home soon, before the flight,” I say, the news bitter on my tongue.

“Um, how's other things?” I ask her, my fingers fidgeting with the pen in my hand.

I gulped, my chest feeling uneasy just a second after asking her the question I can't ask directly. I hope she's smart enough to know what I'm talking about.

I wait as she pauses for a moment. What happened?

“He's good, he's awake,” she finally tells me and I close my eyes in relief.

I know we're not on the same path anymore but I can't not be grateful to him for saving me. I know we're not meant to be with each other but I can't erase him away from my system so easily especially when he risked everything for me.

“When?” I ask, coming out as a low whisper, relief flooding my voice.

“Yesterday,” she answers.

“That's good.”

There's a pause again.

“Hana, there's something I think you should know despite everyone being against you knowing it,” she says.

I sit up straighter. My gaze turns stern as I look into the fireplace lit up with blazing fire and suddenly feel it's heat in my body.

“What is it?” I ask her, my heartbeat getting weird.

“Jungkook was here yesterday,” she tells me.

I stay silent, Look Into the fireplace again. Is it true? There are so many questions that I want to ask her right away. How is he? How did he look? What did he say? was he looking for me?

But I don't. I am moving on from him and it is not ok for me  to ask so many questions all at once.

so I stay silent and just hope that she understands what I am actually thinking. After a long pause, when none of us said anything I finally spoke.

“Was he ok?” I ask her.

“yes, he did look like. but there was something else,” she hesitates a little.

“What is that?” I ask.

“He is looking for you, Hana.”

My heart drops and stomach churns. Of course, I didn't think that he wouldn't. After literally risking his life for me, I knew that he would come for me. I knew that after he woke up he would look for me. He would think about where I am. I am sure he was confused and I am sure he might've felt a little hurt.

Though I don't know what would have happened when he met my parents there, I do think they didn't have a very good reaction for him. If they had then they would  have told me. they would have called me. I talk with them everyday and i did talk with them last night too but they didn't tell me about him.

“Did you tell him where I was?” I ask her.

“no,” she answers.

“that's good, then.”

“ do you think he knows that you are there in your grandparents mansion.”

“ I don't know. I don't even know if I had told him that I have a mansion like this.”

“what if he knows about it? did you tell him before?”

I don't really recall it. may be I have but the fact that he is not here means that even if I have he doesn't remember it anymore,” I shrug, immediately hating it.

She hums.

“are you happy, Hana?” she asks me.

“yeah I am,” I prompt, even though deep down I know the answer isn't it.

The answer is different but I don't let it show. What difference does it make? I'll be out of here soon and he won't even remember me anymore. He will move on. He has to. He has a whole future ahead of him. He  has a company to take after. A gang to lead. I do not have any real importance in his life.

I would just think that this is an experience, a mistake that I have to take a lesson from and move on. We both have a nice life ahead, we'll be ok. Right?

“I believe you,” Da Eun says.

With my mind still thinking about him visiting my parents yesterday, I can't keep up with the conversation with her so I say my goodbye to her. Told her to take care of herself, Jae and my parents and then end the call.

I put my phone next to me on the soft velvet sofa when a black kitten waltzes into the room, her tiny form barely visible on the dark brown wooden flooring but the way she's purring, I can see her.

“Hi, baby,” I call for her, forming a smile on my face.

She's Maria- I named her that. I brought her with me on the very first day I crashed here. I took her from the animal shelter I volunteered in. Her mom was a stray and after giving birth to her and her siblings passed away. I couldn't take all her siblings, so I just took her. I desperately needed a company- a quite company, to be honest.

It's considered therapy. Fur therapy is what they call it and though she's tiny, I can't really hug her but it feels nice to have her here. I look at her, observe her tiny adorable moments and it is enough to keep my brain occupied for a while.

Maria pads towards my sofa and shrieks loud, looking up at me. My dull heart feels a little light. At least she wants me.

