Every night i spent in fatigue, lying in bed, restless and immune to my own senses, i reminded myself exactly why i wasnt curled up tightly in romantic slumber.

The worst bit was, i knew from start to finish, every little reason he left.

Even worse, that was all my fault.

I spent these nights asking myself repeatedly why i didnt listen to him, or atleast let him stay anyway. I could still picture his cold, pale face, tears running down in long, salty streaks down cheeks of a rose red.

The truth is, i miss him like he's dead. I miss his thin, mellow lips pressing softly against my own, those deep navy eyes like the pacific ocean, chestnut gold hair which was always smooth and shiny. He was everything i ever wanted, and really, needed.

Jason was more than just a boyfriend, and later a husband, to me. He was a therapist, a lifesaver, a mental punching bag when i was mad, a soothing voice when i was scared or upset. A voice i havent heard in many months.

Tears still pool in my eyes when i realise that this is all because of me.

Tonight i could have my husband wrapped up tightly in my arms, his face against my sweated neck, his barely audible breath only softly humming in sync with mine, but no. I didnt appreciaye what i had when i had it, and the truth is, i love him so much more now he's gone.

I know that somewhere, in this very city, in a bed like mine, with my very mark on him, he is lying down too, maybe asleep, maybe not. If he was awake at this hour, i'd softly remind him that he needed rest, and i'd stroke his head and embrace my lips against his back neck as he drifted off.

I dont know exactly what to do with myself anymore. No hand to hold. No lips to kiss. No body to admire every day. Not even a friendly fucking face. I didnt want anyone else, though. Jason is my only love, no matter how he feels now about me.

His number rests untouched on my wall, on a piece of paper attacked with old, hair - collecting blue tack. My eyes trace the numbers delicately. Deliberating whether I should ever need to dial that very number again. I sit up.

The numbers are swirling in my mind, controlling me. I know he'll be at the end of the line, or maybe he won't. Maybe we won't pick up, or he'll be asleep. I wanted ever so desperately to try my luck, and so I clutched what used to be our telephone, and shakily dialled the numbers on the sheet.

The phone rang for a while, vibrating in my hands. I felt sweat start to bead all over me, and my heart thudded like a marching band in my chest.

Finally, a crackle silenced the audible vibrations, and after a second of silence, a recognisable, tired tone grumbled a ' Hello? Who's This? "

A lump in my throat formed. He had already forgotten my number. I swallowed with fear and courage combined and spoke softly into the small holes that contacted my voice.

" Jason.. " I whispered gently, wanting to hold him ever so bad. " Do You Remember Who I Am? " and I made my tone a little more recognisable. Jason fell absolutely dead silent, and I felt him get up and the phone rustle softly with him.

We both breathed audibly. " James. " he said, almost sternly, in a tone I knew well. " Why The Fuck Are You Calling Me At 12:30..? "

I sighed. " I Wanted To See How You Were Doing - " i frowned. " Thats All. " The words didnt seen to smoothen Jason but they didnt seem to annoy him. I felt him sigh sadly away from the phone, and i could picture him sitting back down hesitantly.

Jason, after an awkward pause, said; " Why? You Said You Wanted Me Out Of Your Life, And You Never Wanted To Speak To Me Again. "

I felt my clear blue eyes well up in guilty tears, and my voice grow shaky. " And They Were The Stupidest Things I've Ever Said..I..I..I Never Meant To Hurt You Like This. "

Newsted groaned obliviously. " 'Course You Didn't. " he said sarcastically. I really didnt know why i was trying any harder, but i didnt want to make this any worse by putting down the phone. " Jason. " i continued softly.

" Fucking Hell. " i heard him whisper, his voice fairly far from the phone. " Jason What? " he then said, louder. " I.. " i stammered croakily, considering my wording. " I..I've Really Missed You. "

My ex almost laughed at the statement, and i could tell i was losing this battle. I felt a tear softly run down my cheek, and on to the side of the plastic cover of the phone. " Is This A Joke? Because Im Putting The Phone Down If You're Just Gonna Be A Prick, Ironically. "

Thats when i sniffed down more tears, and bit my lip, along with a low, but emotional sob. I felt him gulp and blink several times.

" Are You Drunk, James? Why Are You Crying? "

That tone, that very question ' why are you crying ' always sent shivers down my back, and straightened my body. I had heard it too many times in my life, and almost every time from Jason Newsted.

" No, Jason, Im Not. I Promise. Please, Stay On The Phone. Let Me Speak. I Want To Talk To You. "

Jason scoffed. " If Its About My Fucking Musical Skills, You Can Piss Off. "

I almost felt offended, and scowled down the phonewire; " Whats Happened To You, Newsted? You Used To Be So Fucking Lovely. " and i felt him swallow his tears back in, strongly, stronger than usual.

" Well Guess What, Mr. Good Guy, My Husband Left Me, Dumped Me Out Of The House I Bought And Treated Me Like Shit. D'ya Think I'd Be Very Cheerful After That..? "

Silence, deadly silence, entered once again, and i considered my next move.

" ...You're Not The Only One Hurting, Love. Im Hurting Too. You've Heard Me. I Never Wanted This. I Miss You With All My Heart. "

Jason seemed to soften to my kindness, and i felt him relax vocally.

" What Are You Trying To Say, James?... " he frowned knowingly, and I gulped, wishing for the best.

" Jason, " I started shakily. " I Still Love You. I Need You. You Have No Idea How Lonely I Am Here And How Desperate I Am To Hold You Again. The Truth Is, I Love You So Much More Now You're Not With Me. They Say You Don't Know What You've Got 'Till It's Gone, And They're Not Wrong. Please, Jason, Don't Feel Pressured To Start This Again, But I Just- " I felt myself start to sob uncontrollably. " I Just W - Want You To K - Know..Th - That..I..I'll Always Love You, N - No Matter What. "

He hung up, and I was instantly in absolutely floods of painful, sickening tears. I tried so ducking hard, spoke so truthfully, and he didn't even bother. I knew I had ruined his life, and I didn't even blame him anymore.

That's when I heard my bedroom door open, and a figure walked in and stopped at the entrance. I stared, wide eyed and surprised, at his presence.

" Ja - Ja..Ja.. " I stammered, and the boy smiled for a second before looking at me more passionately. " I've Missed You Too, James. " he said in such an audible tone, it made my eyes well up in gratefulness.

" I..I Need You Too. I Still Want To Be With You, Het. "

I felt a smile form across what seemed to be permanently saddened lips. Jason approached me tenderly and held my hands at each side, a feeling that made my heart wrench in unconditional love and respect.

With great carefulness, I placed a shaky hand on his blushy cheek, and leaned a little closer to his face. I could still smell that conditioner, and the familiar fruity breath he always had. It made my lungs squeeze together shockingly.

Before either of us knew it, we were kissing like nothing had happened, and my hands were striking once again through his thick curls of chestnut hair. Those deep blue eyes looked once again gently into mine.

" Lets Try Again, Then. Let's Love Eachother Even More. With All Our Hearts. Please. "

I nodded gleefully and he smiled, wrinkled at his mouth but ever so purely. My insides went fuzzy as we settled down on the same bed we always shared and we wrapped around Eachother like usual. " Forget Everything Thats Happened. The Future Is What Matters For Us. " he said, before kissing the tip of my nose and nesting his head in its usual place, under my chin, again.

I've never felt so happy in my life, and since then I've never had another heated argument with Jason. We truly did start over, and truly did learn to love again.

The grammar on this is bullshit 'cus i wrote it at 3AM while deep in the f e e l s about Jameson and there. Thats my emotional shit. Expect more chapters from metalkids very soon!