"is it insensitive of me to say to get your shit together so I can love you?"
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

No, this can't happen.
This shouldn't happen.

How did he find me?

I needed him away from here, from me. Especially from any place where I can see him.

He needs to leave.
This can't be happening.

All these hours of knitting goodbyes and chanting moving on mantras shouldn't go in vain like this. I've made up my mind, haven't I?

But here I am, frozen in my place as I look at him. He doesn't look the same. His eyes don't shine, they look tired, baggy, his hair are shorter and cut unevenly, there are slightly visible scratches on his face and his forehead  has a bandage wrapped around it. He has lost weight too, it's not much visible but I know it.

I can tell every tiny difference in his appearance because I have spent hours looking at him, admiring him. How can I not know his body like a book even though it might be covered with layers of clothing.

Despite my echoing breathing and rapid heartbeat, I stay calm.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

When Patricia tries to shut the door on my command, there's only a tiny grunt heard before the door was held with force from outside by the man I can't be yearning for.

“Hana,” my name falls out of his mouth and I resist the chilling sensation of sucking in a breath.

Last time I heard him say my name was when I was in that shabby building, balancing on the thin thread of life and death with him. It was when I had this feeling of butterflies for him, the same ones I've killed intentionally since I left the hospital.

No, that is right.
That's how it should be.

He needs to leave.

Instead, he forces the door open despite Patricia's loud voice of telling him to stay out or she'll call police because I am there, standing frozen. She must've sensed that this is not what should be happening. His presence isn't very welcome. And I need to do something about it.

"We need to talk, Hana," Jungkook speaks despite the protests of tinier woman blocking his way.

"Patricia, I can handle this," I say and she looks back at me. I hold her gaze and she sighs. With a last look at the man by the door, she walks away and crosses by me to get into her room, not shutting the door in case I'd need her.

Once she's gone, it's just me and him and a small hallway separating us which looks bigger than distance to space at this moment. The air thickens despite the cold that's seeping in through the open door.

"How are you, Hana?" he asks, treading very carefully, still outside the threshold to the mansion.

I gulp, gathering all my courage to speak out a sentence.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm here for you. You can't just leave like this," he says, his hair waving in cold air but he stands his place, not showing any discomfort.

He must be cold.

It shouldn't matter to me.

"You can't be here. You should leave," I say, coldly.

His eyes pinch as he steps in a little and shuts the door behind him. Without the cold air seeping in, I stop shaking in my place.

Wait, was I shaking?

Did he notice it?

I don't think about it as I focus on him crossing the boundary he isn't allowed in. I wish it wasn't like this. If it were other circumstances, it wouldn't have been like this. Cold. Foreign. Distant.

I'd have been excited to see him here, to see him fine and breathing. Few days back, I thought that I had lost him when I saw that warehouse blaze in the fire. I screamed for him to come back to me and  now that he's here, it's different.

I feel numb.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Though my mind contradicts between the possibilities of what I'm doing wrong is about pushing him away or yearning for him to touch me.

I recall the face of my father in that hospital room, all scared and with tears in his eyes. He's right.

"I'm not leaving, my peach. Not until I've had my conversation with you," he says.

Don't call me that.

"There's no conversation to do. You need to go," I say, taking a step back forcing myself to feel something. Cold wood under my bare feet.

"You don't get it, do you? I don't give a damn about what your father thinks. I can't let you go, baby," he says, his voice soft and convincing.

Stop calling me that!

"But they are right."

"Are they? Is it really right when everything about this feels wrong?" he asks.

"It's you who don't get it. I can't be part of this, Jungkook. All my  life I've been wanting to end it all and now I finally have hope to live, to do something for myself. I don't want to lose it," I almost cry out, my throat constricting.

"Hana, baby-"

"Stop calling me that!"

My heartbeat increases and my ears ring for a moment. All the time that I've spent here, I've tried my best to keep my cool. My mind does not speak to me negatively but it's a very sensitive situation and I don't want that voice to be back.

I dread it. I'd rather die than feeling like a failure again.

Dad is right. He hadn't given me any lecture but he did give me time to think through. There is no good future of us. Either he stays with me or the gang, there's no in between, isn't it? And I would rather see myself drowned in blood than see Jungkook go through a shitty life and see the patience and hardwork of his ancestors go in vain.

I can't do this.

So it's better if this wall between us stays. This long cold hallway of thick air needs to fill the vaccum so deeply that it feels like fucking dying to cut through this.