With gentle hands, I pick her up to put her on my lap, covering her with the blanket. She tries to bite me at first, in the mood of playing but I can't. I'm tired.

It's 8 in the morning. It's really cold outside. I remember seeing a snow alert on my phone. It might snow tonight and it feels lonely to think that I'll be alone with this first snow.

Maria purrs in my lap, bringing my attention to this tiny fur ball. Well, yes not fully alone.

I get up from my seat and groan as my muscles strain. I've been sitting in the same position for last eight hours at least. I hadn't slept the whole night. I couldn't ever since the incident happened. My mind shakes me awake every time I try to sleep.

My doctor and therapist said that it's because I'm thinking a lot, taking stress and not relaxing my mind. They're right but I don't know how to stop this.

With Maria in my hand, I walk towards the long French windows of the mansion. I look out at the freezing lake. If it snows well these coming days, it'll freeze completely. I remember the Christmas days. The whole yard would turn white. Usually when it's this time, it excites me to witness the white fluff of snow all around the mansion but I don't feel any excitement anymore.

"Miss Kim, your breakfast is ready," Patricia's motherly voice talks behind me.

I look around to look at her petite chubby body. I've known her since I was little, she has been around. She was there when I was born and took care of mom post delivery. She's a nice friend of hers and has always given me gifts and dishes she used to cook. She's really good at that.

"Patricia, please call me Hana, you know I find it weird. I'm your daughter's age," I again complain for hundredth time and she always forget it.

She smiles at me remembering all the times I've told her to call me by my name.

"Sorry, Mis- Hana," she sighs.

"Don't be. About breakfast, I'll be there at the table in a few," I tell her and she nods before leaving the room.

I take my few minutes looking outside the window, mapping the scenery in my mind forever, keeping the numb feeling in my brain and chest alive.

It'll be juuust fine.

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5 in the evening.

The time on the phone screen shows me as I  turn the engine off after a long journey.

I could've been here sooner but I started my journey at 12 in the noon, after I woke up from long long sleep.

My parents- I love them, but sometimes they appear to be so against me. Last night, in the bowl full of prescribed medicines that I took, they slipped in a sleeping pill so that I can have a good rest. Well I did. Good twelve hours of sleep. More than necessary but it wasted so much time for me.

They don't know that I don't have much time. I just reached the location that Seokjin texted me last night when I was sleeping. The dawn is approaching and if the news is right, it might snow. There are heavy clouds that I can see. The journey wasn't much of a hassle. Due to snow alert, people are in their houses all warm and cozy.

But here I am, out in cold with no shelter, because I don't really feel like being at home. I could've stayed at my parents' house, or my apartment but they don't feel like home anymore. The thought of being there without her sickens me.

Which is why I'm here.

I exhale and then open the door of my car. Sudden sharp cold air slids into my warm car and blows on my face. Fuck, it's cold. I wonder if Hana is OK. Her body gets a lot colder even under AC in summers, I hope she's warm.

I don't know how I'm going to convince her, how I'm going to get her back but like my father told me last night I'll figure it out somehow. My parents were standing by the entrance door, they watched me leave the premises of my house in the noon.

I don't know what to expect. I don't know if she knows that I went to her place, I don't know if she is even expecting me.

What if she's ok with this? What if she doesn't really want us anymore?

So many questions. But I have to tread gently. I need her, like she is. I don't want her to hate me either. I don't know how that'll happen because I'm not very sane when it comes to her.

I can be anything, do anything for her as long as she's next to me always. It's fucking crazy but it's true. I've always heard them say 'you don't know what you've got until it's gone'. And though I've always known what I had and I cherished what I had, what I didn't really understand was the feeling of it.

I was so driven with this want and need for her, never really trying to understand the real cause. I never gave it a word and ever since my dad has asked me that question last night, I've been thinking.

No, I'm crystal clear about my feeling. What I've been thinking about is- since when? Since when it all started?