"OK, listen to me-" Jungkook speaks but I cut him off.

"There's nothing to talk about, Jungkook. You need to leave. I'll be leaving soon, so it doesn't make any difference," I tell him if he didn't already know.

Jungkook stops for a beat then steps forward as I step a little backward towards the dining table in the large open hall.

I see his eyes hardening, nostrils flare for a moment. It's good, his patience needs to run out. He needs to feel that this isn't worth it.

I am not worth it.

" There it is again. Do you think running away will help? Do you think there's any place on earth where I won't find you? I'll bring you back from depths of hell if I have to and you know it all too well. You think I can let you go just like that?" he says, his voice stern laden with precise words of nothing but seriousness.

I look at him, feeling nausea building up my stomach. I need to keep up my cool.

"It's always about you, isn't it? It's about what you want, what you need, who you like the most to warm you bed and who deserves to only be with you because you are the one who gets to decide it?What about me? Can't you see it? I'm struggling. Every minute that I breathe, it's fucking hard for me. I've finally found a little peace of mind and I can't lose it, " I almost yell at him, his eyes look at me like he's taken away.

Hurt him.

I gulp before continuing," It's dangerous and you know it. It was a mistake, I should've never let my body float towards you. Fuck, I had all the chances! I could've told my Dad, I could've ran away when I saw the slightest of the side effects of being with someone like you who's carrying a title like 'leader'. I should've pushed you out, fucking did something when I almost killed myself in front of you that one night and you.. "

I breathe in, my body trembling but I keep looking into his eyes. My own eyes tear up and I don't soak them up. I let my throat feel heavy and constricted, making it hard to speak. I let the tears fall, wetting my cheeks.

" You promised me. You said you'd never let anything happen to me. But it happened and you can call me selfish all you want, I don't give a damn! I might be a little selfish about my life because I was a fucking weakling few years back with a blade on my wrist, trying to end it all. I could go to war for you, Jungkook, but I can't live with a constant fear of losing myself and... And you," I finish.

My trembling hasn't stopped and I can feel my head going foggy. I need to stop putting too much pressure on myself and that'll only happen when I'm alone. I was fine, numb but fine before this.

I've had it all planned. I was about to leave in two days but this has to happen. Why is this so damn hard?

I look away from his eyes, hating to see hurt and disbelief in his eyes. I might've said some things that I shouldn't have but it's for better.

If he cares a little, he'll leave. He should.

"Is that it, Hana?" he asks me, his voice softer.

I've never really crashed out in front of him.

I gulp and nod but before I could tell him to leave, he speaks again.

"Tell me how to apologize to you, Hana, how can I make this better for you?" he asks.

"You can't," I say, my voice hoarse because of all the yelling.

"I don't need your apology. It doesn't have to be  like this. I'm grateful to you for saving me but there's no denial in the fact that all that can happen again and it might be even worse. I think it's for better if we just leave each-"

"I'll leave the gang," he cuts me.

I look up at him. My eyes wide and I had to lean back against the table to keep myself safe from not collapsing here.

"What?" I ask, a low breathy whisper.

"Yes," he answers and step a little closer to me, his hands in front of him as he tries to touch me from distance with his heart on his sleeve.

"You are right, Hana. It is my fault I should've protected you better, I should've taken better measures. I know it must feel really hard to see your life in danger and though people  like me do that on daily basis, it is hard for you. It is my incompetence that today you're here, away from the people. And that you'd have to leave the country for your own sake. I'm at fault and I want to make it righ-"

" Stop, "I say, putting my hand up.

" This isn't right, no, "I say.

I did it, didn't I?

" No, it is right. I can't lose you, Hana. I can't let you go. You're way more important to me. I'll leave the leadership of hundred such gangs if it means that I could be with you. I'll just drop it. I  just need you, bab-"

"Stop!"

"You can't do this," I say.

If he does this, they'll all be proved right.

Jae Sung's egoistic voice echoes in my brain.

"I need you to stop distracting Jungkook with all this. Tomorrow you might not be that important for him, but you're hindering his future with your tactics today"

"Do you have any idea how bad it is for the gang and his own future? You must know, don't you? A living example in your own house. You very well know about his ambitions and how he dreams about all that. His pride lies in that- being successful beyond his imagination and a life filled with filthy money, anything he desires. And who would make that come true?"

Michael and Owen's sinister laughters and mocking banters follow.

"You've already made Jungkook very incompetent. He's reckless, repulsive and impulsive. He's everything that a leader shouldn't be. Unlike your father, he lacks focus. And it's all thanks to you. You've nicely paved the way for his destruction, Kim Hana,"

They would all be right.

I'll be what they've all told me I am, even though deep inside I knew I wasn't. All along, they'd all be fucking right.

I stare down at the wooden flooring, my eyes not losing focus, I stand straight but my mind is places away.

Jungkook takes a step towards me, seeing me suddenly numb and silent.

"Hana," he calls for me and when an answer doesn't come, he speaks again.

"If the gang is what's keeping you away from me, I'm going to give it up. I'll just inherit the business and I'll make it work. As long as you're with me, I'll make it all work."

I look into his eyes with my bloodshot ones.

"I ruined it," I tell him.

"What?" his eyes narrow as he stands just a few feet away from me.

He has only taken four steps towards me but the weight of them didn't really clear any distance much. He still looks so far away.

"They told me I'll ruin you. They were right. Jae Sung was right, so were Michael and Owen," I whisper.

"What are you talking about? You can never ruin me.."

His voice becomes a mixture of tone and nothing but silence. I keep looking at him, my mind dissociating.

I've again become a failure. Not for myself but for someone else. I can't let this happen. I can't be the reason he loses his ambitions, his dreams.

"You can't leave the gang. That's your future. I can't be your distraction, I can't misguide your dreams. You're meant for that. All those years, you've been training for that. You're so close to everything that you've been dreaming of and I can't be the reason you give it all up," I say, I don't know if my voice is much audible.

"Future? There's no goddamn future of mine without you in it. And the years? Power? Status? None of those mean shit compared to you. Don't you get it? I'd throw it all away in a heartbeat if it means keeping you safe... If it means keeping you mine," he tells me and I cry.

I keep my hand on the table behind me and my hand touches the knife. I hold it to keep me on balance.

If I really wanted him away and didn't care about this, why does it feel like hell to see him hurt because of me.

He's here with all he's got and I'm here, standing my place to push him away. My safety doesn't even feel like a real concern now that he's talking about leaving the only thing that has made him who he is.

And the only think that's running in my mind is how I've completely ruined him, his future. I've proven them all right.

Michael was right.
Owen was right.

Even though they're dead somewhere in hell, their souls must be really satisfied to see this happening. And it kills me.

It was better if they had killed me there.

" I'm not worth it, "I look into his eyes, tears streaming cheeks.

"Hana, don't ever think that. Nothing. Nothing- not my future and not your dark past, not even us has the right to take this- what we have, away," he tells me.

My mind gets foggy again. It's getting too much. He needs to leave. I don't know if I'll snap but he needs to leave right now.

" Leave Jungkook, please" I urge him, my voice a little moan-y with the pain increasing in my head.

"You can't always run away, Hana. You need to do this for yourself. Think about us-"

"I said leave!" I yell at him, my own ears ringing.

The knife on my hand becomes hot as I pull it from the table and bring it in front of me.

"Hana don't-"

"Leave or I might end up do something to you," I say, pointing the knife at him.

What am I doing?

Fuck, it's happening again.

"Do it. Might as well kill me while you're at it. You think you can be in peace after this? You think you'll feel like you did the right thing? You are not that Hana from months back. You're stronger and braver than this. And if you think this will scare me away, you're fucking wrong, Hana, " he shouts every word at me.

The knife shakes in my hold. I sob but keep my eyes at him.

" Hana, sweetheart, you need to keep it down,"I hear Patricia's voice from behind me.

My brain is buzzing again and I don't know what I might end up doing.

"Hana,listen to me"

Stop.

"I know it's hard for the time but we'll figure it out. I  just need you"

Stop, please.

"The gang means nothing to me. I was driven by it a few months back but now it all seems bland because you're not in future with me"

Stop!

"Hana, are you listening? Can you understand what I'm trying to say?"

I look up at him, the knife still tight in my hold.

"You can try and run away but you'll realise that this is where you belong. It's with me because Hana, I.."

My heart stops for a moment. His gulps.

"Because Hana, I lov-"

"STOP!" I scream.

The knife in my hand flies forwards towards where he is standing.

"Hana!" Patricia screams behind me, probably running towards me but it's already too late.

Did I aim at him?

My eyes widen, panic setting in. What have I done?

All I hear is a loud thud before it goes silent.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

~Aster 🌸