When I saw her in the animal shelter for the first time? Or when she came to my match that day? Or when I broke into her house and sensed fear down her body? When I first touched her? Kissed her? Fucked her? Or did it happen along the lines somewhere?

I don't know, and I don't really care. All I know is that it's there- this feeling. And it's true.

I love Hana.

The feeling is new and foreign to me. Though I love my family, my work, I never thought I'd feel this way for someone else, especially a woman and in this way. It's different yet it's comforting.

And no way in hell, I'm letting go of this. This feeling, this obsession can't go down, it'll only increase in intensity everytime I think of Hana and I want her with me.

She belongs with me and I'm going to steal her away if I have to.

With thoughts running in my mind, I step out of the warm place. Once outside the car, I close the door. My breathes come out as foggy steam from my nose and mouth. It is damn cold but I don't complain. There's more of an incompliance in the life- The absence of the woman I've fallen in love with.

I look towards the huge property in front of me. It's a vintage styled mansion with a huge front yard and a freezing lake in a corner. The trees around stand tall but lifeless. If it snows today, in few hours, the place will be white just like Hana told me.

I remember it all in my memory when she told me about this on her birthday night.

"I remember when dad's business wasn't this large and i was little, we'd go to my mother's parent's house every year for Christmas holidays. A big 80's style mansion in the woods. So, we'd stay there for more than two weeks. I loved being there in winters because the mansion has a large garden and a small lake in it. it looked exactly like the kids movies i'd watched. I used to kinda fantasize about myself being Ana singing Do you wanna build a snowman? to my father."

I can never forget anything about her. Every tiny detail she might've told me about her life, I know it. It's like my mind has memorized it. She encrypted in my brain, my blood and my soul. And I can't get her out of my system like they all want me to. It's not possible for me. Even if I try to, I will keep on coming back to her. It's  like sone drug. An addiction and I can't stay sober from her. I need her all the time.

I exhale, suddenly feeling anxious. I  don't know how I'll react upon seeing her or how she'll react.

I walk towards the large pavement that leads towards the main door to the mansion. The dried leaves crunch under my feet and with every step I take my chest feel uneasy. This has never happened with me.

Once I reach the door, I take a breathe before I knock on the door.

Just stay calm. You don't have to jump on her when you'll see her.

You're going to be civic and not blood hungry, fear loving predator.

For once, be norma-

The door click open and my chain of thoughts ter interrupted as I wait for her to appear in front of me.

However, when the door opens, I come across a petite and chubby woman- probably in her forties. She has rosy cheeks and has an apron on her body over warm winter clothes.

"Yes, mister?" she asks me with a smile. Her apple cheeks glowing.

"Uh, hi. Is Hana here?" I ask, trying my best to seem polite.

I am sure this is the address Seokjin gave me. And it looks like the mansion where Hana should be.

"You're here for her?" she asks, her eyebrows raised like she wasn't expecting anyone.

"Yes. Is she here?" I ask her yet again.

"Who are you, gentleman?" she interrogates.

"If she's here, please go tell her that I'm here. My name is Jungkook," I tell her.

She eyes me up and down. Suddenly the glowing version of hers disappearing as she tries to remember something.

"Is it the delivery, Patricia?" a voice comes from behind.

And I swear to every power out there in universe, I almost felt weak on my knees.

It's Hana. I know it too well. I can recognize her sweet voice over thousand layers of unknown voices of this world.

That's her voice, she's here.

Then in few seconds- before i could lose my sanity and barge into the mansion, she comes into my view. She walks out from a door on the left side of the place.

She has a blanket wrapped around her body, her hair tied up in a mess and a pen in her hand.

I look at her and the second her eyes lifts to look towards me, the pen in her hand falls. Her eyes widen, her reaction is sudden.

I stand there numb, looking at her. She's here. She's fine.

"Jungkook," she says my name in a breathy whisper like she didn't expect me to be here.

She shakes her head.

"Shut the door, Patricia," she says.

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